awaken by sadness

I am beginning to really believe that things show up for a reason; voices we hear are messages from something bigger than us even if it seems too painful to believe.

I had another one of my “crying wake up spells” at 3am last night! I woke from a dream sobbing and crying and when I came too, I realized just how present the young me was and what she was trying to tell me.

The dream was vivid even down to the smell. I dreamt that I crawled into bed with my mom while she was sleeping and I held onto her begging her to not leave me – “don’t go away!”

When I woke I had this intense fear and sadness inside! It felt very young and very adult like at the same time. I sat there for a half hour just trying to regain my ground back and to plant myself back to the “here and now”. It wasn’t easy because of all the emotions this dream created in me.

I have gone through the day trying to place where and why this dream showed up the way it did… I even shared it with my therapist in our Sunday email exchange today about the dream and how big it felt for me.

My therapist and I have really talked a lot about the young me, and we have been slowly introducing that part into my healing for the past year. I believe a huge part of this dream is about that young part of me being present and the work we are doing to relieve some of the emotions I hold inside for her.

When I have these moments when I wake up crying, I try to tell myself its the little voice I had as a child that never could speak, and now she is showing up through my dreams; a safe place to be seen and heard by me and the healing work I am doing.

When I try to think of it that way, it makes it less scary and maybe a little more inviting knowing its information, not something to hurt me. It is hard to invite something that is so painful, but at the same time, it’s about finding that voice and letting all the stories and pain be heard.

I think in this dream me holding onto my mom was about the fear of losing her because she has been sick all my life. I also think it meant that I am fearful of something, or maybe it was the young me holding onto the adult me begging me to not let her go without being heard?

The interesting thing about this process that happens sometimes is that, when I wake up from the crying, the emotions STOP! I don’t continue to cry. It’s almost like the adult part of me shuts it off, but through my sleep the young part of me took over in the emotions I wont allow myself to have.

I really struggle with emotion even today, even after 7 years of working very hard with emotions. I am fearful of my own emotions and I think they show up in my sleep because I wont let how I feel be present in the here and now. I am beginning to truly believe that the inner child part of me is showing up with those feelings that were never allowed to be felt or heard.

My therapist has shared with me many times that even he has a little boy inside him that has healed over time, and how each one of us has a little part that is either stuck, or has moved on into the adult life as we grow… and it took me a long long time to accept this, and the more I accept it, the more that part of me is showing up.

I still resist it from time to time, and I push away and block my ears to it when it feels too big, but after last night’s wake up and the emotions I felt from that, I am truly embracing the little part inside of me that is suffering and crying out for help. Just typing that out made me sad and tearful – not embarrassed or shameful.

By denying myself of the old emotions from the past it would be like the same silence I was under as a child..  I no longer want to be in that pattern of silence! I want to fight for my words and truth and heal the way SHE and I need to be healed.

I think I am ready more than ever now to take that step. It will be hard and I am sure it will take some time to move through the many thoughts and emotions “she” is holding, but I am ready to take that step more than I have been this whole year.

My therapist is amazingly good at being gentle with the inner young work and healing that part of who I am .. I am ready and I am scared yet excited to see what shows up next, and maybe next time I wake from a dream like this, maybe I can allow myself to honor the emotion that shows up to be felt and heard so that I can heal what is right here, right now!