One of the things that I had promised myself when starting this blog over a year ago was that I was going to open up as much as I could about what it is I go through in this journey called “healing”.
My main focus at first was to slowly introduce my thoughts on many different things in life, and then slowly open up about my past, and then move into talking about my healing in therapy, and through connection.
In the past month, I have been opening up more and more here in my blog. I have also been reading my blog entries with my therapist in sessions during the week. I read and speak it out to the room! It has truly moved me through a whole different direction in my healing, along with the great work that I do in working with the timeline.
I have found that the more and more I am writing, sharing and being with them, the more I am getting to the core of some really hard things that I deal with, and that I feel I can open up about, and being vulnerable and open towards healing.
It all started yesterday, I was on a website that I am a member of called “after the silence”, and some woman asked a question to everyone and said “does the pain ever end?”.
I saw that question and had an immediate reaction to it, it was sadness. Those are the moments I want to reach through the computer and just give this person a hug. Her question broke my heart, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it, I couldn’t sleep, because I hold something that I go through everyday, and I know what pain feels like.
I thought about it more, and more, and thought about it in church this morning, and decided that I was going to open up in this blog about something that is truly the hardest to talk about, and something I still deal with on a daily basis. This has truly been the hardest thing to over-come in my life, and I still struggle with it daily.
I am hoping that by sharing it, it may not only bring relief to me to open up about it, but to bring some light to others. I may not have an answer or a resolution to this, but by opening up about it, it may help others to know that “you are not alone”.
Since as far back as I can remember (age 5).. I go through this bout of emotions that we call 2 O’clock. We call it 2 O’clock because it’s around the time of the day that I was abused daily as a child (after school).
No matter what I am doing, what mood I am in, who I am with, where I am or what time of the day it is – I go through this chain of emotions that hijack me out of nowhere. There is no warning, no “bracing for it”, it just shows up!
The emotions that take over me are – sadness, loneliness, a sense of worthlessness, and fear, feelings that I did something wrong, feelings of need and want but not knowing what I need or want. I even have a feeling of hate towards myself.
Sometimes the sadness will bring me to complete tears where I have to stop anything I am doing and go home and just be alone in it, or there are times when I just shut down and disconnect from anyone around me. When this happens it’s almost as if I am not present with anyone around me, it feels THAT bad.
There have been people in my life that have seen this happen to me on a daily basis since I was a child (my sister being one of the main people). My sister for the longest time could never understand why once a day, I would get in this “funk” she called it, to where she couldn’t even reach me. I was blank, and almost non responsive.
She would explain it as me being deaf and not being able to hear her no matter how many times she would try and talk to me. The feelings that I was going through in those moments were that powerful and that horrible, that I couldn’t even hear anyone around me. I guess you could pretty much say I checked out internally.
I have lost friends because of it in the past, because I couldn’t function when I was around them when this happened to me, and they thought it had something to do with them. When this happened I would want to go home and be alone with these feelings that would overcome me. It was truly hard to be around anyone when these feelings came on, and today I still struggle with being around people for a long amount of time in fear that it will happen.
It doesn’t last all day, and sometimes it’s very brief, but it’s never brief enough. It can last anywhere from 15 minutes to hours. Whatever the case may be, anytime with this, is too long, especially where I have lived in these feelings my whole life.
When 2 O’clock ends, it’s a feeling of relief – you can imagine that is how I felt as a child, when the sexual abuse was over for “that day”.
There was a time just a year ago that I tried to cover the feelings of 2 O’clock up by taking pain pills. (hydrocodone, oxycodone) getting them from my doctor; faking pain that I never had. As we all know, those are only temporary relievers, and no matter how many pain pills I took to cover it, the problem was still there. What I learned was, the pain medicine was fake feelings, and I needed to honor the real feelings to heal!
I manged to walk away from that short-term addiction (thank you God for that strength), and turned towards something more healing and that is – talking about it, and honoring it. I turned towards opening up about 2 O’clock, and facing it, rather than covering it or running from it.
Today, it’ a little easier to deal with, because I now know what it is. These feelings are the same feelings I would have as a child before the abuse would happen. For some reason it has carried inside of me all these years, and even now today, I still go through these chain of emotions.
I have learned to handle and work with them a lot easier than before, and I feel today I have more control over it. When I am going through 2 O’clock, I reach out. I reach out instead of going inward.
When I am going through 2 O’clock today, I write an email to my support, or, I will send just a simple text saying “2 o’clock”, or I will call any one of my support and leave a voicemail saying “going through 2, and I am reaching out”. I have actually gone through 2 O’clock in therapy, and we were able to work with it, and understand it more.
One day I was so frustrated with it, that I decided instead of letting it hijack me everyday, I was going to use it as “information”. I was going to talk to it and say “OK what are you trying to tell me, and how can I honor these emotions?”. Instead of letting it be a fear, I welcomed it as something I can work with, instead of against it.
Have you ever gone to the ocean and tried to walk against the current? it’s a lot harder to walk against it, than to turn around and walk with it. So when 2 O’clock comes, I try and walk with it, and honor the feelings it’s trying to tell me.
I have found that by walking with it, it’s less powerful, and I am finding that I am having more and more control over it each day. No, it’s not easy to honor something that makes you feel horrible inside, or feelings that bring back emotions you had as a child before and during the abuse, but I can either let it define me, or walk “with” it.
I dont have an answer as to what will make these feelings go away, but what I do know is that, I am healing through it, and I am not alone. I am trying to tell myself everyday that these feelings I feel, are just information; a piece of my past that I need to honor and understand instead of letting it take over me, and disconnect me.
I dont know why I had the childhood I had, I dont know why I went through all the torture I went through, I dont know why 2 O’clock shows up everyday in my life. I dont know alot of things, but what I do know is that, I am healing, I am walking towards my true self, I am talking about the story from me, and I have the most amazing, loving and caring support I could ever ask for!
My therapist told me a quote a long time ago that I have held onto, but didn’t quite find it in my heart to accept quite yet, and tonight as I write this, this quote finally found a place in my heart and that is “God is there for you in minimum protection, but maximum support”.
I have Gods strength everyday to help guide me to where I see light in my path. God could not control what happened to me, but he sure could give me strength to get through it!
Those are all powerful things that 2 O’clock can never overcome, and everyday I try and remind myself of those very things.