31 days of reflection {day 12} Sunday Psalms

4ea0e3b4466ccb23b237e7a847e036edThis is by far one of my favorite verses from the book of psalms “but as for me, I will always have hope” Psalms 71:14

I truly believe God has gifted us with hope.

Hope is not something we can learn, hope is not something that we can buy or bargain for. Hope is not something seen, but something believed in.

Hope is like the wind, we can’t see it, but we can feel it when it hits us.

Hope is something deep inside of us that God gave us from the very moment we took our first breath!

Hope is my anchor on this healing path I have been on for 7 1/2 years now. Hope is something that I truly hold on to, because I believe something better is here for me.

My therapist often asks me “how do you do it?” .. HOPE is always my answer. Hope that something will change, hope that I will move out of the struggles I suffer from. Without hope I don’t know where I would be.

Hope is the light when it’s dark to the point of being blind.

I will always have hope no matter how hard it gets. Hope is what got me through the many days as a child when I didn’t know what the next day would bring.

Hope was my friend and still is to this very day.

I believe hope is what keeps us alive when we feel life is being taken from our soul. It gives us a reason to take another breath when we feel breathless.

Even in the hardest of hardest days, I always have hope.

I TRULY believe GOD is HOPE and HOPE is GOD!

As I walk into and towards another week ahead of me, I will hold strong to the hope that has never left astray! I will conitnue to hold onto the hope that God has gifted me with.

I will hold onto the hope that if things get hard this week, I will know that something is constantly changing within me, and that change will lead to more hope and more healing.

I will walk into this week knowing that “YES” this is hard and “YES” I am working hard through the fight to move out of this isolation I have been in, and no matter what, I will believe in the hope that is here, because GOD created me, and God created hope, and in that – I will love GOD and to love God is to believe in the hope he gives.

Here’s to HOPE no matter what is ahead of me.

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31 days of reflection {day 10} god will restore

d337982bcdc5809daac6445e8d41120e8 years ago a good friend of mine and a pastor at the church I once went to (before I became Catholic) shared with me this verse from the bible that I will never forget, and that is:

“God will restore what the enemy has taken from you”

I believe this verse to be so true in so many ways for me. I see it happening everyday when God gives me the strength to get up and fight the day ahead.

I see his work when I feel I can’t take one more step in the struggle.

I see it in the people he places on my path, and the connection it creates.

I truly believe God works hard to restore whatever damage has been done to our soul, and although it may not always look like what we want it to look like, it’s there if you truly believe in it.

I sat here this morning and I wondered “what work has God done in me this week? and what can I thank him for?”

Well I think he helped me to move through a tough week with my husband being gone on a business trip this past week, and safely returned him home to me last night.

I  believe he helped me to be in good connection this week when I felt the moments of disconnection pulling at me, and being able to talk about that with my support and then creating it to be a bigger connection than I thought.

I believe he has really worked hard in my soul this week to take bigger steps on my healing path that I thought possible this week.

I see it, I feel it, I know God is constantly working hard to restore me, and I also know it’s on his time and not mine. He knows what my soul needs, I just need to trust his path for me.

So as I sit here this morning writing, I am reminded of that wonderful verse that I was reminded of 8 years ago, and every day, every year I see the work God is doing in me, and for some reason this morning I was reminded of that, and it makes me smile to know he is still working hard in me – I must not lose sight of that, and I thank him for loving me enough to take away all the struggles life has handed me.

What has God restored for you? Do you see his work in you? if not, be patient, he’s here, he’s always here – trust it.

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31 days of Reflection {day 9} care

lonely-heart I am blending in my 31 day challenge and Five Minute Friday tonight!

The Five Minute Friday word is {Care} and I am also using the word Care as a part of my 31 days of reflection.

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It has taken me years and year to accept support, care, love and connection. I don’t struggle to give it, I struggle to accept it.

7 1/2 years ago I walked into therapy and I had no idea what was going to be ahead of me on this healing path. I had no idea that I would ever believe in connection and connecting in care with others.

I always felt love and care was “conditional” .. that it came to me but only at a price. I never knew that care could be something I could freely accept just because for who I am.

When I first began therapy my therapist slowly began to teach me what “safe” touch was. Every session he would pull his chair a little closer to mine. He wanted me to get used to what it felt like to have someone “care” and not “abuse” that care while talking about my past.

Finally one day my therapist was sitting so close to me that he reached his finger out and told me to touch my finger to his, and there I was, making a personal connection while allowing myself to be seen and vulnerable.

It was a safe connection, and I learned so much about personal connection after that big moment for me. I didn’t numb out like I normally do when people approach me, and there I was, allowing someone to care and make a personal connection to me.

Here I am 7 1/2 years later and I can accept hugs, accept touch, accept others to embrace me in care and love. It took a lot of time to accept, but I finally realized that I was worth unconditional love, support and connection.

I have been married 23 years and have 3 amazing teenage boys, I have never had an issue loving and caring on them to death, but accepting was a whole different story. I would numb when people gave me hugs or tried to touch me. It took me a long time to trust my husband and even then there were moments I numbed out the past just to be present to the now with my husband.

Today it’s so different. Yes there are times I struggle with connection and my self worth, but it’s getting better the more and more I accept the care and support.

I realized that its just as important for me to accept love and care as it is for me to give it. Its a slow process, but one that I am embracing more and more.

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