feelings of anger

love-quotes-026I had big anger in session yesterday!

I didn’t plan it, I didn’t really see it coming, but then again anger has been at the surface for a while now; it was just a matter of time before it found it’s way out to be heard, seen and felt.

When I think of anger I think about holding onto a rope with a beast of some kind at the other end pulling and dragging me and not being able to get control of the rope.

Anger is something I struggle with. I avoid it, swallow it, and find every way possible to move away from it. Anger is a hard emotion for me to feel, accept or even talk about.

I am angry, and I have a right to be.

I woke up yesterday morning and thought about this past year and how hard it was for me, and the moment I allowed myself to go to that place of anger thinking about the past year, my ears got hot, my insides were flushed, and I began to talk words inside my head – and well, lets just say it wasn’t very nice or christian like.

I have spoken often about what I have been through in the past year. Yes I have found ways of letting go, I have found ways of moving away from it, and towards myself and this wonderful path I have in front of me – but I have never allowed myself to really feel and be with anger about it.

A part of me feels that if I feel or talk about the anger it means I am not letting it go; that I am allowing myself to be stuck – but somehow yesterday I felt maybe that wasn’t the case, maybe feeling the anger and talking about it gives me more movement going forward. Maybe allowing myself to write about anger in my blog helps to give an outlet to the anger. Maybe speaking about the anger gives me more empowerment and not dis-empowerment.

I am angry! I am angry because I have gone through a hard year that was totally unfair and inexplicable unnecessary.

I am angry because in this past year of hardness it caused me to go so far off my path that it was incredibly hard to find that path back.

I am angry because simply “this did not need to happen”. I was a woman going about my healing, working hard, minding my own business and someone came and ripped that from under-neath me – no reason  – not even a good excuse.

I am angry that just because I am who I am, and have what I have, I was punished by triggers and feelings of fear by someone else’s insecurities put on me – which baffles me because, I dont know who in the hell would want my life. Live a day of my life in 2 O’Clock and I guarantee you will be scratching your way out begging for yourself and your own life back.

I am angry that I am still working through the many things that this caused to surface from my past through the triggers and fears.

I am angry that a year of my healing was derailed and had to crawl, kick, cry and suffer to find my way back up.

What I have come to recently accept is  – just because the situaiton has stopped, doesn’t mean I can’t or don’t have big feelings about it.

Years ago I would have swallowed it and let it go, but today I am (very very slowly) learning, these are my feelings, and I have the right to feel them with no guilt or shame.

My support reminds me everyday “You have a right to feel the way you feel“, and somewhere inside I know that – but I struggle a little with it because I have always been the person of reason. I have always been the type of person that doesn’t allow myself to stay in that place for the sake of feeling the anger or emotions around it.

As a child, I learned whatever emotion I was feeling, “you get RID of it and get rid of it NOW!! Stand straight, sit up and suck it up! smile and move on.

Yesterday in session I showed anger, and felt anger.

My therapist wasn’t afraid of my anger, he wasn’t scared or judged me, in fact he helped me get to some of that deep anger yesterday. He walked along side of me in the anger, even held the pillow as I wrestled with the anger and allowed me to be with no judgement. He gave me safety in my anger; reminding me that what I feel is right and true.

But what I also know is this:

I know that I will never have the answers to why this past year happened or why I went through what I went through.

I dont have the meaning or reason behind the crazy making behind it. There is no making sense of something that doesn’t make sense.

What I do know is what I can do about it, and I am doing just that.

I am moving on towards me and the path my support has laid out in front of me with open arms.

I have a soft place to land that is safe and surrounded by connection and support.

What I do know is, I am on the other side of this; working towards me and only me by not trying to find answers in something that will never have a justifiable answer.

I know that somewhere God has put a message in this hard year that needs gentle attention, healing, and knowing.

I am relieved that this situation has come to an end and that I can breathe a little better knowing I can finally move forward from this.

