breaking thru the waves of therapy

A lot of people have asked me how I have managed to move through the hardest part of therapy to where I am today 10 years later? My answer has always been “It’s almost like pushing past the hardest parts of the waves in the ocean – to the other side where the calm waters are. I have read so many blogs written by people who are in therapy who struggle with the process of healing, and struggle with feeling worse than actually feeling better! when I see that, I smile and say “yes, but that is normal, and it will get better!” I myself used to be one of those people who really struggled with the process of therapy that it became sometimes unbearable at times. I used to struggle with the times in between therapy sessions much like you all write about today. I used to struggle with feeling as if therapy was making me worse instead of better! I used to struggle with the feelings of wanting to quit and give up therapy many many times! I […]

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This 10 Year Journey

10 years ago I took a step into the beginning of my healing journey – the beginning of finding my voice, the beginning to unfolding the many little pieces of pain and secrets I held onto since I was as little as 5 years old. 10 years ago I took a step into the beginning of finding what safe connection was – what a safe person to talk to was about, and realizing just how important my truth was, and still is. This journey has been about unfolding every piece of a secret kept for years that I held onto – and finding my voice right in the middle of it all. 10 years ago I met this wonderful inspiring wisdom filled person – my therapist Andy – who has taught me that not every connection is a painful one – that my voice matters – and that I am cared enough about to be heard and believed in. My therapist is one kindest – most wisdom filled person I have ever met, and one of the most trusting people […]

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a letter to my past

I cannot stand the way you control my thoughts and feelings! Many times you have protected me, but at the same time you have suffocated me. You have forced me to see things your way; but maybe now I want to see things my way. You turn the words “you are loved” into “whats the catch?” When people say they care and support me, you make me think it’s for a price. When someone says “trust me” you make me second guess – always. When people want to support me, you make it hard to accept, and if I do accept, you fill me with shame, guilt and regret. You never let me have anything, without reminding me of what was behind it. It’s only when I see then, am I allowed to finally see now. You choose what I hear, vs what I need or want. You shut down my emotions before I even have a chance to fully understand them. You make all the decisions in my life, when all I want is the freedom to take those […]

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My Life, Living With 2 O’clock. . .

One of the things that I had promised myself when starting this blog over a year ago was that I was going to open up as much as I could about what it is I go through in this journey called “healing”. My main focus at first was to slowly introduce my thoughts on many different things in life, and then slowly open up about my past, and then move into talking about my healing in therapy, and through connection. In the past month, I have been opening up more and more here in my blog. I have also been reading my blog entries with my therapist in sessions during the week. I read and speak it out to the room! It has truly moved me through a whole different direction in my healing, along with the great work that I do in working with the timeline. I have found that the more and more I am writing, sharing and being with them, the more I am getting to the core of some really hard things that I deal with, and that I feel I can open up […]

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Grieving The Past

One of the things that has been most confusing for me in this healing process, is being told “you are grieving your past” and “you need to grieve the past to heal”. Why would I grieve something that was painful? Why would I grieve something that I wish never happened to me? Why would I grieve something that was so horrific? I have lost someone very very special to me, my Nana. She was one of the only people in my life that truly loved me unconditionally. Losing her I knew what it felt like in that loss. It was sad and heart breaking, because I had that close bond with her, she was the only one I had a close bond with that was safe, and I loved her back just as much… but why would I grieve pain and suffering? When we grieve our past it’s grieving what should have been, or could have been. For me right now I am grieving the mom I never had. I had a mom, but she was not a mom. My […]

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Living Life with PTSD

My entire life, up to this point, I have always thought deep within that “this is the way that I am, this is the way that I have always been, and this is the way that I will always be. For the first time in my life, I can actually say, “this is why I am the way that I am, this is not how it’s always going to be, and the most important part? – “this is not my fault”. I am a victim of child sexual abuse! The first part of healing, is admitting what happened to you as real, and true. You cannot heal from something you do not accept as happened to you. It has taken me 5 years in this journey of healing (therapy) with someone I trust, to help me understand that “this was done TO me, and this is NOT who I am”. I took the step 5 years ago, to go to someone and talk about my story from ME, and release the silence within – and I am thankful that I have that support to go forward in my journey. Living […]

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