the week ahead – staying grounded

tree-in-a-storm-tamara-leigh-jarvisI have a week ahead that is going to challenge me on all levels. I am a routined person, and I depend on that routine to keep me grounded and connected.

Being a child abuse survivor and living in that life as a child and into my teen years, I depend on schedule, and routine and knowing, and anything that is out of that sync, sets anxiety through me like you wouldn’t believe.

This week is completely different for me. My husband is having shoulder surgery this week, it’s not a major surgery, but its enough to just put me into anxiety about him going under.

I myself have Dr. appointments and a full body scan that I have to have done in a MRI machine and that in-itself is enough to send me into anxiety on top of finding out what is going on with me and what the plan is going forward.

Some of my therapy sessions are at different times this week and being a routine person its a challenge for my therapy sessions to be at a different time of the day, because that is where I ground myself the most. That is one the place I depend on being the same with no change.

I have a lot on my plate this week and sometimes when that happens, I tend to want to crawl inside of myself and just be still waiting for it to all pass over. I get quiet, let the weight seep in and make me silent…….

But that is not the person I am anymore. I am the person who faces the changes and connects to those around me to keep me grounded. I talk about my fears and anxieties. I lean in on my support when it feels too overwhelming.

A part of healing is facing those out of sync moments and knowing that just because the routine has changed, doesn’t mean the connection has changed.

I don’t like that I live in fear of change. I don’t like that I have to work so hard to not let anxiety and fears overcome me when things go out of sync.

It reminds me so much of being a child and keeping track of everything around me. My safety and comfort was knowing everything that was ahead of me and what was going on, it was my security and my way to survive. Today I still hold onto those things and when it goes out of sync, I am MISERABLE!

So, I decided this morning I was going to face it, write about it, prepare for it, share it, because I know I am not alone in this, especially with those who are survivors like me who depend on routine.

I told my therapist about my fears when we connected this weekend and no one understands the fear more than he does, and we are both working so hard for me to change that mind frame and to know that no matter where I am, I am connected and grounded.

This is the work I have done in the past 7 years .. its all about grounding yourself and trusting those roots even though they can shift a little.

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a taste of acceptance

self acceptanceIf you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation“.

This past week I have felt accepting without guilt or shame or even the fear of dependency.

I KNOW right? what a huge difference for me as I struggle with this on a daily basis.

My therapist and I had this amazing talk Monday, and not just Monday but this whole week we have worked off of each great conversation.

My therapist and I connect a lot. Connection is a huge part of our work and of our relationship in therapy and outside therapy.

We connect not only in sessions, but we connect by phone, sometimes text, and over the weekend there will be a quick text from him and a Sunday email that we have traditionally done for years.

I have noticed that I struggle with accepting the connection that is here for me, and if I struggle with that connection, how is that connecting?

So Monday I went into session and talked to him about the struggle, and talking about that struggle of accepting really helped me to accept and be more accepting of the goodness of who I am, and my worthiness.

Talking about this with my therapist allowed us to realize the tension:

if I am feeling unworthy of the connection, and feeling as if I am “too much” or “not good enough” for the connection, then he is picking up on that energy and then he starts to wonder and battle “am I doing enough to help Karen” .. there was this tug of war going on..

I not only struggle with this INSIDE therapy, but I also struggle with this in my every day life with other people.

Talking about this allowed me to accept my worthiness of connection to all those around me.

I told my therapist that maybe it would be good to maybe not text on Saturday and allow time and space over the weekend, and because I made that suggestion, it gave me a feeling of goodness and worthiness of myself.

When we care about someone, we want so much to connect with them and make sure they are connected, but sometimes “too much connection is disconnecting” and that is what was happening.

Ever since we have had that talk on Monday, I have had this sense of accepting on a whole new level. My sessions this week have been open like a WIDE OPEN space I never saw before.

My therapist actually said to me “I am leaning off YOUR wisdom and courage off this, you are helping me as well”.

