a true forgiveness

July 9, 2013Karen Courcy

forgivenessIt’s always been said that forgiveness is about freeing yourself and not for the other person. That to forgive is letting yourself free from the burden, and putting it on the other person who holds the pain they cause you

I somewhat disagree.

I think it depends on who you are forgiving, and how much of a connection and relationship you have with that person. I truly believe that forgiveness takes 2 sides – to truly heal from it and forgive.

I think forgiveness takes many steps; many important steps to truly move through it not just for yourself, but for the other person.

I think in forgiving someone there is a stage of being heard. Talking about how you feel and why you felt hurt. I think there is also a part where the hearing has to come from the person who is hurt to hear the other person’s side, even if it makes us angry.

The next step is having feelings about it, and allowing yourself to have feelings about it. Talk to the other person about your feelings and let yourself be worthy enough to be heard.

I think worth plays a huge role in forgiveness, because to forgive someone means you care enough about yourself to accept that you were hurt and accept the feelings behind being hurt.

I think another step in forgiveness is an apology from the other person and how sincere that is. I think it truly takes accepting and worthiness of self to truly hear and accept an apology.

And then there is the repair between 2 people and how to build a stronger foundation for the relationship you care about.

I recently went through many steps of forgiving someone and it took some time. It took a lot of prayer, a lot of being heard, a lot of anger and sadness, more prayer, and I finally went to God and truly asked him to help me forgive someone I care very much about, and I heard God and I truly found the worthiness in my heart to forgive this person.

I knew I forgave because of how I felt about myself, and how it made me feel then reflected onto the person I care about and made me feel warm-hearted and a true forgiveness is made.

It doesn’t mean I forget, or I may not still have feelings about it. I think a true forgiveness is also about allowing each other the room to open it up and talk about it anytime IN that forgiveness.

Then you have the people in your life who hurt you so badly that there is no forgiveness. When I hear people say “you need to forgive the abusers of your past for you” .. I don’t believe in that. It doesn’t relieve me or make me feel free to forgive what was done to me, because there is no receptiveness on the other side.

If the people my past are truly are not sorry for what happened to me, I don’t feel like forgiveness free’s me, what does free me is finding the worth in myself to heal from it. Finding the worth to connect with people who “DO” love me and talk about it.

I think instead of forgiving those who are not sorry, instead giving myself room to heal the way I need to heal.

I find freedom in talking, writing, and connecting with those who do love me and support me, THAT is my freedom.

Yes the bible does say that God forgives us and we should forgive also, but I also think God understands our anger. Anger is NOT poison, anger is a right emotion for how I FEEL for what was done to me.

I do not forgive those who abused me, because they cannot find the worthiness in their heart to care enough to engage in a true forgiveness from me, and that is painful.

I find my freedom from them by doing the very thing I was deemed against doing my whole life and that is “talking about it” .. that is my form of forgiving. Giving myself permission to heal through speaking, being, connecting.

So I truly believe deep inside that there are different kinds of forgiveness , and sometimes there are people who hurt so much, that there is no repairing, because that takes 2 and I will not subject myself to anymore pain by begging someone for an apology who can’t see their wrong doing.

I choose to heal for ME and until that day comes when my abusers come to me and say “I am truly sorry”.. I am here to heal me and that is all I need.

I chose to forgive someone this past weekend who I am very close to, and because it was done with real care, a true apology, room to talk and be heard, and the knowing that I can talk about it anytime – THAT is true forgiveness and I feel it in my heart for me and the other person.

I think some may disagree and some may agree, but this is how I feel. I will never find freedom in forgiving those who hurt me that don’t care enough about my worth to say “I am sorry” .. that is their sin, not mine to hold. I choose to heal and work hard everyday to over-come the hardship this created in my life.


  • myownership

    July 10, 2013 at 9:05 AM

    I agree with you…true forgiveness is a process that the individual must earn. But we also have to be open to give those we care about a chance to be forgiven and to begin a dialogue of that process. That’s the hard part, because that’s when we choose to become vulnerable. It’s a huge struggle for me.

    1. KarenBeth

      July 10, 2013 at 3:18 PM

      Thank you … forgiveness is one of the most difficult actions anyone can take when hurt… it’s truly courageous on many levels!

  • Gel

    July 10, 2013 at 10:00 AM

    I pretty much agree with what you are saying here about forgiveness. For myself, the hard part is going the through the feelings of pain and anger. I know I’ve used anger and resentment as a protective wall. But it usually feels like a dead end inside myself. I respect having a wall to protect myself, though.

