emotional decisions – another turn
I have learned many times that the path to healing can change at anytime without warning or understanding.
Sometimes the path of change is healing, and sometimes it’s challenging.
Sometimes it’s sad; sometimes it’s filled with goodness and grace.
My path has changed courses many times over the years, but with the amount of support I have around me; the path is never traveled alone – no matter how hard, or dark the path is.
What I have learned in the years of working in my healing is that, I am resilient! I can adapt and go with the flow of the change as fast as it comes. Yes it’s hard at first, but then I catch on quickly and turn the wheel back in the direction I want it to go; in the direction towards me and my healing.
Then there are times, that when the path changes, I am so disappointed and frustrated, that I retreat backwards, and need to be pulled back out to the reminder of where I am.
I have faced some difficult decisions in the past couple of days, and it will change my path. However, it won’t change the strength – or my site on the light towards me.
The past 2 months since January has been about honoring me. I have come so far in my journey. I have seen the light to my path, and I have truly felt the warmth of the light. I have seen my true self.
I am and have been at a place in my healing that I have felt so much power over my past, that I am able to open each wound, and then close it with truth.
When you are on a path like I have been in the past 2 months, you want to keep going! When something comes along and changes that path, you become scared and unsure. You become frustrated and feel as if it’s a step backwards, and yes I am scared that it will take me so far off the path, that it will take so much work to get back – but I have faith.
What I was reminded today is that, if anything, this makes me stronger. It may no feel stronger at first, but it will make me stronger.
My therapist and I talked about this path change today, and both of us are really frustrated that I have to make a decision so hard knowing it will take me into a direction that is hard and painful.
He has seen the light with me. In fact he has held the light guiding me quite a bit in this journey. Sometimes him leading, sometimes I lead. For the past 2 months, I have been leading, and sometimes I have gone way ahead in true excitement to what I see; the path towards me of goodness and peace from the pain I have been in all these years.
This past weekend I came to some news that will change my focus. I am angry, and I am frustrated, but God calls me to do the right thing, and sometimes doing the right thing, leads to more grace and more strength.
When I am led into something hard, I know that no matter what, it will lead me to goodness!
One of the good graces is that, I have the most amazing support! When my light is dim, their light shines me to the way.
During my session today, we talked about the true hardness of this path change. I talked it out through some emotions, and frustrations, and we expressed how hard this will be for me; how it will open a wound, but not one that can easily be healed with truth. It will be a fresh wound, and it’s going to hurt!
Earlier this evening, my therapist called and reminded me “whatever you need, you’ve got it, however that looks, it’s yours”. If I need extra support, it’s here, whatever it is to get me through this “pot holed” path I am coming up to – breathe!
My dear friend Tracy also sat with me today at lunch, and squinted her eyes to the decision and the path I need to make. She knows this is hard, as she herself has walked this path along with me. I hardly ever shed tears in front of Tracy, but my eyes welled up in the words saying “I am sick of honoring others, who honors me?”
I was reminded tonight that I will be lifted through this, and I will look towards my path and see my light again, and maybe it will be brighter driven by my strength.
Just because I cannot see the light at this moment, doesn’t mean it’s not there.
Have you ever looked at the moon while your driving and you lose sight of it, but then you turn the corner slightly and it’s there again? That is what my path looks like right now. It’s there, but I need to make a turn right now, and that turn is a difficult decision; a decision that I know I will get through, but at the moment it’s going to hurt and it’s going to be tough!
So tonight I sit here with knowing the path change, and knowing what is ahead. I also know my strength, and I also know I am going to see light and goodness from this. I know I am supported, loved and cared for by everyone around me.
Tomorrow is another day, I show up and continue to honor the path change and work on my strength to move through it.
I will be OK, I know this because I know me and I trust what is around me. I know somehow this will turn into something God would have me to see through grace.
No matter how hard the path, I am blessed. I know the light is there – its just dim at this moment.