another step forward
Ironically, when I left session today and was driving home, I got a phone call that came in, and oddly enough I answered it not knowing who it was. Low and behold (God Willing) it was one of my old personal trainers Brian.
We talked on the phone for a little bit, and I was truthful with him, just as I was in the my blog writing “Truth be Told” .. I told him I have been out of the body building and weight training for a year or so, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to come back.
After talking for a little while, he convinced me to come in and do one training session with him tomorrow just to put my foot in the water, just to get a taste of my old love for the gym – and I ACCEPTED!
I truly believe that God works in mysterious ways! I have not heard from him in months and months.. why would this phone call come on the heels of a huge step forward in admitting to my struggle, and sharing that and being with that and accepting my struggle as OK? I love those little gifts from God that show up and fall into place.
So, When I hung up the phone, I took a deep breath and said, OK, that was the next step – accepting. The hardest step will actually be the strength going forward in showing up in that gym again; the same gym where I worked out 3-4 hours a night with all the trainers and pretty much owned the gym. The same gym where my confidence was sky-high and I felt good about the place I was in physically.
I bought some new gym clothes tonight; some new running pants and work out jacket and of course I have my new sneakers… I am ready to go physically, but we will see how ready I am emotionally tomorrow.
I was reminded today that “I dont have to have it all figured out to move forward” .. I can heal along the way no matter how hard it is taking those steps. I dont have to have what has surfaced from this hardness figured out to make one small step – I can do both.
I have to admit, I am the type of person that once I get that first step forward in the gym – feeling those weights, I almost start running forward with excitement and go crazy at 100mph wanting to soak it all in at once!
– but what I have learned in the many years from my therapist in a gentle way is how to “slow down, and embrace each moment both hard and good” Because that is where the healing is. If I run past something (hard or good), I won’t experience it the way I should, in a healing way to understand it.
My hope is that I share with my therapist tomorrow that I took this huge step forward in the gym with my trainer. I hope I can celebrate that I took that step forward after a year of isolating from it. I didn’t tell him about the phone call yet, and it will be a really good moment.
I honestly cannot wait till I can confidently and emotionally get fully back into the gym. The gym was a huge part of my life for years! I was getting ready to compete in weight lifting competition before I hurt my knee, and before this past hard year happened.. but right now, my focus is the step forward, and a step forward into becoming healthy again too.
This past year my eating has been scarce, and being a personal wellness coach for many years, I know how bad it is to NOT eat and skip meals, because not eating enough is just as bad as over-eating. I have been skipping meals and living off caffeine for the past year, and I need to get myself back to healthy clean eating and physically taking that step forward.
So tomorrow, I am taking another step forward. I will focus, I will breathe, I will know I am supported and connected, and I know that no matter what, it’s still one foot in front of the other – going forward physically and emotionally.
There is this quote I saw on a photo yesterday and I love love love it .. it says
The first step to living the life you want, is leaving the life you don’t want. Taking the first step forward is always the hardest. But then each step forward gets easier and easier. And each step forward gets you closer and closer, until eventually what had once been invisible starts to be visible. And what had once felt impossible, starts to feel possible – Karen Salmansohn
March 21, 2013 at 11:15 PM
Dear Dear Karen – let me say this YOU GO GIRL! even if your foot doesn’t step into the gym in the morning, you still made a step forward, because emotionally you are halfway there to the gym.
You bought sneakers, you bought new sweatpants, you are preparing yourself for success, and yet if you don’t make it there, you have already succeeded by making the small little steps towards the big step.
When I work with clients on taking steps, we allow room not only to go forward, but to go backwards, but to know that the backward step doesn’t take away what you did, but to allow yourself to accept the hardness.
I can’t wait to hear about it either way, if you did it or not. Your support will be proud of you either way, Andy will be proud either way, you should be proud either way.
Give yourself room for both.
March 22, 2013 at 12:57 AM
Hanna! Hanna! Hanna! hehehe you make me smile. I never thought to allow room for forward and backwards.. that is good, and I will keep that in mind.
I didn’t tell Andy about it on purpose in our phone call exchange after session because I didn’t want there to be an expectation on myself to be “great” and “empowered” in my healing work or to make him proud.. I want to do this for ME not the work. So “WHEN” I show up to train at the gym tomorrow, I will share it with him later on in the day and maybe there can be a celebration .. I will also share it with him if I dont and there can also be a celebration that I tried! but right now, this is about ME not the work or anyone else.
Thank you for reminding me that I can make a step forward and backwards and that there is enough room for both .. that just makes so much sense!
trust me, you will hear about it either way, because that is what the “new” me about .. vulnerable, and open no matter how hard the struggle.