We came up with this good plan of connection that fits the both of us and because we did that, it took away the guilt and the fear of dependency away from my mind and allowed me to see that I am worthy of connection! I am NOT too much. I am loved and cared for and that is why others want to connect to me.

It allowed me to set a good connecting boundary with other people as well with friends and family. I no longer have this weight over my head.

Because we had this talk Monday and because I initiated the talk, I feel like I created a healthy boundary that cut back the connection just a little, but that created MORE connection than we ever had.

My whole life I was always made to feel as if I was too much. Connection came with a price. Connection came with consequences and lies and I never trusted that there could be a healthy connection without dependency on other.

I sit here and wonder, if I apply this kind of courage to the work we are doing around the young me, I can imagine where this goes on a whole new level of healing!

I am excited for the first time in years.

When my therapist has called me in between sessions this week, I haven’t thought “am I worth it? am I too much?” I have embraced it as “I am worthy of connection”.. and the energy is so different now. I haven’t hidden behind the silence of guilt, or shame, and fear of dependency”.

When a friend calls me or texts me, I no longer shy away from being open with them, or being shy to their loving words to me.

When you can truly sit back and look at the difference between accepting and being fearful of accepting, I can see clearly where the damage has been done in my past, and being able to see it, allows me to heal it.

I imagine just what I can do with this small taste of acceptance this week. Its like having a whole new field to run out into.. what can I build and the possibilities behind that… and all the healing that can be done in that.

If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation“.

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my “belief” in Mother’s Day

4274_MilitaryMom_BTN_V2R1hiresI am not a huge on-board believer in Mother’s Day. I know that sounds harsh, and many people may disagree with me, but its something I feel very strongly about.

I am a mom of 3 beautiful boys and I work hard to be their mom not just one day of the year, but every single day from the moment I wake up to the time I finally rest my head on the pillow.

What bothers me the most is society making this day out to be “buy this and buy that” and its nothing but a money market for consumers.

Shelves are stocked months before hand for mother’s day. Cards are already being presented at all the stores, and you can’t flip through any TV channel without having the day being shoved in your face to “buy this and buy that”.

You see a swarm of people standing around the card stand the day before, trying to find a card that fits the words to their liking for “Mother’s Day”, and everyone is rushing around to buy gifts and empty their banking account on a day that we are “told” to celebrate what should be celebrated everyday of the year.

I feel the same way when you see an organization like “Child Abuse Awareness Month”, or “Breast Cancer Awareness” month”.. why should we be aware or make aware of something ONE month of the year? We should be aware and make a big deal of the importance of these things every.single.day! not just one day or one certain month of the year.

Today is Mother’s Day, and I don’t want cards, I don’t want gifts, what I want is to spend a day with my kids like I want every day of the year. If my kids get me something, I will certainly be grateful and accept, but I don’t expect it just because the day tells them that they have to.

When my kids were younger I thought it was cute when they came home from school and gave me something that they made for moms day, but I always made sure they knew that mom’s and dads was a fun day, but also to respect and love your mom and dad every-day.

My husband also is a strong believer that if he wants to get me something nice, it’s not going to be on a day that tells us to like Mothers Day or Valentines Day .. when he see’s something that he thinks I would love, he wants to treat me to it when he feels is the time, not on a day that society tells us too.

Mom’s should be celebrated EVERY day of the year, not just one day. It’s a nice suggestion, but I think consumers have taken this day way too far and everything is about “MONEY” and “how much we need to spend”.

Today my oldest son is over, and not because it’s Mother’s Day, but because it’s Sunday and he comes over on Sundays. We are having a nice breakfast and Dinner together.

I don’t want my family to get me something because they feel they have to .. I would rather it come from a moment that they feel and think about me and at a time that is unexpected!

Here is a GREAT video on a Mom’s JOB that I think everyone should watch.

The Toughest Job Interview!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HB3xM93rXbY

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