setting me free

SONY DSCI have been holding onto something big inside for a couple of days; something that has been bothering me deep inside and today I decided that it was better to let it free from inside of me, than to hold onto it and let it eat me up and tear me down.

I haven’t been feeling well the past couple of days. My heart has been acting up again, I have been tired and lethargic and weak, and I can’t figure out what in the world is going on, and then I realized “I am holding onto something” and when I hold onto something inside like fear, sadness or anger, its like a poison inside of me that eats away at my internal organs and I feel physically drained.

I have a heart condition, and when I have a lot of stress going on inside, or when I am holding onto things inside that bother me, I feel it physically. I will get boat-loads of palpitations. My heart will race just standing up from a sitting position, I feel tired and lethargic. I have meds for this, but sometimes not even medicine can make it better, it’s all about relieving what it is inside of me – getting rid of the cause, not covering it.

Today I decided that I was going to talk to my therapist about it; about what it is that has been bothering me the past couple of days – and I did, and I feel so much better inside!

The vision I had driving home from my session today was opening up a cage of birds and letting them fly free – the birds being what it is I was holding inside of me, and the cage being the belief that I have to hold it in and hold it by myself.

The moment I opened up about what it is that is bothering me inside, my shoulders dropped away from ears, my stomach let go of the tightness, and I could breathe a little. My heart felt some relief, and I began to feel softer. I felt a warm smile come over my body like I gave it the biggest relief.

My therapist was understanding about my concerns, my fears and what it was that was bothering me. We talked about what it was, and then we talked about what it is we can do to help me along in these feelings and fears.

I think back to my childhood and I can’t even fathom how I held onto the things I held onto. I am not just talking days, but years and years and years of abuse I held inside of me.

I honestly don’t know how I did it back then, because today, as the adult I am now, I suffer in the small things I have to hold at times – never mind months or years.

I don’t know why I held onto this for so many days, because deep inside I always know that my support, (especially my therapist), will truly understand and embrace whatever it is I am holding and need to talk about.

Today I knew deep inside that if I opened up about what is going on internally and what is bothering me, I would have help and support through it – but yet for the past 4 days, something kept it inside of me, and I am so glad today I decided to let it free and let it be known and heard.

I believe the process of healing has helped me to learn that what we hold in is toxic and what we let out is free – that and my power of ability to hold things in without people knowing I am holding things in has become useless (laugh).

There is this funny quote out there that says “I used to have superpowers but then my therapist took them away” lol .. I laugh but it’s true. Holding in things is not as easy as it once was when I was child or a teen.  I don’t have the tools to build walls anymore, I have learned to step over the wall and takes risks through my voice so that I don’t have to hold onto it anymore.

So I talked it about it, I was heard with gentle ears and a hand to hold and my heart feels lighter. I shared what it was that was bothering me and how I feel and I now feel I am not alone in this. We have a plan, we have an action, I have support and whatever it was that was eating me up inside doesn’t have as much power now.

My hope is that the remaining of the day I will continue to feel the goodness from this, and physically I will start to feel a little better.

I know that I am surrounded by love, support, care, and connection. Nothing can beat that – not even what it was that I was holding in.

12 comments

  1. You be careful miss! what kind of heart condition do you have? are you on meds for that?

    Well I am glad you sought relief in talking to your support today. I hope all is okay, I will say a prayer

    Gracie

    1. Gracie – I have whats called “Bicuspid Aortic Valve Disease” it’s slightly enlarged. I was born with it, and it gets worse as you get older and mine is growing. I will need valve replacement at sometime in my life.. depends on how fast it grows. I get a lot of heart palpitations especially when I am stressed because my aortic valve works overtime to pump blood.

      I am on meds.. it’s a beta blocker and daily aspirin to keep the blood thin. I went into AFIB back in 2004.

      I am okay.. more than okay. Today is a better day. I talked about what was going on inside, and my therapist was very caring, gentle and understanding and I feel better knowing that whatever it was I was holding and bothering me is shared and someone can help hold it with me :) thank you Gracie for caring .. I am okay

  2. Karen. I am so glad you found some kind of relief in talking about it. It sounds like you and your therapist made a good plan around what it was you were holding, and I hope that gave you some relief.

    I know that when I talk to my husband or my close friends, I always feel like a load has been lifted. Sometimes we try and carry it on our own.

    Thank you for sharing because I myself am having a tough day, and it reminded me of those who make me feel better

    ~*~* Heidi

    1. Heidi . . welcome to my blog.. Thank you for your comment. Yes we did make a good plan, and I feel blessed to have the option to use my voice when needed. He always has a way of making it better and today I feel better.

      Thank you Heidi .. I hope to see you more :)

  3. Thanks so much for stopping by my blog, for your kind words, and for pointing me in the direction of this space. “A new kind of hope”–what a lovely phrase, one I’ll be thinking about all morning as I go about my day. It’s what we all long for, isn’t it? New hope…

    1. Thank you Kimberly .. a new kind of hope? yes we do long for that and hope is always around us.. I hope you find that today

  4. Thank you for visiting my blog. Your place is lovely over here.

    I recently wrote letters to everyone who has ever hurt me. I started each letter, “You hurt me when” because I never dealt with the actual wounds that were left in my heart. I ended each letter with “but I forgive you.” After writing the letters, I burned them. It was a great way for me to deal with what I had held inside for years.

    God bless you today!
    Beth

    1. Beth – WOW that is some empowerment right there! that is HUGE! what a good way to move through some pain.

      This something that was bothering me needed space and I gave it space.. now it’s time to work with why it bothered me and how to not get it to bother me.. finding empowerment is so much a part of the healing …. thank you for your comment and I am so glad you stopped by :) welcome to my blog …

  5. This paragraph sums it up:

    “So I talked it about it, I was heard with gentle ears and a hand to hold and my heart feels lighter. I shared what it was that was bothering me and how I feel and I now feel I am not alone in this. We have a plan, we have an action, I have support and whatever it was that was eating me up inside doesn’t have as much power now.”

    This is the template I’m trying to use more in my life too. It’s still scary for me to trust someone else. But I am, in baby steps.

    ;->

  6. Gel . . . it’s amazing what time does.. healing is such a progress but a progress that is so important … thank you for your comment

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