I found out some news from the DR last week that shook the foundation of every part of my strength within me! I literally went numb!
I have an autoimmune disease and although its the answer to all that questions 7 months has brought me, it still shocked me to the point of feeling numb!
I have felt numb before, but this was the kind of numb that I have never experienced before!
I finally thawed out from the numbness that the news brought me, and the first thing I thought was “how do I tell my support without feeling as if I am disappointing them or letting them down?”
I then thought to myself “I am not the diagnosis, I just have a diagnosis and I am worthy of talking about this with those who love and care about me. I am worthy of being supported, loved and cared for!”
I was right! I shared with my support and I was met with care, love, support, kind words! My family has been gentle and caring and we have a love that feeds the healing to what is needed. Is it hard? yes, but we are a strong family and that strength is LOVE and nothing beats love.
My therapist told me that his heart hurts around this diagnosis that we have been waiting to find out, but his soul and spirit was confident in the good work we have been doing together – especially the past couple of months, and continue moving in the same direction we have. He reminded me that this doesn’t change anything, if anything he is more proud of me than he has ever been before for leaning in the way I did around this.
It’s not a disease that is life threatening at all, it’s not cancer or anything, but it’s enough to really challenge me strength wise and it explains the pain I have been in and the reasons for all the issues I have been having.
I have a lot of feelings going on inside right now!
I’m sad! I am really sad that I am faced with another challenge in life. I am sad that I work so hard to change my life in a way that is everything BUT what I went through, and I feel I am always having to take another step, another step, just one more step! I am tired of taking steps, how about some rest?
I look back on the past 2 years and 5 months and I am wondering “when will life give me a break?” WHEN?
I have been fighting strong for 2 years and 5 months now. I have been fighting for myself, for my healing, working so hard in trying to separate the past form the now, and really struggling with this isolation I have been in since the hardness started 2 years and 5 months ago! and I feel just when I think I have it by it’s throat and ready to over-come the hardness, the rug is pulled out from under me again.
I am finally feeling as if I have a hold on this isolation and something else comes to the surface that challenges me to go back inward; a diagnosis that would send anyone back into the dark hole of hiding…. but I stop here!
I have realized this weekend that 2 years and 5 months ago and all the things going on with me now is not something of my doing! I am NOT defined by what has been done to me or what I have! I am ME just in an unfortunate situation with an unfortunate diagnosis! This isolation I have been in was due to something that was not my doing; but another unfortunate event done TO me not BY me!
This doesn’t change who I am. I AM STILL Karen the writer, the photographer, the mom, the wife, the friend, the healer, the creative thinker, and most important I am still a child of GOD.
What I have in front of me is a reason to fight! I look back on the past 2 years and 5 months and I say “HAH you lost! I am still here fighting and healing where are you and what are you doing? I know exactly what you are doing, still living the lie!
I look at this diagnosis and I could say “is this all you got? you haven’t seen the fighter in me yet” – “now that I know what you are inside of me trying to take over – watch out!”
I look at this isolation I have been in for 2 years now and I am thinking “enough is enough” I am ready to figure you out and put you to sleep once and for all! I can crawl out of this anytime I want, you don’t have a hold on me any longer, I just need to figure out and heal why I am letting you take over me”. I still have the strength to heal from this and to reach into the past and heal whatever wounds is causing me this “still isolation”. I am ready!
I could sit here and feel sorry for myself but I won’t! I will leave that to those who choose feeling sorry for themselves in a lie – over fighting and healing!
Do I feel sad for myself? absolutely! I have been crying off and on all weekend wondering “do I have enough fight in me?” … I am sad, I am very sad… I want to curl up in a ball and cry and disappear because I am tired and just don’t know if I have it in me to keep fighting… but I have support, love and care! I have an incredible connection to my family, friends and God. I have this little bit of spark in me that is saying “Karen, healing is soooo close, don’t give up yet”.
I have a wonderful therapist who is holding me in support and is helping to guide me through every step of the way! I trust that he will continue to help me with the great work and connection we have been doing thus far.. he is amazing and I am blessed to have him… SO blessed!
I will get through this.. I will be strong again, I will go to the gym and lift weights and get my strength back! I WILL persevere.. but right now, I am sad, and I feel jipped! I feel overwhelmed with so much that I need to to do to heal and to over-come.
So, as I sit here tonight on Sunday, moving into the week.. I will find out from my DR what is needed, what the treatment is, what I need to do to start getting my health and strength back. It will come and go the rest of my life unfortunately, but each time I will carry the strength from the last.
This wont change the person I am, it will only challenge me and my strength each time I am faced with it.
I have read many people who have this who are strong athletes and they have not been stopped and neither will I. It will be hard and tears will be shed .. but I won’t give up! I wont give up physically and I wont give up the emotional healing I have been working so hard on the past year.
The thing I have to learn is that its okay to be sad! its okay to be angry, its okay to have all these feelings and that is what I am working hard on right now! It’s going to take some time, but I trust with support and care, I will be guided to also see that side of this ..
I have to let it be okay that I feel and have feelings about this, and not only this, but all that the past 2 years and 5 months has done to me! healing needs to be done on many levels and I am not giving up this fight, no matter how much the past tells me different.