This morning I woke up not feeling good about myself. I think it was the left-over lingering effects from the hard hard day I had yesterday.
I knew right away that this was going to be a hard day to connect with anyone, because one thing I have learned and that is “if you are not connected to yourself, you certainly cannot connect with anyone else”. You have to be connected to accept connection.
Today was my longer session, and during session I felt disconnected. I kept blaming it on my therapist “your energy is low”, “you’re not open enough!”, “why are you rough around the edges today?”
He would smile and say “no, I am here, I am open”
Then I realized what had happened today – it wasn’t my therapist, it was me. I was projecting my own feelings I had about myself today onto him, and then it projected back onto me – which made me feel he was feeling that way about me.
It’s amazing what projection can do. We feel down or bad about ourselves therefor thinking the whole world see’s us as the same.
My therapist wasn’t low on energy, he wasn’t rough around the edges, he wasn’t distant or leaned out, in fact he was supportive, soft, caring, very open to hear and be supportive in whatever showed up – it was me. It was about how I felt about myself that was getting in the way of allowing goodness in.
It wasn’t until I got home and changed my clothes a couple of times (something I do when I don’t feel good about myself) when it hit me, its ME and how I feel about myself today that is projecting out and back.
One of the things I suffered from as a child when I was abused was being ridiculed! I was made fun of by many people. Not only by the abusers, but by outside people who thought I was strange because I was so quiet as a child, so I walked around thinking I was how I was treated and abused.
When I first began therapy one of the things I feared the most was that my therapist could “SEE” the abuse if I shared the story. He reminded me time and time again that he can’t see what happened to me, he only see’s the person who is in front of him – Karen, the woman healing from terrible abuse from her past. It took me a long time to really get that and not feel as if when people looked at me, they could see the abuse that happened.
So when I woke up this morning and felt bad about myself, I reverted back to old messages that people could see how I felt about myself, and that must mean they feel the same way about me – bad, no good, ugly, unworthy to touch, un-loveable.
it’s a struggle, but the more I understand projection, the more I understand where it comes from and why.
Sometimes the feelings about myself are so BIG that it’s hard to point out if I am projecting or if I really feel and look the way I feel. It’s a challenge and its one of the many things I am learning to heal and overcome.
So today I am not feeling very good about myself, but I am feeling a little more connected knowing where it came from and why I felt so disconnected. Its my job to accept that I am loved, I am a beautiful person, I am worthy and I am ENOUGH. I just have to really reach down deep inside and find it on days like today.
You know, the most amazing thing about this healing journey is that I am really seeing what the abuse did to me as a child. I think a part of healing is about putting meaning and understanding to our feelings and actions.
NO there is no sense out of something senseless like abuse to a child, but at least I understand and accept WHY I feel the way I do sometimes, and my job is to heal and find empowerment over those who made me feel this way.