finding new light and darkness

“I stopped looking for the light and decided to become the light instead.”

This quote is so true to what I feel is going on inside this past month.

Even as I sit here and write this blog, it feels different – there is a newness of this writing and the process of being open with where I am.

Like I shared with my therapist in session last week, “this past month has been the most healing in all the years of being in therapy.” I look forward to what this new light will bring to me as I continue to take steps; allowing myself to be the light, rather than finding the light to lead the way.

One of my biggest struggles in the 10 years I have been in therapy is being open and truthful when I am really going through a hard time, or really struggling with something! Well, doesn’t that sound contradicting seeing that therapy is “made” for helping when you are struggling and going through hard times?

Well, for me, as far back as I can remember, I have only allowed myself to be open about whatever struggles I am going through if I have come up with how to fix it or make it better, and then I ask for support and help as I move through it.

I have always had this fear that if I allow myself to be seen struggling, that I will be rejected or I will be punished or pay consequences for talking about how I feel.

I am a FIGHTER, and I like to show that side of me – not the side that struggles or needs help.

When my therapist and I work together in therapy, we work TOGETHER! I rarely allow myself to say “I need help, and I don’t have it figured out.”

This past month I came to this realization that there is more light in allowing myself to be who I am “in the moment” and allowing others to see me in that light.

I made a decision this past month that allows me to be authentic to the moment instead of always raising a wall to the hard and only allowing the wall to come down once its OK enough to be seen.

The same goes for my writing, a lot of times I wouldn’t write a blog unless there was a resolve or an understanding of something. I would write a blog about positive things that I have overcome rather than letting people know “HEY, I have struggled and I don’t have it all figured out and hey that’s OK.”

What I have come to realize is that, healing happens even in the moments that are not fixed, or don’t feel better. Healing can happen in the hardest of all struggles, and its OK to ask for support in that. I don’t have just to be supported when I have figured it all out – that I am loved, cared for “SEEN” in the darkness.

The past couple of weeks in therapy have been the most healing, the most supporting, the most open, and the most vulnerable I have ever experienced because I have allowed myself to be in both light and dark.

I am finally seeing myself taking steps back into the things that once used to be a huge part of my life. Like the church, writing more, being around my once close friends, and not because I have found the light, but because I have allowed myself to see the dark, and heal in the dark.

I am open to what is next. I am hoping that I am going to write more by allowing others to see not just the good healing steps in my life or the good healing steps in therapy, but being open to the struggles it took to take those steps. Even in the moments of saying “this is where I am, and I don’t have it figured out, and that is OK because I am supported.”

This is such a HUGE step for me because I never allowed myself to be fully seen or supported without me putting up a partition wall to the struggles until It was ok for others to see. This is such a new space for me and I look forward to seeing how it brings me to the places I long to be.

I look forward to writing and connecting with others more in this space and seeing what it does for me and how it heals and meds and where it leads me.

I look forward to writing the blogs that say “I am having a hard day, and ITS OK” or showing up in my life no matter where it is open to the dark, and not just the light knowing healing can happen in both.

So I hope you will all walk with me in both the light and dark and both Good and Hard as I continue to take steps on this amazingly un-perfect journey.

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Tuesday at Ten { CHANGE}

6a00d8341c500653ef0133f11999f6970bWelcome to Tuesday at Ten! The Tuesday blog Link up where you have 6 full days to use the “prompt phrase” as a part of your writing.

Each week I post a prompt phrase and you finish the phrase and write how that phrase fits you and your life or your thoughts.

Whether it be just writing a story behind the phrase or being as creative as you wish using photos, poems, art, or graphics – whichever creative way you choose.

You have 6 days to write and link up your blog at the bottom of the page so that others can link up with you.

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

Be sure to visit your “link up” neighbor and spread the joy of connection! A new Prompt word is posted every Tuesday Morning at 10am, the link up closes at 11pm the night before.

