looking back to move forward

8-back-in-time-PhotographyThis morning when I woke I made my coffee, sat in my new favorite place in the house (in front of the fireplace) and I decided to log into my “OLD’ Facebook account; the one I had before I created a new one a couple of years ago.

I don’t know what made me look back on that old account, but I have learned over time that when something speaks to me, it will always have some kind of a meaning or impact; a message for me to learn and grow from – and it did both hard and good.

For over an hour I read old status messages, looking through old photos I posted from 2008 – 2012. I read through all the wonderful messages friends wrote on my wall and the interactions, and fun times I had with the people who I feel are dormant in my life right now.

It was bittersweet, and truly made me realize how hard the past 2 years have been for me. There are places in these 2 years I have grown emotionally, but how Isolated I have become to the things I loved once before.

I read how active I was with the people in my life. I read how energetic I was and how SPUNK filled I was going here and going there on trips with friends, and working out at the gym! I was active and living life to the fullest and it made me sad because these past 2 years have been nothing close to what life was like just 2 years ago.

I have gone silent in some ways. I have turned my back and walked away from many things and people who meant a lot to me and not because I don’t love them, but because I didn’t know how to be around those wonderful people feeling the way I was feeling – going through what I have been going through.

Reading through all those years and looking through all those photos made me realize just how much I have isolated and sometimes in order to move forward, we need to look back, and like with everything else, God always finds a way to show up in my life to show me something that I really needed to see… and this morning instead of going to church (like I used to love to do), he said “look Karen, this is where you were, and maybe it’s time to take steps forward not to where you were, but to a new kind of the old”.

In the past 2 years I have grown emotionally in different ways, but I did it away from the people and things I love and adore. Instead of growing with them, I went and isolated myself.

I turned my back to my close friends and my church family because I didn’t know how to be “NOT OKAY” in front of those who see me as being strong, full of life, energetic and fun-loving! Instead of asking all of the people in my life for help, I turned and walked away from them.

Not only did I walk away from people, but I walked away from the things I love to do and be. Reading through all those moments I had for years before I started to isolate was like looking int the life of another person yet I know it’s me. It was surreal and sad.

So as I sat there for hours this morning looking through all those old moments, I also forced myself to realize that the work I am doing now is GOOD and I am connecting in ways I haven’t connected before, I just need to find a way to connect back to those who I love and love me back and let it be okay that I have had a very 2 hard years, that maybe it’s okay that I wasn’t strong enough.

It was hair-raising to sit there and see everything there in front of me of how it was, and where I have been the past 2 years. It truly made me sad. But like my therapist said to me just Friday “we are working hard towards getting you back” and not only getting me back, but stronger than I was, and I am getting there.

These past 2 years have been full of heartache, anger, unsureness, depression, isolation.. I have been frustrated, and also had some physical issues!

It has been a whirlwind of a 2 years and looking back on where I was over 2 years ago; it makes me want to fight harder to get back there, but not as I was, but as the stronger me with new wisdom and healing I found in this isolation.

I would hate to think that the past 2 years were meant to happen, it’s not the lesson I would like to grow from, but sometimes it’s the harder times that helps us to grow into a different place. Maybe those years I looked back on this morning was not the place God had planned for me – maybe I needed to see something bigger out of the hard. Maybe I needed to isolate for 2 years to find something bigger than me – I just wish it didn’t cause me to turn my back on so many things I loved and loved me back.

The past 2 weeks in therapy with my therapist have been some of the best work I have done in the 7 years I have been working along side with him and my healing path. He has helped me to see that I can connect and lean in and not do it alone – that I can talk about big stuff and not be ashamed or protect others and their feelings. It hasn’t been easy, but there is healing somewhere in this.

I have learned more in the past 2 weeks about acceptance of support and letting someone else guide the boat instead of me always doing it myself. It has been a challenge I tell you that, but I see something, and maybe this good work is what caused me to look back on the hard stuff this morning.

So I keep taking steps like I have been, little by little each day both emotionally and physically, and maybe it’s not about getting back to where I was, but more so going forward bringing along all the things I loved and loved me back.

2 comments

  1. Hi Karen,
    There’s so much in this post that feels familiar to me. Thanks for writing it. I go through waves of difficult feelings when looking back at how things were, sometimes because it’s like reliving the hard stuff, and other times because of the things I’ve lost and feel sad over that.

    This last few days has been really busy for us with a project, so I’ve been mostly out of touch with blogs. I read yours and have been mulling it over. But right now I don’t find a lot of words to comment with. Just want you to know that I am listening with feelings of understanding.

    1. Thank you GEL :) …. means a lot to me :) it really does.. lets keep the connection going, the healing healing, and the good words of wisdom guide us :)

      dont let the hard disconnect you from the goodness that is here right now .. keep writing, keep connecting :)

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