I know there is continued work around what has been surfaced because of this, but I also know I have support in that.

A year ago at this time I was the in the middle of what was going to be a hard long year, and today I have the choice to move out of it, and I have, and I did.

The empowerment in this is – what I know is a lot more vs. what I dont know.

one of my favorite quotes is this :

“Time Heals what Reason Cannot”
– Roman Philosopher Seneca

There is so much truth in that statement, and a part of that time is allowing myself the anger and sadness that this past year brought me.

You know, maybe some people can wash their hands of it and move on for the sake of moving on – but I choose to move on and allow myself to feel as I should, because feeling is a part of that movement forward.

I spent a lifetime “moving on for the sake of moving on” not being able to own one bit of my emotions, and that led me to endless pain and suffering – and even isolation as a child .. I won’t do that to myself today.

So it doesn’t mean I haven’t moved on, it simply means I am moving forward – towards me  – something worth way more than what the year has brought onto me.

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I am choosing {what I know}

I felt strong in session today as I stood and sat with my therapist honoring my anger. I was reminded today that my anger is right, and belongs to where it belongs, and not with me.

Part of working in therapy has been about building that strong foundation to stand on. A foundation where I can have all those emotions and still be strong enough to stand.

I have been going through a particular hard time with a certain situation and I realized today that, when dirt is thrown at you, and you feel that you are about to throw dirt back in your anger – you will lose your own ground.

I realized today that the dirt being thrown at me, only serves my foundation to be stronger. I am sitting here building my foundation – the more dirt that is thrown and I am challenged, mine gets stronger.

In my anger, of course you want to pick up the dirt and throw it right back, but I am taking from my foundation; that foundation that serves a purpose in my healing.

I am not about to take from my ground.. my ground is solid and strong, not weak and crumbled.

This is a hard thing I am going through right now. When you feel like you have been wronged, it’s hard to not take that dirt and throw it right back.. but the empowerment is knowing what to do that with that dirt being thrown at you, not throwing it back.

I was in the tension between picking up that dirt, getting ready to throw it back with hopes there were rocks in there as well – but that is not me. I am the type of person that will look at the dirt thrown at me, observe it, see all sides to it, and then I put it down and move through it.

What I realized today? I am only making my foundation stronger by keeping that which is thrown at me, and applying it to my strength! The other person is losing their ground – I on the other hand am becoming empowered.

Today while I stood there with my therapist, I realized to choose what I know, I choose what I know over anger thrown back.

What I know today is that, I have the most amazing support in my life. support that helps me move through these hard moment. What I know is that I have a strong foundation that holds me and all my emotions. What I know is that I am a good writer, and my writing heals, and helps not only me, but others. What I know is, I am stronger than this, I have a powerful foundation.

What I know is, all the reasons stated in my blog yesterday {inside the 4 walls of therapy}.

What I know is what I trust. God will never abandon me. What is know is that I am loved, supported and cared for by my therapist, my friends, my family, god, the people of my church.

What I know is, I will not throw dirt back, I will take it, I will throw it down to the ground, I will push it into my already firm foundation and use it as more leverage in my healing!

It will take some work, but I can move through this – and what I have also learned is that, when I am hurt by someone, I come back 10 times stronger, even when it hurts.

“When you throw dirt, you lose ground” –  I will wash my hands of those not worthy of getting my hands dirty for ♥

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ANGER .. with no escape

Anger circled back around again Saturday later afternoon, just as the sad emotions did earlier that morning.

I think when we honor our emotions in some way or form; along comes out other things that were right behind it.

Anger is the emotion that I have the hardest time honoring. I have felt and honored fear, sadness, doubt, confusion, hope, joy, happiness, excitment, and wonder – but anger is the one emotion I have a hard time getting close to, or touching.

When I am angry, that is the one emotion that I swallow the most. I block it out. I do whatever I can to not look at it, or be with it.

