another step in the knowing

Today is one week since I was hit with that trigger, and I am feeling incredibly blessed to be in a place where I feel healing is taking place on a whole new level.

It’s not often that I have triggers. I am usually a fighter through those kinds of things, and anytime I have the closest of emotions coming on, I fight, work hard, work through, figure out, and heal – but this time was different.

This time, I submitted to the trigger and it was one of the scariest feelings I have ever gone through. I was stuck in the triggered trauma that I shut off internally and I hope to never go through something like that again.

My therapist told me today in session that even though it breaks his heart that I had to go through such a trigger to realize some things that need healing; it’s a blessing that it showed up so that we know how to heal the wounds that bounded me last week while in this trigger.

But, I have to agree with my therapist, something about this trigger gave us vision as to what needs to be healed, and tomorrow we will stick our toes in the water and heal some of the wounds that came screaming to the surface last week.

We are going to try some things that will require some trust, openness, connection to each other. I am a little scared, but I trust the person and the space I have worked with and in for 6  1/2 years now. I trust that this will be another wound opened, and another wound closed with goodness and understanding.

I also have some other good things going on in my life. We are in the process of getting a new home – still in the same town, but a little further north. We are excited and awaiting the news today. I think it’s wonderful, I think it will give me a new set of eyes on things that don’t hold triggers for me, and it’s almost like a fresh start. We have been looking for a while, and I am excited that we finally set our heart on someplace that will be better for our family and in the same town we love.

I have woken up the past 3 mornings now feeling really open, connected and good, and I am so blessed that God has helped me to find my way out of the darkness that this trigger put me through. I can’t even express how grateful I am for a wonderful husband who understands when he doesn’t fully understand but still provides me hope and love everyday. I am SO grateful for my therapist who means so much to me and I love him dearly for the healing path he has walked with me down.

SO later on tonight my therapist is calling me on his way home, and we plan to set up a plan for tomorrow that will be both successful and connecting going into this new part of healing. I am scared yet excited. I am hopeful, yet a little unsure – but that is a balance that can be met with trust and connection if I allow it to.

I look back on my 6 1/2 years of therapy and I look at how far I have come and how much I have healed, and I am sure that this will be another thing I look back on and say “WOW I have overcome and I have more power today than I did yesterday.