five minute friday {release}

RELEASEfmfWelcome to Five Minute Friday to where us bloggers are given a word prompt and write for just 5 minutes simply for the joy of writing.

No editing or backtracking. No need to be perfect. Just words freely flowing from my heart to yours. Set the timer and write away! Stop at the 5 minute mark no matter where you are!

Today’s Five minute Friday word is {Release}

I had the pleasure of choosing the Five Minute Friday word last night along side Lisa Jo baker! I am the admin and make the graphics for the FMF Facebook Page, so she asked me to pick the word, and I chose a word that fits the process I am going through in my life right now.

(The graphic above was made by me for the Five Minute Friday Facebook page that I posted on the page)

{Start}

This week I wrote a blog called “pain demands to be felt” … and I feel like there is another side to this blog, its about release and what to do with the pain we are demanded to feel.

I am not one to really share something like this because it feels personal, and maybe even a little embarrassing because to me I have been taught that having big emotions is weak….. but last night I had a major breakdown – right in the middle of the kitchen for everyone in the whole house to hear and see!

Last night as I picked up the phone and heard a voicemail “Hi Karen, this is blah blah blah doctors office and we are calling to confirm your 1:30pm appointment on Monday June 23rd, please arrive 15 minutes early” .. I hung up the phone, rather I slammed the phone down and just cried!

I knew about this appointment, but for some reason it just triggered a feeling inside of me of “I have HAD ENOUGH!”

I have been going through a lot of medical issues the past 5 months. I have been poked, prodded, blood tests, scans, MRI’s, Bilateral leg scans, more blood, more ultrasounds, more doctors, new doctors, more appointments WITH NO ANSWERS!

At that point last night I just broke-down and cried and yelled, and screamed to everyone in the room “I AM JUST HAVING A BAD DAY” and I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO UNDERSTAND!”

After my 45 minute melt-down my husband lovingly asked me to go for a ride with him so that we could get me out of the house, go for a ride and just talk about how we can help me to find some relief from the burdens and the stress, worry and heavy heart I have felt for months now.

It scared my husband to see me have a melt-down right in front of him. I rarely raise my voice or show my emotions and my husband stood there with this stare like he was shocked at my demeanor! It scared him and I think at that point he finally realized that maybe this was the RELEASE I needed.

I think he realized in that moment just how hard this is, and sometimes I just can’t be strong!

We went for a ride and we talked about how we can create this weekend coming up to be a good weekend for me, a connecting weekend.  A weekend to get my mind off the doctor appointments, and the stress, and my everyday fight emotionally. “What can we do so that you can have a good weekend and feel supported and connected without having to work for it?” he said.

I think about the blog I wrote this week about how “Pain demands to be felt” and I think last night was the release of that. I think I allowed myself to feel the “I HAVE HAD ENOUGH” instead of holding it in and trying to be strong all the time.

The amazing thing about this is, yesterday, all day, I felt something was on the edge. Something didn’t feel right for me and I knew it all day long.

My therapist called me on the phone later on after our session and I said to him “something doesn’t feel right, I feel like I am beginning to disconnect” “I need your help to understand this and to help me not get into that disconnection“.

Of course my therapist and his wisdom was right on the mark, and he made so much sense.. but what he didn’t realize and what I didn’t realize in that moment was – a breakdown was on the horizon of my emotions and it was going t be big! I was holding so much inside that it needed a way to release.

So instead of going into a disconnection, my self found a release!

Exhausted and tired last night as I went to bed, my eyes were glazed over and puffy from crying for hours on end and I was literally weak, and I imagine that is what happens when your body releases such big energy that was being held for so long.

Just as Pain demands to be felt, maybe the other side of this is having a release is connecting and not disconnecting!

This has been a really hard year for me, and I am so ready for something to be different. The difference this time is, I feel connected, big, and grounded – which is so different from the person I was years ago.

{END}

10 comments

  1. Dear one, may you continue to release those emotions, big or small, and may you sense a calming strength in it all. Prayers for your medical journey!

    1. Thank you Sara! thank you for stopping by my blog and connecting with me … I LOVE the connection my writing brings, that is why I do it!

  2. Such powerful words. Your words actually brought me back to a place five years ago after my abusive ex walked out. For the first time in over 20 years I began to experience such powerful emotional releases and at times it scared me. I had learned to hold in my emotions for so many years and suddenly there they all were — anger, fear and so many others — just wanting to be let out. I learned it was okay to allow myself to feel every single emotion to it’s fullest. I allowed myself to cry for the loss of so much in my life and to even laugh again as beauty came back into my world.
    Bless you on this journey of finding release and connection once again.

    1. Hi Amy! thank you for the reminder of letting the emotions be okay. I am still working SO hard on this. Sometimes it feels okay, and sometimes I just have a hard time with letting it be okay that I am seen in a vulnerable place of emotions.

      7 years in therapy and I still struggle to show my emotions. Its a little easier, but something about those feelings being seen is VERY hard for me.

      Thank you for connecting with me … it means a lot!

  3. OMGoodness … this post (all the posts I’ve read so far) speaks to me and my situation, circumstance, emotions right now! This year, for me and the Hubs, too, has been so hard. And the hard is far from over … yesterday I got two disappointing, discouraging phone calls from doctors! And I broke … unfortunately my Hubs, while he looked at me they way your husband did, doesn’t talk, but he sat by me and is comfortingly quiet with me as I cry and express this anger.
    While I think right now I’m disconnected … I am striving to connect.
    Thank you, thank you for your honesty and your heart.
    Blessings.

    1. Thank you for sharing your journey with me :) .. its so nice to connect with others who know how this feels.

      I am sorry for your struggles as well…. I didn’t think this writing would have such a huge impact the way that it did.. I am blessed for that.

      Thank you for stopping by my blog and reading my journey.. I hope to see more of you :)

  4. Meltdowns scare husbands. They definitely scare mine. We are traveling on a journey of cancer, endocarditis and raising a teenager. We’ve seen a lot of doctors over the past seven years about my husband’s cancer and heart issues. I’m currently in the hospital on IV infusions every eight hours.

    And through it all, I’ve had a few of those infamous meltdowns. I have cried for help. My husband supports me, yet the true relief comes from God. My faith has been shaken, has disappeared at times but it always is hiding below my pain.

    I hear you loud and clear. I pray that you can find out some truths and learn how to make life less painful.

    Found you on 5MF and am glad that I did! I hope that you and your husband have a relaxing weekend.

    1. Hi Patty! Thank you for stopping by my blog! WOW I am so sorry to hear about your journey in this health burden.. WOW .. I can certainly understand your frustration as well and I really hope that you find some peace around this.

      I will pray for you as well… thank you for connecting with me.

  5. Karen
    This is really big. I know how intense and amazing it is to let the feelings flow in the real life situation that they are coming up in…..around other people. I’m so glad to hear how your husband responded. My husband is like that too.

    I feel that this is a break through into a new level of healing for you including your closest relationships.

    I love what you are doing and wish you the very best on your path.

    Thanks for sharing.

    Wow writing all that in 5 minutes off the top of your head??? I’m no where near that fast at thinking, processing….typing/writing. So amazed.

    1. WOW Gel, your comment just made my heart smile! That breakdown was so hard that it took me a while to come back here and re-read my writing and accept that it was okay to share!

      About writing all that in 5 minutes, I type 120 words per minute, so when I go, I just GO with the flow! lol

      Thank you so much for your comment and reassuring me that writing about it was a step into more healing and its okay to share that even in the hard.

      thank you :)

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