Every Monday evening (the day before the new word is posted) I will choose ONE highlighted writer of the week to be highlighted and shared on the Tuesday at Ten Facebook page for all to see. You will also get an award graphic for that week to post on your blog.

Make sure to visit the Tuesday at Ten Facebook page to view the winner and for daily news!

Remember  – it’s not about being perfect, it’s about being YOU. Have FUN

This weeks prompt phrase is:

{ CHANGE }

 

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my journey to healing

6c0464f38780ca646670f362a30d2924This month marks 8 years that I have walked this amazing path of healing in therapy with a wonderful wisdom filled therapist.

It hasn’t been an easy 8 years, but it has been a liberating life changing 8 years.

8 years ago, I drove my car up this long and winding mountain side road heading towards this place I would spend the next 8 years discovering all the parts of me I never knew before.

I remember this day like it was yesterday, but never did I think I would endure a journey quite like this.

This journey that I have been on for 8 years has been life changing for me on so many levels. It hasn’t always been easy, and my healing certainly took some really hard roads along the way, but that is where I believe I grew stronger.

One of the things that I have learned in therapy is that, healing is not just about healing the past, but more so it’s about walking along side of your past to meet you where you are today.

You can’t heal your past, you can’t fix it, nor can you change what happened – but you can welcome it to where you are today so that you can live forward.

A couple of years ago my healing hit a really hard wall, and for the past year or so I have really been going through a hard hard time with self isolation.

This past year has been one of the hardest years I have ever been through, but because of this amazing 8 years on this healing journey, I have faith and hope that I will take all that I worked through and apply it to help move me out of this hard place I have been in.

It’s because of the 8 years I have been working with my amazing therapist that I trust and know that I will move out of this hard place and not only will I move out of this hard place, but I will move out of it healing more wounds that I covered for so long. Sometimes it takes a really hard place to bring out the deepest of wounds.

I can’t say enough amazing words about my therapist of 8 years now. When I first walked into therapy, I was behind so many walls that I didn’t even know who I was. He carefully took my hand and slowly pulled me out from behind this wall and showed me what true safe connection was, and the possibility of life before me.

My therapist – he is this wisdom filled inspiring person who has really guided me through this very hard path in a safe, loving, trusting, and connecting way.

I admire him and look up to him for the wisdom he has helped me to find in my own self and healing. He is such a good person with a big heart and really listens beyond the ears of hearing.

I am blessed that God sent me this amazing person I have walked this path with, and continue to take healing steps out of this hard place and into the life I know is possible for me.

Therapy is a hard process, but a healing process if you just walk into it knowing that you are not going to change what has happened or fix it, but that you are going to find a way to accept what it is that has happened, but finding YOU in the middle of it to become the person God intended you to be.

Every day I am getting closer and closer to the other side of this hard place I have been in this past year, and I trust I will find my way out of this hard isolation I have been in – BECAUSE of the 8 years I have seen the healing happening within.

I wont’ lie, there are days I struggle hard with not knowing if I will ever move out of this hard place that I have been in this past year, but looking back at all the hard roads I have conquered and overcome – I know I will move out of it. I trust I will move out of it.

It’s true what they say, healing is not an overnight process, it’s not a destination, there is no time frame for healing – it’s a change within that happens along side of the healing.

Healing is not just made up of  a therapy room with me and my therapist.. healing is about everyone coming together. It’s therapy, me, my therapist, God, connection, my family, my friends, and those who surround me with love, support and connection. Healing is made up of all those things.

Patience and trust are the 2 things I carry with me every day in this process… not always easy, but needed in order to move forward.

I am blessed for these past 8 years and for my therapist who has walked this journey with me..  and I will continue to look forward as I heal, without a time frame or expectation in mind, but rather knowing I am becoming the person I was intended to be – who God intended me to be.

