a little bit of change

f0c1bd9e6f2b4225e7615f056c97eacbI am in the process of doing a little change to my blog! No I am not changing the look except I am going to switch around some of the photos in the ticker above. I am going to change a little of the way I write.

For the past 5 years that I have been writing this blog, I have focused most of my energy on my therapy and healing and writing mostly about my process of healing and my therapy sessions.

Although I love to write about my process of healing, I also feel I am missing out on writing a lot of my everyday thoughts, feelings and processes.

I am a thinker! I love to think, I love to write about my thoughts, and I love to share moments that mean a lot of me other than just healing.

I am going to write about my health, my new routines in my physical health and working out. I am going to share more about my family and how they are incorporated into my healing. I am going to write about book reviews or quotes that I love and see during that day that touch me not only in my healing process, but outside my life.

I think pinpointing my writing to one subject for 5 years leaves me hanging in all my other thoughts I would love to write about.

YES I will still write about my process of healing in therapy because therapy is a huge part of my life, I still work hard 3-4 days a week in therapy while I am going through a very rough time in the physical health and emotional health, but I also want to invite others things in my writing.

I hope you all will love the changes. I plan to add more resources on my blog for others things as well. I am excited about this, because I feel sometimes I hit the cap of what I write about and I am left with all these other thoughts inside that I am itching to write about. This gives me an open canvas and that excites me!

I think my therapist Andy really inspired me open myself up more to let myself be seen all around and not just the things I struggle with. I am a hard worker, but I also have a lighter side to me as well and I would love to share that – just as I am sharing that in therapy now.

I am a lover of quotes and I would love to share more quotes photos I love and to share what my thoughts are on those quotes.

Of course having an open canvas may open me up to write more, so I may be writing everyday and that also makes me excited as I miss writing very much.

SO be on the lookout for some changes and I hope you enjoy all of me and my writing.

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7 years of healing!

1966138_741320649242251_878509534028131797_oToday marks 7 years that I have been on this amazing healing journey; the journey to healing and finding life on the other side of what I only knew.

7 years ago I walked into therapy and met someone who would make a huge impact on my life and in many ways still does.

I not only met someone who impacted my life to walk this journey aside of me, but I met myself through the healing process.

The photo to the left is the hope box that I made my therapist celebrating the amazing connection and goodness on this path and the reflection of who he is as a person, healer, and someone who I admire and look up to.

When I was 5 years old I remember sitting in my closet rocking back and forth saying “God, I really wish I could find someone who I can talk to and trust” and I remember repeating that prayer a lot; even into my teen and adult years.

God answered my prayers 7 years ago when I built up the courage to take the steps towards healing, and to dive forward into this amazing yet very hard journey.

This has been an incredibly hard but rewarding journey! There have been moments of wonder and unsureness when it got REALLY hard, or at times overwhelming – but I have learned how to fight in those questionable moments of wonder! I found my worth that every time I show up, its another part of me coming to life.

If I were to look back on who I was 7 years ago, I would have to say I don’t quit remember the person I was, because its so different than the person I am today.

I have learned about connection and trust. I have learned how to use my voice to be heard with no consequences or judgement. I have learned how to take risks even when the risks were filled with wonder and fear. I have learned how to connect with someone and to learn that not all connection is abusive, connection can be love and care.

7 years ago I wouldn’t let anyone come near me unless they were my kids or my husband. When people would come towards me to hug, I would scatter in fear or numb myself enough to not feel it.

My therapist has gently taught me how to walk towards people and not run away. He has taught me how to embrace a hand, embrace a hug, and to know that I am loveable and cared about and wont be abused in that.

7 years ago I would show up to session and spend a good portion of the session with one foot out the door only saying a few words towards the end before leaving.

7 years ago I didn’t know how to talk about my feelings, or even say the word “CRY” without wanting to run. My therapist has guided me and pulled me in to learn that my emotions are so OKAY and they are welcomed, supported and cared about.

