feeling my emotions
Yesterday when I woke up to get ready for therapy and the day ahead I knew it was going to be a really hard day – I just knew it and felt something really big inside tugging at me!
Emotions were really close to the surface from the moment I woke! Emotions scare me – – emotions make me want to run – – I hate feeling, and being with emotions; especially letting them be seen!
Yes even in therapy, even after 8 1/2 years of working thru my feelings and it still is a huge struggle for me!
When I showed up to therapy I knew from the moment I sat in the waiting room that this was going to be a hard struggle – sitting there waiting I even struggled with and debated on walking out and going home before he came out to get me – which I have never once done in 8 1/2 years of being in therapy.
But I stayed with it, I worked with the struggle in the waiting room and knew in that moment that “connection is found in working through the struggle, not running from the struggle”.
I knew from the moment I sat next to my therapist that the silence I felt wasn’t going to work, swallowing my emotions and feelings was not going to work like it once did, and so I gave in and let them just show up no matter how bad they felt!
My therapist took and held my hand and said “just breathe and let it be here” and when the emotions got big, he hugged me in those tears and told me I am supported, loved and cared for – even in the days I have tears, not just in the days I am strong with all the wisdom I bring and how strong I am.
My therapist knows my struggle with emotions, he has been a witness to this fear for over 8 years now, and he knows no matter how many tears I have shed, it still scares me to the core every time they show up.
The story behind the fear of emotions is so big that its something I still have such a hard time with no matter how many times I reminded that “your tears are SO OK!” – “however you feel is SO welcomed” “you are not alone”.
There is also a part of me that struggles with emotions on a level that “if I am expressing my emotions, if I am having emotions, it’s too much, or I am not being strong enough, or this is a step back instead of seeing it as a step forward.
I feel guilty and ashamed for having emotions, because I was abused into thinking that.
BUT – For the first ever, I just let go of my inner fear and just let the emotions be there, because it was too much work to sit in the silence!
I realized how bad it felt to be silent and disconnected vs letting the emotions be there and let go of that inner fear that holds them. I felt what the sadness felt like, I felt what the tears felt like, for the first time I was able to feel fully and not disconnect from my self or the young part.
I showed up yesterday regardless of how bad it felt inside, because I know deep inside God is along side of me taking those steps with me, and I know I am supported by a wonderful therapist who helps me to see that I am not alone in these big feelings, and my support is there in the connection if I allow the connection to be there.
Never have I FELT my emotions … I have cried many many tears, but never have I felt them or even felt what they meant and why there were there … never have I accepted them to be here.
and another step is made . . . .
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December 18, 2015 at 6:38 PM
I can relate so much to this. Reading this brought tears to my own eyes. I’m going through something very similar, and like you, I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful, empathetic, nurturing therapist–and God by my side, who is pulling all the strings to make our therapeutic relationship the beautiful thing it is.
I have not been able to cry with my therapist yet–because I can’t cry in front of people. But I can cry alone, and it’s always such a wonderful release when it happens. Tears are definitely underrated. They are a gift from God. Crying just means a release of emotion, feeling it and allowing it to move through you is one of the most sacred things you can do.
December 19, 2015 at 8:29 AM
I love your idea of seeing emotions as something sacred.
December 19, 2015 at 8:45 AM
It would be a better world if people could be more authentic and express their tender emotions.
December 19, 2015 at 8:10 PM
Thank you all for your response … I really appreciate the support and connection back . . . and Luckyotter, I am so glad that you have a good therapist as well, and as far as tears showing up in front of others and your therapist, the time will come when you feel open to that.. there is something so big about letting your emotions be seen and witnessed especially by someone who supports your emotions … there comes a healing when you can have a supportive witness to it and I hope you experience that someday in a healthy good supporting way.
Thank you so much for stopping by and reading 🙂
December 19, 2015 at 8:28 AM
Congratulations — you have taken such a big step. I too avoid emotions like the plague and am trying to connect with them. I like lucky otter’s (comment above) view of seeing them as sacred.
December 21, 2015 at 6:12 PM
Congratulations for letting your feeling show in front of your therapist. I myself have this stupid belief that my feeling are God awfully disgusting to let show. Well, heck, let ’em show. I feel like I’m getting down to the core showdown between ‘their’ beliefs instilled in me, and reality. I want the courage to be God awfully disgusting and messy, showing I need love and understanding. Your therapist sounds dynamite. Very truthful.
A friend told me the lotus rises through the mud. That must mean the mud nourishes the blossom. So messy, muddy feelings are nourishing?