allowing myself attachment
I have always been frantically afraid of becoming attached to people.
I was someone who lived inside my own world, taking care of my own needs, no matter how hard it was.
Allowing myself attachment was not a safe thing, I needed to be within myself to survive.
Even though I have a lot of people around me in my life, I don’t allow myself to become attached to them, because to me it means “dependency” and I fear dependency.
I engage in friendships, I have relationships with people, my husband, my children, my church family, my support, but I never allow myself to become attached to anyone – it just isn’t safe for me, and I have struggled with this for a very long time.
Today – going back to therapy after a 12 day break, I walked into session and gave my therapist the biggest hug of connection and I had some tears and emotions.
I allowed myself to miss someone. I don’t normally allow myself to miss anyone, or better yet tell them – it feels too dependent, and the only person I am dependant on is myself.
I was shocked by my reaction – and although I enjoyed the break I had for myself, I missed my therapist and my space of healing! There were smiles from both of us in excitement of reconnection.. and I was surprised by my small tears and the big gigantic hug!
In my confusion, my therapist smiled! I allowed myself to miss someone, and allowed myself to trust myself enough to be attached to someone.
In all the years I have been in therapy and working with Andy, every break was just a break – I show up, I work hard, we have a break, I still work hard, I show up after break, I work hard again – but never have I allowed myself to truly miss someone and the space for me. Before it was – “OK we are back, lets get to work” – today I allowed myself to be with how I felt.
I swallowed hard when my therapist said the word “you have allowed yourself attachment and that is a beautiful thing”.. hearing the word “attachment” was a HUGE risk to accept, but one that I think I can finally allow myself to be with.
The only people in my life I allow myself attachment to are my kids and my husband and of course GOD.. anyone outside of that I have barriers, restrictments and boundaries – but today I allowed myself to cross a boundary, and to allow myself to miss someone, tell them I missed them, have tears and it be OKAY!
I have to say, sitting here now I thought for sure I would be beating myself up over allowing myself to be attached to anyone in a way to where I would miss them, but I am actually OKAY with it. It’s a safe miss, a safe attachment; someone I have been working with for 5 1/2 years.. it’s a beautiful thing, it means I trust more.
It was SO good walking back into my healing space today…. and although I know some things are still hard to work through in my healing, the fact that this break allowed me so much self love and self care for myself, that is a healing thing – and I accepted that someone else missed me as well, and that is also a beautiful thing, accepting is huge thing for me.
I don’t think I will ever lose the small barriers and boundaries I carry around with me, but at least I am allowing myself to step over the line a little sometimes, and better yet, letting someone come over to my side and letting that be OKAY.
August 27, 2012 at 9:05 PM
WOW! what a beautiful thing that is! There is nothing wrong with attachment, and what you have is healthy attachment Karen and yes your therapist is right, that is a beautiful thing! Good for you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable in that emotion. I would have to say this is the most healing movement on your journey, you are there – Hanna
August 27, 2012 at 9:37 PM
Hey Hanna.. Thank you I always love your inspiring words 🙂
August 27, 2012 at 9:14 PM
I love your blog bc I see you grow every time! What a journey you are on! Continue to grow! God Bless!
August 27, 2012 at 9:19 PM
Thank you Joy, that means a lot to me 🙂
August 27, 2012 at 10:47 PM
I agree with Joy, it’s nice to see your journey unfold and to see you taking steps towards wholeness like God intended you to be. It’s nice to see you are allowing connection to others, and allowing yourself to be okay with that.
August 28, 2012 at 8:35 AM
Thank you Gail .. thank you for always being supportive as well .. love ya
August 28, 2012 at 3:21 PM
That is completely awesome! Good for you for taking that step! 🙂
August 28, 2012 at 3:44 PM
Thank you Friend! I always know I have you as a friend.. a good friend 🙂
August 28, 2012 at 3:36 PM
You inspire me to work in my own therapy. To risk connection, to risk being vulnverable and now to challenge my need for healthy attachment. Your insight is amazing and your desire to keep plugging away is so inspiring to me! I’m thakful you have Andy.
August 28, 2012 at 3:46 PM
Lauren! Like I have said time and time again, I am SO PROUD for the healing YOU have been through as well.. you yourself have a wonderful therapist! You tell her I said that!
Yes I am VERY happy to have Andy.. Andy and I have been working so hard in the past couple of months on something so hard, and it has truly shown me the light of the blessings I have been given.. I am so thankful for him everyday being on my side and showing me a safe way to find ME..
I am so glad I can inspire you, that makes my heart smile!
August 28, 2012 at 8:22 PM
This blog made me smile, I am so honored to be one of those people in your life, and I am so glad you found yourself attached in a safe way, that is great Karen!
Much Love – Jo
August 28, 2012 at 10:43 PM
Jo – thank you and you are a good friend to have in my life. Thank you again for your nice comment 🙂