five minute friday {lost}

Many-Paths-To-TakeWelcome to Five Minute Friday to where us bloggers are given a word prompt and write for just 5 minutes simply for the joy of writing.

No editing or backtracking. No need to be perfect. Just words freely flowing from my heart to yours. Set the timer and write away! Stop at the 5 minute mark no matter where you are!

Today’s Five minute Friday word is {LOST}

{Start}

There are moments where I feel completely connected, grounded and here in the moment …. and then there are times where I feel lost, unsure and disconnected from those around me.

When I feel disconnected it feels frustrating, sad, and a lonely place of confusion and unsureness.

When I feel connected, I feel like I can conquer anything in front of me. When I feel connected and grounded I feel worthy and so ready for all that is here no matter how hard! I feel PROUD of myself and that feels GOOD.

I am really trying to figure out the pattern of this and why it happens. What causes the disconnection? why? and when does this happen the most?

I recently told my therapist that when this happens I wish we could grab a hold of it right away and not let it go into a disconnection phase. I wish we could figure it out before it goes into a full blown disconnection of self.

When I get in this place I feel LOST. Not only do I feel lost but everything around me is distorted! I begin to feel that everyone around me is different, or has changed, or that they are the one that is causing me to feel this way; when in real its more about my energy and my disconnection that is doing this.

I have felt disconnected for about a week now – since my mini breakdown last week and I am really working hard to figure out this pattern of what I go through.

Yes there are some things going on in my life that would rightfully so cause me to feel angry, disconnected, frustrated and emotionally challenged.. but I notice this pattern happens a lot between connection and disconnection and I really need to figure out that cause of this and what I can do to slow it down enough so I can understand it more.

I dont like the place I am in right now, and I am just sitting here waiting for the switch to flip and I feel connected and grounded again. I hate the feeling of LOST and I am going to really challenge myself this weekend to write about this pattern and pay attention to all that is going on around me when this happens.

My therapist and I talked about this in session yesterday and he said to me “we will help you figure this out, we will help you get back into connection so that you can feel connected to everyone around you”

That is hopeful for me and I know we will talk about it.. but I think it’s something I need to change inside. I think it has to do with my past and those old messages and feelings creeping up and taking me out of the connection.

When I feel connected.. OH BOY! I feel AMAZING and feel as if I can FIGHT through the trenches and really get grounded to everything around me.. but when I get in this disconnecting phase, it’s heart wrenching for me, because I know what it feels like to feel connected and that contrast just kills me.

I will say this… I am not even close to where I was 7 years ago. 7 years ago I couldn’t even tell the difference of this pattern that happened. I used disconnection as a protection.. today its SO different and that is what I am working hard to continue finding!

This is a part of the healing path… moving myself out of the lost place and into a place of being seen in full connection.

{END}

6 comments

  1. Your story resonates with me Karen. I know what you mean when you talk about the disconnect. Feeling lost. I go through this sometimes on an hourly basis. I’ve never been in therapy. I’ve struggled to figure this stuff out on my own all my life. While our stories are not the same, I want you to know you are not alone. Thanks for your honesty. Don’t forget the One who holds the universe in His hands is holding you too! I’m visiting from FMF. Glad I found you!

    1. YES!!! I so get what you mean when you say “I go through this sometimes on an hourly basis” .. there will be times I feel GREAT and then within moments something feels wrong.. and then I feel good again..

      I know this has a lot to do with my past and abuse I endured as a child.. my life as a child was a moment by moment thing.. I never knew what was going to happen in the next moment.. I just need to continue finding ways to trust that the next moment will be just as good as the moment before.

      Its a battle.. thank you for connecting with me :) I am glad you found me too :)

  2. I love you so and I honor and value your honesty… consistently being real and true to the process and journey that you are walking on! I am praying for you, my friend! I think that disconnect is familiar with most of us to one extent or the other… and I know for me – I was tempted to shrink back into shadows and let it embrace me last night, but the choice is mine and i chose to NOT shy away and distance myself. So much of the battle is in our minds and I applaud you for seeing and recognizing that there is a pattern… a trigger of sorts… praying you are able to see it and find the tools to overcome! Knowing you will, because He is with you and He is all about the Finding and the Saving! :)

    1. awwwww I am sorry you had a tough night last night.. I know exactly what you mean.. its so tempting to just cave in!

      When I disconnect I get very quiet. I wont even pick up my laptop.. but in the quietness believe it or not I am not isolating, I am working on getting out of it, and sometimes we need that quietness to self care the wounds we are dealing with and that is what happened to me.

      I think I am starting to finally move out of it.

      thank you so much for your comment :) so appreciate it and you :)

  3. It’s wonderful to hear that you’re making progress….that there are times you feel as though you can conquer the world. That’s so terrific and in that I rejoice with you. A key for me was the truth that “what you look at the longest becomes the strongest”. I found that much of my negative emotion and feelings of inadequacy began with what my mind was focusing on. I had to remember to forget…forget the things that were behind, as the apostle Paul admonished. I’m with you in the daily press! Blessings to you!

  4. I’m grateful for you for sharing this, Karen. My life seems to follow a similar pattern and, like you, I’m only just becoming aware of it. Until I read this post, I was unsure why I disconnect to such extremes, but I’m guessing much of that lies with the need to protect the vulnerable self. I also think most of that originates in an abusive childhood. Nicely written post.

Please take a moment to comment! I love connecting with others!