last week was a 9 day break from EVERYTHING to do – NOTHING! and what I realized was, sometimes NOTHING can be EVERYTHING!
No Doctor appointments, no therapy (as my therapist also took a week off), no running around for others, or having to tend to school stuff. I made sure I was as free as I could be in those 9 days I had off.
It was about taking those 9 days and really getting out of my head and into the heart of other things around me, and in that time I realized some things that overcame me in such hope and joy!
Sometimes when I can have that break from the hard emotional healing work I do, that is when I can find something to shift and move around inside to make room for a change. If we stay at the same pace every single day, it tends to rely too much on itself and there is no change or movement happening.
I have done this many times over the years of breaks and vacations, but something about this time was very different.
I managed to take this break and pray a lot with God and hand some things over to him that I really was struggling with. I am not a believer in “handing things over to God”… I never have been a believer in that, because I believe God creates us to use the people and things around us to move through the every day struggles we go through.
I believe that God wants us to use the connection with others in the light of God to help us with our burdens. I hate it when people say “oh, just hand it over to God and let it go”. NO that is not what God wants us to do. God smiles when we are able to find what he gives us and to utilize it in a way of healing.
BUT what I did realize over this break and what I did allow myself to do, was to ask God not to take something from me that I am struggling, not so much to hand it over to God, but to allow him to watch over something that I have struggled with now for 2 years.
I was siting on my couch one morning and I thought about a particular “situation” that has happened in the past 2+ years now, and I said to God “can I use your eyes to see what it is that is burdening me, and give me a change of heart around it.
A COMPLETE CALM came over me in that moment last week when I realize that God can hold something for me and put eyes on a situation while I go and heal the way I need to heal around it. I no longer have to be at the mercy of what has burdened me for 2+ years.
When I was able to get out of my head and into my heart to allow this process to happen, I had a change of heart, and I haven’t looked back on the burden since, instead I am looking at it forward to heal it.
I shared this with my therapist in an email before we had our first session after break and his response was everything supporting, caring and hopeful! He had so much hope for what it was I could have a change of heart around, because now it gives me room to heal without having to hold what I was holding and going through. Sharing this with him felt like a celebration that holds so much hope.
Sometimes when we bang and pound on a door over and over begging for it to open – but all we needed to do was turn the handle and allow yourself to step through it.
We sometimes don’t see what was there all along. Sometimes we can be so caught up on the hardness of it; that we don’t even see the door handle, we just see the door we want to walk through, and we fight and fight to get in!
So that is what I did last week.. I stopped banging on the same door wanting it to change – and realized what I needed was there all along. A simple handle to open the door and here I am – a step into hope on what is ahead for me now that I got in.
When I allowed myself to stop and look, I realized what it was I needed, and what I needed was just to have a new set of eyes on something and a change of heart to move towards ME and MY healing instead of the burden put upon me.
I feel different this week. I feel open, softer, and more present with not only myself but with others around me!
I am ready to get back into my head and heal what has caused me to go into such a self isolation the past 2 years – and even though that sounds hard and I am sure it will be hard at times – at least I am not banging on the door waiting for something to change that won’t change.
I am on the other side of the door now – here and present with a little more room now to heal.
“all changes are created in a moment – with a simple choice”