decisions

As you all can tell, I haven’t stuck to the 31 days of writing challenge! I felt so much pressure around making the daily posts that It made me shut out my writing all together, and to me that is not what I wanted this challenge to stand for.

I thought time and space would allow me to do the 31 days of writing this month! I was ready for it, I was wanting to connect to all the wonderful people on this same journey, but each time I went to write, I would notice how many days I was behind and it was discouraging!

I then thought about it more and said to myself, “is pushing myself to write every day a true way to connect to others and my writing?” The answer was no, and I think I realized this time around that the 31 day challenge is not for me as much as I wish it was. It made me sad!!

I don’t want to force myself to write just because that is what the challenge requires. Does forcing myself to write to meet a daily deadline healthy for my mind? I think it stresses me out, and I’m reading more and more about others who feel exact same way!

Writing for me comes from a very deep place, and when I write, it comes from a place where I connect to myself, and to what is going on inside. I can’t just sit and write to write, it has to come from something – a feeling, a thought, an experience, a certain energy within.

This challenge was too demanding on the way I write, so I decided to stop the challenge and go back to what it is I love to do, and that is writing from the journey I am on, and choosing times to write when I really feel it; not just to force myself daily to meet the daily writes.

Its a great challenge, don’t get me wrong! I respect and love what this challenge is about! I thought it was going to be ok to miss a couple of days here and there, but it got too overwhelming and I don’t want it to take away my true love of writing and why I do it. I dont want to get so burnt out that is takes the love out of my writing.

SO, right now? I re-focused my energy back to writing the way I love to write, and I also decided that I am going to make a new look to my blog! I am working on a new layout! I am truly excited about it, and I cannot wait to share it with you all.

Thank you to all who were on this 31 days challenge with me! I admire those who have done this challenge thus far and succeeded, but its not for me, and I want to re-focus back to what this blog stands for me. I am excited about what is to come for this blog and my writing.

Thank you to all who conitnue to support this journey and my writing – I love all my writing friends.

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Another Door Open

For years now, I have been in and out of the process of writing my book. I was so close to making it happen a couple of years ago; even got myself a publisher. The moment I began writing, I got triggered and began struggling to move through the process of writing about the past.

Recalling memories from my past were too painful to write about, I thought I was ready with already years of work with my therapist talking about my past – but something was missing and I wasn’t ready yet.

I decided to put it aside and work with my therapist on “inner child work” – – you have seen me write about accepting that I have an inner stuck child within and we have worked really hard on that the past year. its been hard work, but good work.

I began really trusting the memories without feeling I was actually back in those moments to the point of being able to talk about it without getting lost or disconnecting. Sometimes its still hard, but I believe I am ready to take this step.

When I got the denial letter for the retreat it hit me really hard, but I truly believe this was Gods way of saying “your ready for something bigger” . .so I thought about it and decided to take another chance at writing my book – sharing my story on a bigger level. I asked my therapist in session yesterday if he would help me and the young part walk along side this story to start writing and his response was nothing short of supportive, caring and compassionate. His words were “I would be honored to take this step with you in our work” ..

So even though just last week I didn’t believe in “when one door closes another one opens” – today I believe that the money I would have spent on this retreat in February, is just what I need to make this bigger step happen.

“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”- Brene’ Brown

I may not be able to be with a bunch of people on a retreat to talk about my story, or to hear amazing wisdom from other poets and writers, but I can take the step into making my story happen, by using my voice to write this book of my past.

As many of you know, I have already chosen the name and the cover of the book, it’s the inside that is the hardest – and I am ready to this step.

The name of my book will be “Alone in the Closet” ..

So it begins, again – one door closed but another door is open to this journey of writing about my past – writing my story so that I can connect with others to show them that life can happen afrer abuse. You can heal from childhood sexual abuse, and you do have a voice to be spoken!

Its a big step, it’s a vulnerable step, but a step I know I am ready to finally take. I couldn’t do it without the support of my husband, my family and of course this healing journey and my therapist who has walked ths journey with me for over 10 years now. I am blessed!

So – as I write this today – I truly believe that when one door closes, God is awaiting with another door open. Take that step through.

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3 DAYS – LIFE HAPPENS

The one thing I told myself when I agreed to do this “31 days of writing” was not to be hard on myself if I missed a day of writing, because “life happens!”

life gets in the way of time we have to ourselves sometimes. Life gets in the way of our thoughts, and our means to have a moment to ourselves, and that’s what happened to me yesterday.

I actually had a very vulnerable session yesterday in therapy! I talked about some things that were hard and allowed myself to sit with my emotions, and sometimes when that happens, it takes me out of my sense of self because I am not one that does very well with showing or feeling emotions.

When I came home from a hard but GOOD healing session, I had no energy left in me to put any words to this blog – – and then life happened and the day got away from me. By the time I realized I didn’t write, it was this morning! At first I felt disappointed in myself, and then I remembered the purpose of this 31 days, it’s about letting life be, and the writing working around my life, not me working around the writing.

So, as I sit here tonight writing Day 3 and 4 together, it’s a good way to say this is life and if you miss a day, or you have to let life come first, its OK .. at least we are still making the effort to be vulnerable to this amazing challenge.

I wont let it stumble me . . . I am here and letting life be what it is, and letting my writing coming along side of it.

For those who are brave enough to take on this challenge of the 31 days – keep in mind, life gets in the way, the days come and go and give yourself the space needed to write when you can.. let life happen just as your writing. If you miss a day, its OK .. keep going forward, I am in awe of everyone who takes on this difficult vulnerable challenge.

Be kind to yourself.

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