Today I am a different person and it took a lot of hard work to get to this point.

There were some real struggles along the way, and some things that almost got in the way of my healing, but connection and the goodness of our work showed just how strong our connection is and the relationship we have built along the way.

The process of therapy is painful, but rewarding when I can look back at who I was 7 years ago and not even notice the person I was to the person I am today.

I am still walking this amazing healing journey, and although there are times its so hard that I don’t know how to keep moving forward, the process shows me that there is another side and I am still walking forward, not backwards.

I am SO grateful for my therapist Andy who is an amazing soul and has TRULY  taught me what life can be like on the other side.

Thank you Andy for showing up and being big and truly taking me in to your wisdom and guidance and helping me to really trust what connection is like.

This has been a HARD, PAINFUL yet amazing journey to healing, and every step I keep taking forward I know  am walking towards the person God intended me to be.

I am blessed for this journey, and thank God everyday for hearing my prayer to healing.

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Checking in and connecting

family tree image from cover of 2013 ARI haven’t written in a while, I have been a little on the quiet side and really focusing on my physical health. But I am here and plan to write more in the coming weeks as I miss it very much.

I have gotten many emails from people asking me if I am okay and why I haven’t written, and I just want to say thank you for being so caring and loving my blog.

Right now I am working very hard in therapy around both the physical health I am going through, and the emotional – but I have to say this, my therapist and I have done such amazing work in the past month that it has really helped me to get through the physical problems I am going through with my heart.

Right now its about focusing on the day to day steps of connection. It’s about not going too forward into the unknown and the things we don’t have control over, and stay right in this moment connecting in what we do have control over.

I am seeing a specialist for my heart problems and that is the next step after the scans I have had done. I just had a bilateral leg scan last week testing for blood flow from the heart and now we are taking it to specialist. It has gotten so bad that when I wake up in the morning I can’t bend my fingers until the blood flow catches up. I have a weak heart valve that could be causing the problems with the blood flow.

Going through physical health problems really take a toll on me emotionally because I am such an active person that I struggle so much with my limitations right now… but the work in therapy with my therapist really has helped me to stay grounded and focused to what is here.

My therapist has been AMAZING and that word is saying it lightly! He has literally taken my hand and kept me above water through all of this and I am so grateful for him! so incredible blessed, and because of the good work we are doing in therapy, it has helped me to lean on my family more and the people around me.

My therapist and I joke all the time and say “if we could take this connection and heal the heart, it would heal in seconds, that is how good the work has been….. if only! but that is not the case and the next steps right now is to continue working with the specialist and hopefully we can find the right path to getting me back to full health.

I had an amazing Easter and spent the weekend with my boys and Tim. Christopher (my almost 22 year old) spent the night and we just had so much fun making dinner and just spending quality time together.. I don’t get to see him much, so that was nice. I took a very nice photo of him (below) over the weekend.. I can’t believe my 1st baby is going to be 22! he is so handsome, loving and caring.

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I also took a photo of all 3 of my boys! I dont get a chance to do this often! I usually have to bribe them, but they were pretty willing this time around.

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My middle son is turning 18 this year and of course Nathan is the baby in the family and he is 15! time is going by so fast and I just enjoy all the moments I spend with them!

I plan to change the way I write in the blog.. I am thinking of going in a new direction with my writing! its not all going to be different, but I plan to write other things as well outside of my healing in therapy! I want to incorporate some new kind of writing and I look forward to it going forward.

So you will see me writing more in the up-coming weeks, and just know that I also enjoy connecting with others.

This path is a hard path, but if I were to look back at where I was even just 2 years ago, I would have to say this direction I am going is AMAZING! the connection to self and my support is amazing and the work I am doing in therapy is honoring and awe inspiring compared to where I was.. I am truly blessed!

I will continue to let you know how my appointments go with the new heart specialist … and of course my healing health in therapy as well. I miss writing….. this felt good!

It’s a hard path, but a path VERY worth taking to full health and healing.

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