    I think there is an idea out there that you “should” forgive and somehow let the abuser back into your heart….that that is the more advanced enlightened thing to do…..as if you could simply choose to push a button in yourself and feel all warm and open to the one who hurt you. It doesn’t work that way in me…and for a while I felt like I was doing something wrong.

    Then I found an article about forgiveness a couple months ago that really helped me see the process for forgiveness that I can do to get the healing for myself around being violated by others. (I wrote about it at my blog on May 29th).

    I also have found that there is a lot of variety in how I process the hurt that appears to be caused by someone else….a lot of variety in how long it takes and how I work on it. I think it takes willingness and finding a pace of healing that is OK for you. It’s not to be rushed.

    Thanks for sharing your insights. It seems like you’ve done a lot of work on this topic and you sound clear and strong in what your truth is.

    1. KarenBeth

      July 10, 2013 at 3:26 PM

      Hi Gel …. you know, like I was saying above, forgiveness is one of the most DIFFICULT actions anyone can take when hurt. it’s a place that seems unfair in the pain.

      I think forgiveness takes time. It took me months to come to a forgiveness to this person I am referring to in the beginning of my blog, but this person is worth the forgiveness because this person is truly open, and let me be heard, and I heard him, and there was a progress of work together.

      however, the people who abused me, they are not sorry for that they have done, in fact they are narcissistic and have no emotions whats-so-ever for the wrong doing, and I cannot find forgiveness in that, I just can’t.. it’s about me and my healing and for me the forgiveness is found in my ability to speak for my healing!

      it’s a tough one… VERY hard but yet courageous when found

  • Stacy

    July 10, 2013 at 8:41 PM

    I’m sitting here trying to formulate a reply, because even though I’m sure it’s not completely directed at me, I feel like there’s at least some of it that you wanted me to hear! 😉 I do understand your position and I agree that forgiveness is a process, and that anger is an emotion that can be healthy. And I do know that you are are angry about the way your childhood was stolen and I think that is completely justified. (And I don’t mean that to sound like I’m giving you permission or something!! Cause I realize it sounded a little self righteous.. :P) However, when I say that there needs to be forgiveness, I’m not saying it has to be immediate, I’m not saying it won’t be a struggle and I’m DEFINITELY not saying they deserve it. Because truthfully, they don’t. What I am saying is that forgiveness needs to be part of your healing. When you have finally found Karen and realized what a beautiful soul she is, forgiving them is the process of letting go of the hurt. Why hold it? Once you’ve found you, do you need it? I would like to think no! Forgiving someone is really the process of releasing your anger toward them – and at some point, you need to. Do you really want to be angry at them all for the rest of your life? Because that gives them more importance in your life than they deserve. I understand that you need the anger now to get through the healing, and in all reality, since you spent so long suppressing it, the anger is probably a blessing. It gives you the strength to stand up and face the pain and the grief. And you earned it! And you’re right, there’s nothing wrong with it. But once it’s served it’s purpose, you need to dump it. Because if you carry all that anger for no reason, it will just make you bitter. And you deserve better than that! You are a beautiful person, with a beautiful soul and you deserve happiness and blessings in your life. Finding a way to forgive (ie, ditch) all the anger from your past is for you – not for them. Hope that makes sense! Love you!

    1. KarenBeth

      July 10, 2013 at 9:14 PM

      Hey Stacy ,

      I agree with you on many many things … and maybe I will see that at some point in my healing… and maybe I am not there yet. Maybe the pain is too fresh as I am healing, and maybe that is a road I will come to later on, but right now, I truly feel peace in forgiving a person who is worthy of forgiving.

      I think for me I find peace and a “letting go” of anger through talking, through connecting, through prayer, through empowerment of self. I just feel that forgiveness is not empowering enough for me, because to some degree IT IS about them, and this is not about them, this is about me.

      I just went through a forgiveness process with someone who I truly feels deserves and is worthy of forgiveness and it took time, but worth the time because there was an equal caring for, and I was heard. My brothers are narcissistic and dont care about anyone they hurt, the only thing I can give them is the power of VOICE that I have that I use everyday telling my story. For me that is my form of forgiveness. If I was to forgive anyone first it would be myself for holding the anger and not directing it in the right place it deserved to place towards and not inward towards myself.

      Maybe my mind will change later on when I emerge more out of the pain, I dont know, but for now I pray about it, and I work hard to use the tools I do have and those are the tools that “were” stolen from me as a child and that is “love, emotions, a voice, connection, prayer, and the right to be who I want to be”.

      I get what you are saying, and you make good points, I am just not there yet, and if I dont get there, I am sure God understands and he will know I found forgiveness through healing myself.

Please take a moment to comment! I love connecting with others!

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