late night thoughts

2978965707_93538e7cb6It’s 3am and I am wide awake! I am not sure why I am wide awake I am tired but yet anticipatory at the same time.

This week is my Birthday (Thursday the 12th) and I am pretty excited about it this time around.

I don’t normally get excited about my birthday but we have plans and I am really looking forward to dinner with friends and family and celebration together.

My husband is treating me to a Pedicure and Spa. My family from up north is sending me money to buy some clothes for my new CASA program because I will be working in the court and need to dress very nice. And my boys are making me my favorite dinner and cake.

In the past I dreaded my birthday for many reasons known and unknown, but this year I am looking forward to the celebration with the people I love. I think each year that I work on my healing and self, I am starting to find self worth and starting to believe that I am worthy of being with others and their love for me.

There are times I struggle with it, but I am really trying to move out of the unworthiness and into trying to see the worthiness. Some days are easy, and some days I want to curl up under the covers and not be seen. It’s a work in progress.

I am also looking forward to my therapy sessions this week. We have some good work planned, and I love the direction our work has gone in lately. I have felt closer to my therapist lately and the room feels more familiar vs how it’s felt since last year happened. I am beginning to feel as if things are finally falling back into place, and not only falling back into place, but a better place than it was before.

My CASA training class this past Saturday was amazing! I felt right at home with all that I was learning and hearing. I am excited about what my role will be, and how my healing will impact others and how others will impact my healing.

I have a lot of online assignments to do before my next Saturday class, but it’s good work! Its hard work – but good hard work. I am learning so much about families and the rules and laws on abuse and neglect. I am learning how important objectivity is and how this will help me to grow in that aspect. I think some of this training will be emotionally challenging, but that is what I have Andy (my therapist) for. He is great at helping me stay grounded and focused.

I was in my class Saturday and he texted me saying “So, how is it going? I am SO proud of you” and that kind of support was so heart warming. That is the kind of support I never had as a child or when I was in school way back when. My therapist knows that some of this training is going to be challenging because a lot of it is going to hit home when it comes to abuse, but I have an amazing support system.

So as I get ready for bed and close out on the weekend and open up the week ahead, I thought I would sit and write and just be with my thoughts as I move forward into this big week ahead.

I have 4 sessions of therapy this week and I am anticipating each one. I look forward to continuing the openness that we have had in session and I also look forward to sharing with Andy all my CASA training assessments I have done this weekend. I like being able to walk in and share it with someone who really listens and cares with all his heart, and better yet, I am accepting the support, love and care more and more and I think that is new for me.

My husband has been incredibly supportive of my CASA Training and that is also something new for me – not new that he is supportive, but new that I am seeing it and accepting it.

I hope that everyone else has a great week this week …. I hope to find some time to write more and share with you whatever is here – so until then…

1 comment

  1. I’m so excited for you doing this CASA training. I think you’ll be really good at the advocacy work. And the kids you work with will be so blessed to be with you.
    enjoy the process!!!

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