People have told me that I am the most calm person they have ever met! I am quiet, I don’t make a loud entrance. I am very reserved, calm and soft spoken, I move quietly and I am gentle – if only people knew what I hold inside.

Anger is one of the biggest emotions that we have worked on over and over for years in therapy! We have touched it, and then backed away from it leaving it alone for a little while. We have gone back into it, and then gave me a break. We have reopened it, worked with it again, and then backed away from it  – it’s that hard to be with.

We have worked with my anger many times. We have throw pillows, I have practiced pushing on and against my therapist hands while standing to get my anger out. He has had me punch pillows while him holding them; trying to find the words to match the action – to no avail.

We have tried having me write things down on paper and ripping them up with big anger words! I have stomped and kicked, and wrestled and thrown more pillows – still to no avail.

No matter how many times I have worked with anger, I still have a hard time fully letting it go and letting it out. When I get to certain point, I shut it down to the old messages, and I swallow it. I put it away, and yet it’s there, in a very big way! Just like the crying but bigger!

I have tried going to the gym and working it out by lifting heavy weights, or running miles and miles to get it out. I have taken kickboxing classes – still to no avail.

If I work with anger, no words come out. If I put the words out there, no anger comes out. It’s built in that I cannot be with this emotion! it’s toxic, because deep inside, I know I am angry!

I have been told over and over “you are filled with big anger and rightfully so!”

I AM angry, I am very angry! I am angry that the people of my past who hurt me, are living life, and I am here healing from the damage they created in me. I am angry that I have 42 scars on my body, which all of them I have to heal!

I am angry that not ONE person in my family has ever tried to come forward and help me heal through this. I am angry that I missed out on so much of my life because of what they did to me. I am so angry that my mom is still in bed, still sick, still thinking of herself.

I am angry that the man who raped me, it out of prison on good behavior! I am angry that I go to therapy 4 days a week working on my healing, working my ASS off with very hard emotions – while everyone who hurt me is totally oblivious to the HELL they have put on me!

I am angry that I cannot make love to my husband the way I would like to, because THEY took that away from me. I am angry that I never got to cry at my Nana’s funeral because I didn’t know HOW. I am angry that not ONE person that knew me as a child, had NO idea that I was being abused, beaten and neglected; that no one cared to check in with me (the quiet little girl who never went outside to play).

I’m angry that now that I lifted the Vail of their lies, I see everything and it hurts like hell to know I was HAD by my whole family; my flesh and blood.

I am so angry that no matter how much I type about why I am angry, I still am holding the anger inside! I am angry that I am still angry, and that I have to hold it.

I think for once in my blog writing, I don’t have a resolve for this. I think for the first time I can say, this is one thing I don’t know how to do. This is one thing I have yet to open up. Anger is the one thing that still resides deep in my soul.

We talked about it a couple of days ago in session. We know it’s there, we know we have to circle back around and honor it, but it scares me.

Anger shows up in small bits and pieces. I notice it in small bouts, but then I go back to “calm, gentle and reserved”.

The day my father smashed my head into the counter 3 times, was the day I labeled anger as “NEVER GO THERE” – EVER!

This is another part of my healing that I need to open up and close with truth. Sometimes I feel I am close to honoring it, but then I put it back away, deep inside, until it surfaces again.

I think being with my emotions and bringing those out last Tuesday, is what brought all these other emotions to the surface. It brought anger and everything else that was deep inside – and it’s just a matter of time of when it will show up.

I dont know why the anger showed up Saturday afternoon into the evening, and I dont know why I cried Saturday morning out of the blue while looking out the window, but what I do know is, it’s information, and I know I need to pay attention to it, and honor it.

I will go to church today, (have my one coffee I am allowed on Sunday for lent) – I’ll be calm and quiet like I always am –  I will pray, and I will go back to being who I am minus the anger. I will swallow it again, until it circles back around. It’s a vicious circle, but one that I truly know I eventually have to open up, and close with truth.

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