redefining hope

“How big is this problem on a scale of one to God?”

When I saw this quote it took my breath away for a moment! It’s holds so much meaning yet something that can be so confusing.

I have a ambivalence relationship with God; one that I think is finally coming to an understanding.

At times I am torn between not wanting to burden God with my little problems vs someone’s big, and yet I am coming to realize there is no scale; God is here no matter what the hurt is, no matter what lays at my feet that burdens me big or small.

At times I am torn between why God leaves my side, and why he shows up when he does – but I am coming to realize it’s by his path and choice, not mine.

My therapist always reminds me – “If God is for us, how can anyone be against us“. I never used to know what that meant until this year; until I have gone through some really tough moments when I needed to hear that truth, even if I didn’t quite believe it then.

Just when I think God leaves my side and there is no hope for figuring out the hard and painful, he’s there giving me a sign either through other people, or as simple as a whisper in my thoughts or a dream.

I think that this past week has been a testimonial to just how much God shows up if I allow him to. I have finally found empowerment over things that barred down hard on me this year. I learned to accept what support looks like through it, and somehow found a little more worth in myself to accept that.

I walked towards God again after being away from the church for 3 months – if that isn’t God, I don’t know what is.

I sat with my Deacon last week and he made me see things that only God could help me see – through him. He assured me of what it is I need to do to let go of something that someone has done to hurt me, and pray for them, not to give them strength, but to give me strength. Deacon Bill said “Prayer doesn’t change other people, prayer changes YOU“… and this week is a true testament of that.

I asked Deacon Bill when I sat with him last week, “How does God hear everyone’s prayer?” and he said “Isn’t that amazing, isn’t that a beautiful thing?”.. but yet he didn’t have an answer for me – it’s just something that is beyond our understanding, it’s just there within us – it’s the holy spirit within us.

When I sat in church this morning at Mass after being away from the church for 3 months, I had tears, not because I was sad, but because I was happy to be back in a place that I feel worthy to be in again. I have come to realize that just because I am going through a hard time, it doesn’t mean I am not wanted or worthy to show up in front of God; God wants us no matter where we are in our lives, no matter what we are going through.

Last year I heard a quote from Father Paul  that totally floored me – he said “Church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints”. NO matter if we are going through trials and errors in our lives, or if we are elated with happiness; God accepts every part of us.

This year has been a year filled with unquestionable hurt, unnecessary derailment, and hard hard work in my healing – but it has also made me stronger not only in my healing, but in my faith, and stronger in the relationships with my support.

I am a firm believer that we cannot just “hand” everything over to God, he gives us strength to move through the things in life we are faced against, and he hears our prayers to give us love and hope.

Another quote that my therapist told me a long time ago (and still reminds me of this every now and again) that I LOVE is “God is here for us through minimum protection, but maximum support“. I have always loved that and held onto that quote in questionable times.

This week has been a week of celebration and dance for me in therapy and in the hardness of what this year has brought for me. I am still working through hard and painful stuff, and at times it’s really hard to hear the goodness around me – but the difference is, I am finding my worth to let God and my support help me through it.

2 comments

  1. Hey Karen, I’m glad your week continues to reverberate with celebration and insights.

    Have you ever thought of putting together a book of wise sayings and writing commentaries on each one from your own life examples? It seems like you would do a nice job on something like that.

    Your thoughts about not just handing everything over to God, but to pray for courage and hope, (oh you wrote love and hope), that makes a lot of sense to me. I haven’t understood the idea I’ve heard of “turning everything over to God” …..it seems like God wants us to grapple with things because that’s how we grow. But I guess the ‘turning it over…” approach is suppose to be about the results…the results of our choices and actions are in God’s hands.

    Thanks for this post. It has a lot in it that I’ve been mulling over.

    1. Gel … in fact I am working on a book right now, my life story of abuse.. but I have also thought about writing a book with all my blog entries in it, a way to show how my healing through therapy is, and what that is like – the process. Thank you for that thought and compliment

      You know, I have strong convictions about people who say “Just hand it over to God”.. I think people who say that have it all wrong! We as humans as Gods creation would not be here if he were to have everything handed to him. We are here to learn, to grow, to seek, to embrace, to feel pain, to know what it’s like to go through trial and errors of life and learn to grow out from that. God created us with FREE will and he wants to see what we choose to do with that free will.

      God is here for us so that we can “hand” everything over to him, he is there to give us strength to find the wisdom and the abilitye to move through the free will of life.

      I always found it amazing that people PRAY to god to heal a person who is sick dying.. it’s GOD’s will when that person passes on, no matter how hard we pray, it doesn’t heal a person, but what prayer to God does is help US inside to gain the strength to help those who are in tough times; those who are sick who need our comfort.

      Prayer and God strengthen us .. but we need to learn to handle whatever the free will of life hands us.

      That is how I see things. Whenever I hear someone say “Just hand it over to God and let it go”.. I always say, “I don’t want to hand it over to God, I want to learn from this, understand it, and gain strength so that the next time I am faced with something like this, I will have that strength to move through it.

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