ready or not. . . . .
… Here I come!
Today I went out and decided to use some of my gift cards and get myself an outfit for Easter.
I picked out some clothes and went in the dressing room (which I rarely do) because it’s uncomfortable, and I tried on some of the clothes that I picked out.
I stood there in front of the mirror and wept! I looked at myself and I thought “what happened to me? I look drained, I look tired, I lost weight, I look unhappy and stressed out”!
I threw the clothes down, grabbed my bag and left .. I got in my truck and I said ENOUGH is ENOUGH!
I there and did a huge “WAKE UP BRAIN!” (wake up brain meaning – grasping onto what is really going on inside – get with the program, wake up).
I texted my therapist and said “OK here we go, I am getting up out of this stuck place and I am ready – whatever that means I am READY to move out of this crappy ass place I have been in! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!”
I am done letting whatever emotions that surfaced to the top bring me down to sitting!
Whatever part of my past that has come through – it’s time to work through this – the time has come – it’s time to honor what is here right now!
I know that sitting and honoring is sometimes a part of the healing, but when I stood in front of the mirror today and just saw how much my energy was depleted and how drained emotionally I looked, I had enough!
I have lost some weight, I am not eating much, maybe bites of food and drinking way too much caffeine for my own good.
My sleep is nothing where it should be, and I am tired of being in this place of being drained both emotionally and physically – NO MORE!
Maybe this was the switch I needed! Maybe this was me finding the switch and finally flipping it!
My therapist and I talked yesterday about what we need to do to move out of this sitting place and I know it will be some hard emotional work.
I also turned to a good friend; a woman who frequents my blog. She is a very smart woman who specializes in child trauma in Canada and her and I talked and she explained to me that it’s all about “healing the child within” .. whatever part of my past that has surfaced, it needs a place to land softly, but it takes some work.
last night I was scared at the thought of entering into something like this – “healing the child within?” I don’t need to re-parent the child within!! what? Why? that sounds unrealistic and silly, maybe even immature.
I am a parent – I am a mom of 3 beautiful teen/adult boys who I love and care for everyday. I am a wife 22 years married. I am an adult over 40; a woman who is not a child, but an adult, why should I re-parent the child inside, that wasn’t my job!
What I realized today and actually accepted was, whatever emotions that surfaced from the past in this past year NEEDS healing, and that is healing the child within that need a voice in order to have closure.
When I got into my truck and had tears after looking at myself in the mirror and seeing how drained out I looked.. I realized “This is what I need to do, I need to re-parent and work on the child within and work with my emotions that have surfaced and – I AM READY!
ENOUGH is ENOUGH! I am up, and ready to walk! I am sick of being stuck in this place emotionally that I have been stuck in for a year and I am ready to get my ass up and start moving forward – however hard that is, no matter how much work it takes.
Like the quote says above “Take every chance, drop every fear“.
My therapist called me back today and said “I am excited! I can help you through this, all you have to do is accept, this is the path, this is what we need to do, this is the stuff we need to talk about, and I am so excited and honored to be a part of this journey“.
A journey I have been on for a long time, and I know how to move through hard healing! it’s time for the next step and it starts now!
I told my husband tonight that I am ready to hit the gym strong this weekend! I am ready to run and get my strength back physically!
I am ready to find my way back to church! I am READY to move out of this place that has no movement and walk towards something that does!
Tomorrow I show up to my session and I take a hand and I begin to walk. I start talking, writing, drawing out my feelings in that new workbook I bought… I begin working hard with what is here, and what has surfaced – no matter how hard it will be!
It may be hard and painful in the short run, but in the long run it will be HEALING and movement towards ME!
I have learned a lot about re-parenting the child within and I will have to write about it and share it with you all.. it’s quite interesting that even people in their 60’s and 70’s work with their child within.. I am scared, but I am ready!
March 28, 2013 at 11:56 PM
Karen! You are bold and brave and courageous for writing this blog tonight! I am honored as well to have helped you through some of this.
healing the child within is the most adult thing anyone can do. Everyone hasa child within. people who were not abused have let the child grow with the adult. People who were abused as children, had to be an adult at a young age.
I work with clients all the time who have kids, who are married who walk into this process of healing and to me, it’s the most honoring and courageous act of healing. It’s needed, and if you dont honor what is here, it’s toxic.
This was a powerful blog tonight! I didn’t even finish reading the whole thing before hitting reply I was so excited!
God bless you and reach out to me anytime you need it
March 29, 2013 at 1:45 AM
Hanna … thank you and thank you for being an ear to listen, I so appreciate your friendship and advice ..
It’s big and scary, but it’s also BIG and SCARY in a healing kind of way too.. it’s BOTH/AND
Thank you Hanna ((HUGS))
March 29, 2013 at 1:19 AM
Love this statement, “It may be hard and painful in the short run, but in the long run it will be HEALING and movement towards ME!” It does pay off in the long run. I promise. I have been there.
Even after all the hard work, there will still be moments, but they are further and further between, and they hurt less and less as you recoginize them for what they are and allow them to just be. Even after the hard work of healing, it’s still okay to grieve what never was but should have been.
Beautiful words tonight.
March 29, 2013 at 1:32 AM
Thank you Tara and I love your blog as well! Thank you for visiting …
I appreciate your kind words 🙂
March 29, 2013 at 7:45 AM
This is wonderful to read Karen. I’m cheering you on!
It seems like you have the right combination of being caring and kind to your inner child while also pushing into new territory.
I can relate to it feeling a bit incongruous, to be an adult with adult experiences and understandings, but to also be tending to an inner child that is very young. You have the support and the attitude to do the reparenting and you sound motivated.
A lot of times people look in the mirror and don’t like what they see and respond by being self punishing with harsh diets and exercise etc…but I believe you are different here, you will be motivated to care for yourself with firm loving actions. And with the help of your gym coach and your therapist.
Once again you model healthy choices, and passion turned towards living life fully.
Thank you dear friend.
March 29, 2013 at 5:07 PM
Gel … thank you for your comment. I am pretty good at knowing when to pull myself out of being in place for too long! I will kick and scream if I have to.
Today in session was a GREAT start … I am so blessed to have a therapist who stands by my side to help me work through whatever is here.. we have a good understanding what to do .. great session today and I am feeling VERY hopeful on getting up and walking on the path again
Thank you Gel
Christa Sterken (@Csterken)
March 29, 2013 at 11:19 AM
Karen, first- your blog is beautiful! So glad I found it and I will be back. More importantly, thank you for sharing your raw heart. Your words resonate with me…
March 29, 2013 at 5:07 PM
Aww THank you Christa for stopping by, it’s nice to meet you, and thank you for your kind words 🙂