making my way back

tumblr_mppsib5Ypr1rzbas4o1_500My blog has been down a little over a week (10 days) and I have to say it has been the most miserable 10 days I have ever had. I felt lost, I felt unfulfilled, I felt like I had no outlet or connection.

In the past 10 days I have really done some thinking about what it is I want, how I can delegate my time better, how I can write and not be afraid of last year repeating itself. How I can connect and also have time to focus on my forward movement in the new things I have going on in my life?

I am excited to say that I am putting my blog back up and I am going to continue to write when I feel the need to connect, and not feeling as if I have to write for the sake of writing.

In therapy the past couple of days I cried because I felt this hole in my heart from not writing. I have been writing since I was 5 years old and I feel my reasons for shutting down the blog are more damaging to my self than it is helping. I thought it was what I needed and wanted, but after being gone from it for 10 days, I noticed I was starting to isolate more and become withdrawn.

I really appreciate those who have stood by me the many times I have shut the blog and put it back up. I don’t think anyone truly realizes how hard this has been for me since last year. It was a very difficult situation and when you are put in a place where you are trying to find empowerment over fear at the same time, sometimes the fear takes over the strength.

I truly believe that I can make putting my blog back up an empowerment rather than a fear being led to eat me up. I truly believe there is a reason I struggle with this, and there is certainly healing happening on both ends. I have gotten a lot of emails from people who have asked me to put my blog back up because they missed it, but I found myself not wanting to do it because of that, but for myself.

In these 10 days I have really come to realize just how much writing is a part of my life. It was my voice and outlet at 5 years old and being silent for the past 10 days really made me feel and hold that this is where I belong – writing and connecting with others and at the same time, finding the empowerment over all the fear that last year brought to me..

I am excited and anticipatory … I am many things right now and I look forward to slowly bringing this back into my life and a part of my healing.

I am a believer that God gives us gifts. I believe we all have purpose to do what it is that we are meant to do, and writing and connecting I feel is something I was meant to do – just like the CASA training. It’s a calling and I hate to think that calling would be driven by fear. I wont let it.. not ever again.

 

16 comments

  1. Dear friend,
    Your writing brought me to tears. I am at a particular down place in this moment and reading about your courage to be vulnerable is inspiring. Thank you so much.
    Jim

    1. awwwwwwwww See this is what I miss! connecting with others.. this makes my heart smile! I hope that you can get to a place of connection … your not alone!

  2. It is great to see your blog back and active again. I didn’t like feeling disconnected there for awhile. Now it’s better. I look forward to reading about your progress. God bless.

  3. Hi Karen… I can understand wanting to take your blog down, but pleased you have made the decision to stick with it. I would be lost without writing – that outless, as you call it. I think, we underestimate what our blogs mean to other people. I always love to read of your courage to recover, it gives hope and inspiration. Blessings, Karen

  4. Hey, I’m new to this blogging thing, only two weeks old actually and I’m SO glad i found you here.

    I can really relate with all of your posts and all of them brought me to tears. (And rarely anything brings me to tears)
    I’m moved by your wisdom and struggle to fight this evil. I can’t tell you how much, everything you wrote, meant to me!

    I hope through you I can fight some of my own demons and help you fight yours as well.

    P.S i really want to follow you, but is there anyway i can follow you by other than email as i don’t open my e-mail very often.
    Thank you.
    Lots of love.

      1. Pleasure was ALL mine. I’m honored to have found someone as courageous as you :)

        Thank you for the follow, i hope you enjoy my feeble attempt at blogging :)

        And thanks for the link as well, I’ll be able to get all your new posts there as well, right?

Please take a moment to comment! I love connecting with others!