When you have lived your life having to be someone else in order to survive, you really dont have a clear focus on who you are, or who you were meant to be. You wonder what is the “core” you; the “authentic” you deep inside under all that was hidden from who you had to be.
In the years of being in therapy (I call it my journey to healing) I have had moments where I see clearly of who I am, and who I am supposed to be, and then I have moments that I lose focus on it through hard and tougher times (we call it sitting down in the middle of the road) if you read my entry below about sitting, it tells you about that process.
I remember this one time in particular telling my therapist “I see the light, I feel my path and the goodness, I see who I was intended to be, it’s time to get up and walk” .. and then through some rough moments, I lost it as quick as it came, and those moments are heart breaking because when you see the sun, you dont want the rain, you know how good it feels, how warm it is, how inviting it is. That is how seeing bits and pieces of me has been in all these years; Getting glances of it, and then it going away – like the picture above.
Getting a vision of your true self can be a blessing and a curse. The blessing being you have that focus, you have that sight of where you want to be, and who you want to become. The curse is, it’s the unfamiliar. It’s a scary thing to walk towards your true self, because you are so used to being the person you had to be to survive, but at the same time, you get that warm feeling inside of yourself thinking – what IF.. is that really whats possible?
I believe that what has helped me in finding my true self is “truth” and “connection”.. you cannot be alone in a process of healing without connection. it’s absolutely impossible! You need someone else there to help guide you when you are in the “in between”; when your focus of your true self is not clear, when the old stuff is coming back forcing you to see the un authentic you.
Connection has been the core of my healing, along with wisdom, faith, support, understanding, care, trust.. all of those things are needed to be around you in order to find your true self, because you are more willing to trust it. Have you ever gone into a dark and scary place, but if you have someone there with you to walk into the dark room, you feel a little safer? You sometimes send that person into the dark room first and go in behind them – that is what connection is in healing; walking into the unknown with someone else.
Just last week I had some very tough moments where I lost focus for a moment and needed to be reminded of where I am, who I am walking towards; to keep me grounded, to be reminded that I am supported, loved and cared for in this process of finding my true self – and when that happens, my light and my vision and path are clear again, and when you feel that, you want to HOLD onto it as tight as you can. Noting feels better than walking towards something that feels possible.
This is what they call the process of healing! Finding your true self through healing, talking, connection, wisdom, support, reaching out, understanding, and trusting the process. Healing is a beautiful thing, it allows you to see the clear and unclear visions of your true SELF . ♥