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a little bit of change

f0c1bd9e6f2b4225e7615f056c97eacbI am in the process of doing a little change to my blog! No I am not changing the look except I am going to switch around some of the photos in the ticker above. I am going to change a little of the way I write.

For the past 5 years that I have been writing this blog, I have focused most of my energy on my therapy and healing and writing mostly about my process of healing and my therapy sessions.

Although I love to write about my process of healing, I also feel I am missing out on writing a lot of my everyday thoughts, feelings and processes.

I am a thinker! I love to think, I love to write about my thoughts, and I love to share moments that mean a lot of me other than just healing.

I am going to write about my health, my new routines in my physical health and working out. I am going to share more about my family and how they are incorporated into my healing. I am going to write about book reviews or quotes that I love and see during that day that touch me not only in my healing process, but outside my life.

I think pinpointing my writing to one subject for 5 years leaves me hanging in all my other thoughts I would love to write about.

YES I will still write about my process of healing in therapy because therapy is a huge part of my life, I still work hard 3-4 days a week in therapy while I am going through a very rough time in the physical health and emotional health, but I also want to invite others things in my writing.

I hope you all will love the changes. I plan to add more resources on my blog for others things as well. I am excited about this, because I feel sometimes I hit the cap of what I write about and I am left with all these other thoughts inside that I am itching to write about. This gives me an open canvas and that excites me!

I think my therapist Andy really inspired me open myself up more to let myself be seen all around and not just the things I struggle with. I am a hard worker, but I also have a lighter side to me as well and I would love to share that – just as I am sharing that in therapy now.

I am a lover of quotes and I would love to share more quotes photos I love and to share what my thoughts are on those quotes.

Of course having an open canvas may open me up to write more, so I may be writing everyday and that also makes me excited as I miss writing very much.

SO be on the lookout for some changes and I hope you enjoy all of me and my writing.

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the change within

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I have spent the past year, the past couple of months, the past couple of weeks being so angry, hurt and frustrated around something that that I let have power over me; but deep inside came to realize had no power over me – I just didn’t see it.

Today in session my therapist made me realize something and it changed me.

The power of his words changed me so much that I took a deep breath in of empowerment, held it for a few moments and then I let the breath out and it felt good!

It changed me so much that I realized I am the change, and I can’t change something that won’t, and I certainly can’t sit around trying to find answers to something that just. doesn’t. make. sense.

I dont know why this past year happened, I dont have the answers, I dont have the reason, I dont have the understanding, but what I do have is the power to heal and move forward. I have the power to change ME inside and move away from the hardness this year brought to me.

My therapist has cleared a safe path for me, and all I need to do is accept it. On that path is love, support, connection, and all the people who walk along side of me; the same people who walked along side of even with the cracks in the path.

I finally feel that this long year battle has come to an end, and it’s not because I found understanding, or a reason, or any answers, it’s because I choose to turn around and just accepted that I can’t change something or someone; but I can change me.

I have the choice to turn and walk away. I took a stand and stood up for myself and it stopped, and my therapist made me realize THAT is empowerment. My husband made me realze THAT is empowerment. My friends helped me to see THAT is empowerment – not the answers.

I don’t have to look for the understanding or the reasons why anymore. I don’t have to have the ansews, all I need to faith in myself, my truth, and knowing the clear path in front of me.

I have the ability to finally be free to writing in my blog the way I used to.

I love showing up to therapy knowing the path my therapist laid in front of me is safe and filled with connection and support.

I am surrounded by people who believe in me, have faith in me, and see the hardness this year has been for me and held out there arms for a hug and a hand for support.

I like knowing that even though I may never have the answers to why this happened; that maybe I made some kind of difference in fighting for myself vs the past when I sat in silence to my pain.

I look forward to bringing this blog in a new direction that is healing for ME and not around something I dont understand.

And  – I love sitting here knowing that today my therapist made a difference in something so huge, and made me see something I didn’t see past this hardness, and there is freedom in that – FINALLY.

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