I often wonder . . .

47449-Sometimes-I-WonderI am writing on my linkup – Tuesday at Ten Prompt phrase “I often wonder”

Sometimes I often wonder why. . . . . why?

Why did I have the childhood I had by being sexually abused since I was 5 years old?

Why was I the one abused, yet no one else was touched? Why me?

Why was I raped? what did I do to deserve my purity to be taken?

Why was I neglected and abandoned in the midst of this abuse and be so invisible that not one person noticed the “hurting child who was suffering inside?”

Why do I struggle with anxiety and fear every day even as an adult today?

Why do I have to move through my day differently than others just to get by?

Why don’t I have a mom who I can confide in, cry with, talk to about my problems that only a mom can understand?

Why is this my path, and why do some have a life so fulfilling?

Why do I struggle to be the person I want to be out of fear and past messages telling me no!?

There are a lot of questions as to why, and nothing bothers me more than when a person says “this is the path God chose for you because he made you strong to handle it” .. that is CRAP!

God didn’t create this path for me, in fact, I know God was and is shaking his head at all the free-will sins that were done against me.

God created me in the image of him in hopes I will be the best version of me I can be, and that others would treat me with love like he expects of us.

I will never blame God for all that has happened to me. He chose a path for me, but he can’t control those who walk on or through my pathย  and their actions. He can’t control all that happens, but he can sure give me hope to hold onto through it.

I can sit here and wonder all these things above, and that is okay, because wondering is a healthy way of seeing the difference between what is vs. what could be .. but to stop my life in the midst of wondering is not what God would want from me. I need to keep going finding ways to over-come.

I truly believe God gives me strength to move through these struggles – some days being easier than others.

But the one thing I have learned the most in the past year is this – I can sit and wonder, but by sitting here thinking of the “why’s” and the “how come’s” or the “should have could have would have” I am missing out what is right in front of me. I am missing out on the “next” and the “possibilities” and the “hope”.

I have truly learned to let go of “why” .. there is no answer to why, because there will never be an answer that will give me all the things I am missing or that have been taken from me. But I can put my energy into “change” “steps” “more hopes in the healing process”.

I show up to therapy 3-4 days a week! I work hard, I move through hard moments to get to the good things on the other side of this hurt I have been holding since I was 5 years old. THAT is what God has created in me – the ability to show up and trust the process of healing, because God heals, God gives us the ability to heal –ย  – not change what has already been done.

What I do believe is that, those things that hurt have made me a stronger person. Those things I never had in life make me grateful for the things I do have and makes hope shine a little brighter, and hope becomes a gift and not something to be taken for granted.

I think I got caught up in the “WHY’S” out of frustration, and as my therapist reminds me “its okay to be in the frustration and anger, as long as I don’t let it “BECOME” me or be too long in it”.

I can sit here and wonder, but it really takes me out of where I am and where I can go ..

I hate this hard place I have been in for over a year now … but I can’t look back, I can only look forward into each step I am making every day, and those are hopeful GOOD steps forward, not backwards.

9 comments

  1. Wow! I totally understand this feeling. I also wonder why I wasn’t as strong as many others. I allowed it to destroy my life for sooooo long. Like you said God created the person inside so I am able to keep it moving.

  2. I am so sorry for your pain, I was in tears reading this. Thank you so much for sharing your story and testimony. I really appreciate the way you called out the misconception that strong people are somehow rewarded with atrocities…the evil choices people make are exactly that. Your sincerity and genuine voice are such a beautiful light to those struggling with similar issues…thank you so much for your courage and all you do!

  3. Perhaps you don’t run with the crowd where such treatment is the norm and continues. I work in a shelter for domestic abused/battered women and their children. Many of the women are older. The stories they tell would horrify you… and yet, that is their life, and continues to be. They have no therapists to hold their hand. Indeed if they get any help it’s at a local mental health clinic whose preferred method of treatment is medication. And such things are generational. You have the blessing of a caring husband. Many of the women who show up at our doors (sometimes with only the clothes on their backs) have husbands/boyfriends who brutally assault them and sometimes the children. The police are minimally effective at helping in these situations. Shelters such as where I work are frequently the last hope for some women and it is well documented that the need is far greater than the available shelter beds. Everyday I say “there but for the grace of God go I” Any problems I have ever had in my life pale in comparison to what I witness daily.

