a sense of peace . . .
I sat in session today and knew from the moment I walked into the room, that the timeline was going to wait another day.
I also felt that something will come out of it. It was almost as if God was saying “not yet, you need to know something, you need to be with something and understand something first”.
We again, both sat and read my blog that I wrote that night before (grieving the past), and when sitting with that, and reading it outloud, unexpectedly, I started to cry, and cry and cry. I was grieving, and I was grieving in front of someone that knows my story, and in the very room and space that has heard everything! It was different, it was different because my blog about grieving was so filled with truth, that I felt it in wholeness.
I wasn’t just grieving the past through reading my blog outloud, I was literally grieving what I had written. I kept saying “my mom is still in bed sleeping, she will always be in bed sleeping”.. and I truly felt the sadness I wrote last night. I truly am grieving, and I feel every inch of it!
I was reminded “just let the tears be here, be with the emotions”, and I had support next to me, and for the first time, even though I have had many many tears in this room, I did not want to run. I did not want to run because the shame is gone, and this is how I truly feel! I felt as if I was throwing up feelings that I wanted to have as a child, but was never allowed to let them out.
As I sat there with all these emotions, thinking about my mom and all that I was grieving – I looked straight towards the corner of the room, and all of a sudden, I had this small smile that I felt come over me. I had this feeling of cool air, refreshing smell, and a feeling of peace that came over me. I felt like the air was thinner to breathe, I felt this calm come over me like I could shut my eyes and just fall into a peaceful sleep if I could.
I was asked in that moment “what was the smile? tell me what your feeling in this very moment” and I said “peace, I feel peace”.
Calmness is not something I ever experience with emotion, or after emotion. I usually go into a tailspin of anxiety when emotions come on, but I felt this feeling inside as if the grieving was allowing me not only to feel the emotions, but also to feel some sense of relief.
I was able to stay present with my emotions, and not only stay present, but to allow someone to sit by my side, and really hear me talk about it, without shame. I wasn’t ashamed.. yes I was feeling so much hurt inside, but I wasn’t scared like I have been in the past 5 years.
I have never felt emotions like this before (shameless emotions), and I will probably feel it deeper and deeper as I get back into the timeline, but the thing is, I am not as scared as I once was, because I felt that peace come over me.
I looked over and said out-loud “I am going to get through this, I am going to find a way to beat this, I refuse to live another 40 years of being in this abusive life of survival, and all he could say is “I know you will get through this, because I know you”.
I looked over at my timeline book, and knew at that moment that I am finally ready. I had a preview of how hard it was going to be getting back into the book and honoring my story from me, but I also had a preview of what is possible and that is “a sense of peace”.
So God did have something to say.. he wanted me to see that even in the hardest moments, and even though it’s going to be really hard moving through this for me, there will be that sense of peace, and that is GOD, there, with me in that moment. I think he wanted to tell me something today, and I am glad I listened.
I will tell the story from me, I will honor the story from me, and I will with no shame.
I also know I am going to get through this because I have the most amazing people in my life. I also had tears today because we also read the comments below my blog from last night.. comments from people who support me, and are always on my side. God has truly blessed me.
Tomorrow…. my timeline awaits.. and I’m ready!
February 16, 2012 at 10:53 AM
Karen, what a great blog entry.. honoring peace as well as hardness? I know this is hard, and you are right, you DO have alot of love around you. I am so glad you can see that peace some come in this as well.. I hope you have more moments like that
February 16, 2012 at 10:55 AM
Karen, I love the way your blog flows, and how smooth it is. When I read your blog it’s like you leave me wanting to know more, and that is a good quality in a writer. I have definitely bookmarked your blog, I cannot wait for the next. You have opened my own eyes to things in my life, so thank you.