still holding on . . .
This weekend so far has been a toss between good and hard, sad and happy, empowered and maybe feeling a little weak, but I try to remind myself “I am not there yet, but I am so close“.
Being stuck in place and waiting for “the switch” to happen inside is not always the easiest thing. I know what I want to feel, I know what I want to do, I know where I am going – but it’s not here yet.
It can be so frustrating at times.
In all the years I have been working on my healing and physical healing in the gym, and all the hard work I do – this is the longest I have been stuck emotionally.
I have support, I have love, I have people around me who remind me that I am cared for when I am feeling down.
I am surrounded by endless understanding. I have a therapist who checks in (in between sessions) and always reminds me of the okay-ness of where I am, and showing me the hope of where I am heading in my healing.
I have people who embrace me – ask me how I am doing if I am the slightest bit quiet. I have people who understand this “stuck” place emotionally I have been in, and truly deep inside I know if I hold out my hand, I have 10 hands waiting for mine… but really finding that goodness is an inside job.
I have learned that no matter how many people surround me, truly the way to goodness and strength inside is something that I need to grab a hold of myself. There is no one who can do it for me – support me YES absolutely, but do it for me NO.
In the past when I have been stuck I have waited for that switch to happen and I know when it happens, because nothing can stop me. I am filled with fire, I am ready, I am pumped, I am filled with unstoppable energy .. and sitting here writing this, I know it’s close, I know I am almost there, but not yet, something is still there and we are working hard to figure that out.
I have been stuck emotionally many times in my life, but this time it’s taking longer, but the one thing I have learned in this is that, something is to be heard, learned and understood about this time, and I am listening quietly and patiently.
I will continue to pray to God; show up and write him letters about how I am feeling and know that when the time is right, when something is to be learned from this stuck place, that I will move, and not only will I move, but I will move BIG!
Like my therapist tells me and just told me “what we can do in this moment is stay connected, continue to lean in, you continue to look at all of us who have their hand out, know that we can talk about anything, and keep holding the hope, and it will happen“.
– I will feel better inside and move out of this stuck place I am in.
I will get to the place again to go to church every weekend and not feel unworthy of it. Enjoy eating again without feeling sick to my stomach. I will go to the gym with no fear that I am not strong enough. I will go to the coffee-house and sit with my friends and let myself be seen in the hardness OR the goodness without feeling isolated. I Will move out of this stuck place.
So tonight I will make dinner with my family. I will write my Sunday night connection email to my therapist. I will go for a night drive with my husband like we always do on Sunday nights. I will continue to write.. chat with my close friends online.. relax with a book, and tomorrow I will wake up and let the healing continue.
However I will say this, this has been a VERY hard “stuck” place I have been in for 2 months now; the longest I have been stuck ever.
but I have BIG FAITH – HUGE FAITH that it’s not going to be like this for much longer. I KNOW something is waiting for me and that shift will happen. I know something is going to happen to where I shift into a huge place inside my soul and in my healing, and I trust all the love and support around me in that .. but right now I will just move through each moment until that moment comes…
I have some hard work to do in therapy this week .. we have two 2-hour sessions planned this week and deep inside – I have a good feeling about this week coming up. My therapist sounds filled with hope, maybe even a little joyful/excited, and he says to me ” you don’t see what I see, but you will“. I trust that, I really do. I have been trusting it for 6 years and I will continue to.
I am blessed by all the people who know about my hard stuck time right now.. God has surrounded me with good good people .. I am lucky and have never lost sight of that – ever!
8 Comments
Hanna D
April 7, 2013 at 7:40 PM
Bless your heart Karen! You know, when I have clients who are stuck, it usually means something big is on the horizon! I truly believe you are close to something, because it’s always the toughest before it gets really good.
Something about this blog writing gives me hope. It’s not a hopeless feeling kind of stuck writing, it’s different. I have a feeling you will move through something big Karen and I can’t wait to read about it.
Pay attention to your feelings, thoughts, emotions, and gut and move through it while staying connected. You are on the right path – trust me.
blessings
Hanna
KarenBeth
April 7, 2013 at 8:16 PM
Wow Hanna, funny you should say that. Andy just wrote me an email saying something very familiar. He said to me “this email shows me you are close to something because it SUCKS and it’s HARD!” he said “Help is on the way, I am here for you” …. just that email alone gave me so much hope that this stuck place is not a stuck place forever.
Thank you Hanna and I Will pay attention. It gives me hope that you see other clients go through a place where emotionally they feel stuck, but it means more than stuck, it means something big is happening inside. THANK YOU
Sharon O
April 7, 2013 at 8:23 PM
Sometimes when a hard ‘time in therapy’ is happening an hour and a half to two hours is necessary to do the work. I know I have been there.
I have also sat in the ‘office’ an hour after to become more aware of now time.
If the counselor is good they can manage the ‘feelings with you’ then train you to manage them when they are not with you.
It is teamwork.
The key is to remember … the only way out is through.
KarenBeth
April 7, 2013 at 8:34 PM
Hi Sharon .. oh yeah, it’s not “therapy” I am stuck with, it’s this place of just feeling the past surfaced over the last couple of months. Therapy is great actually.. We do 2 hours every Tuesday and I am there many times a week and have no problem separating the work of healing to my outside life.. I manage that very well.. I am just stuck right now everywhere .. emotionally. We know why, but sometimes when you are so stuck in a place emotionally, it’s hard to move out of.
example .. I see the good plate of food, I want the good plate of food, but my body wont eat the good plate of food no matter how hard I try.. that is an example of how emotionally I have been. We know why, it’s just moving me out of that stuck place. I think talking about it and talking about it is going to loosen me.. I have a feeling this week something will happen.. thats my thought .. because sometimes when it feels the worst, it’s the best…
you are right.. the only way OUT is THROUGH! 🙂 thank you Sharon
Sharon O
April 7, 2013 at 11:18 PM
hope I am helpful and not preachy. Never intend to do that.
KarenBeth
April 7, 2013 at 11:41 PM
no no not at all… I love hearing about others experiences in therapy as well 🙂 I think it’s great that you did therapy for so long and got the healing you needed… 🙂
Gel
April 8, 2013 at 1:57 PM
Blessings on your way Karen. I just am in awe of how you keep sticking with this process.
I hope you get your appetite back. I remember when one therapist told me that it takes energy and stamina to process emotions. That was important for me to hear and it helped me realize that in order to have the ability to work on emotional healing I have to support it with my physical body as well, not just to grit my teeth and push forward.
Sending love your way!
KarenBeth
April 8, 2013 at 2:38 PM
Gel … thank you, and you are so right .. I truly believe that when I am feeling my most “FIT” health wise, it’s almost as if I can get through anything emotionally. They absolutely tie together. Tonight I am going to try and hit the gym, and even if I show up for 10 minutes, it’s a step in the right direction.
Thank you for the love and support … I am truly blessed by good friends like you