    1. SO … because I don’t see these woman in these shelters and all the horrible they have gone through, and because I have a supportive loving husband I am not allowed to hurt or feel the pain for the suffering I went through????? I think that is a little rude and even shallow to minimize someone’s pain just because there is worse out there, or others who have it worse off than I have it?

      never have I have ever not counted my blessings for the good I have in my life, I thank God every day for my husband and kids, but it doesn’t take away the nightmares, or the depression, or the triggers I deal with every day. it doesn’t take away the every night waking up crying out of my sleep only to realize it was just images of the past showing up again like a movie that will never end!

      I am the FIRST one to admit that there is devastation out there in this world! That is why I WRITE! THAT IS WHY I DO WHAT I DO.. I am a CASA (child advocate for DEFACS).. I work for the state and I have seen children being abused and raped and I help them find homes that are safe for them to live in, so YES I have see the black and dark.

      Life is a CRUEL place and there are people who don’t have it as good as I have it, (by having a loving husband, and amazing children and even a wonderful therapist, but it doesn’t make the pain I feel hurt ANY less than someone who doesn’t have those things. Pain hurts no matter which way you look at it.

      the one thing I have learned is, not ONE pain or hurt is more than another … whether its the pain of a woman who is supported and loved and cared for, or the pain of a woman who is battered and sheltered and has no home to call a home, HER pain is not less or more than mine, nor can I compare mine to hers or hers to mine …

      But I would NEVER EVER shut someone else and their pain down just because they have a husband or a therapist that is supportive compared to the people you see every day .. that is shallow and low and quite hurtful if you ask me.

      and if you read my blog, I wrote that i am BLESSED for God who can show my hope and the good I have … I know the good I have, but I also know the pain I have and I have suffered a long time. This blog is about me and my healing and the struggles I go through, and the reason I write is to give others hope, not to sit here and point out who has it worse.. I wouldn’t insult anyone to do so ..

      You see those horrible things because that is obliviously what you chose to do by helping battered woman in shelters, but just because you see those horrible things every day, doesn’t mean you have to insult me or put down someone Else’s pain down just because it’s not worse than what you see every day.

      I’m sorry you see it that way, but this is how I feel .. I feel horrible and sad for others who have gone through pain and suffering, and yes I have seen others and their pain .. but I can’t save everyone nor can you or even God .. we can only pray for them that they have strength to move through it and to find healing through their pain.. I pray for others all the time!

      In the meantime, I write about my healing and the struggles I go through, and that is what I believe God called me to do, because if I can write and show someone that there IS HOPE in healing, that is one more people to feel less alone in their pain. I will continue to write about my healing.. but I wont be silenced just because there is worse out there, I have been silenced enough.

  4. I’m so sorry about that other commenter:-{, you are spot on that each pain is unique and cannot be compared or diminished! I loved this post and found it encouraging and empowering in some of my own trials. Thank you for sharing your heart!

    1. thank you Angie … I was taken back by the comment as my heart is always about sharing my pain and experiences to give others hope.. I TRULY feel badly about others pain, but I am me and I do the best i can with all the blessing I have .. but even with blessings, there is pain I hold, and I try and use that as a way to connect with others. thank you for your comment :)

  5. I came into this prompt a bit late.

    Wow- I read this and it was heart stopping.

    Because we have some similarities in our background.

    I am so sorry that all of these things happened to you- they shouldn’t happen to anyone.

    One item I wanted to share- when people begin to speak of how I must be really strong, because God doesn’t give people more than we can handle, I generally respond that God does give you more than you can handle. That’s because He wants you to lean on Him with your sorrows.

    I don’t want to say too much, because this commiseration could go on for days.

    I will end again, with I’m so sorry that you had to endure all of these events.

  6. Great Blog, Looking forward to reading more
    Stopping by and following from Together We blog, Via FB, and Email as well as bloglovin. Would appreciate the love in return.

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