a letter to my past

I cannot stand the way you control my thoughts and feelings!

Many times you have protected me, but at the same time you have suffocated me.

You have forced me to see things your way; but maybe now I want to see things my way.

You turn the words “you are loved” into “whats the catch?” When people say they care and support me, you make me think it’s for a price. When someone says “trust me” you make me second guess – always.

When people want to support me, you make it hard to accept, and if I do accept, you fill me with shame, guilt and regret.

You never let me have anything, without reminding me of what was behind it. It’s only when I see then, am I allowed to finally see now.

You choose what I hear, vs what I need or want. You shut down my emotions before I even have a chance to fully understand them.

You make all the decisions in my life, when all I want is the freedom to take those chances myself; without the what if, and or buts.

When I want to reach out to people in hard times, you make me feel dependent or needy. You make me believe that the only person I can depend on is myself, and sometimes that becomes too overwhelming.

No matter where I turn, you are there – right there! every minute of the day, every moment I shut my eyes, even when I sleep.

You remind me of the pain, the abandonment, the disappointments, the betrayal, the fear, the sadness and the hate!

You don’t allow me to accept anything; therefor I go without, sitting in the sadness of a deep want and need that you won’t let me have.

You make me believe that the only safe place to be is in your beliefs – which is the lies and the pain.

what about what I want?

Maybe I want to reach out for a hug and see what it feels like without numbing myself. Maybe for once I would like to get a hug without being forced to believe it’s for the other person, and not possibly for me.

maybe I want to trust the people I love without you making me think twice.

Maybe I want to reach out whenever I want to just because, without feeling an ounce of guilt, or there having to be a reason.

Maybe I want to be with my emotions without you reminding of the fear. maybe I just want to be me, without you being there at all.

Maybe I want to accept all the love, care and support around me, without feeling as if I have to do something in return.

You are a blessing and a curse. You hold me back from experiencing many things in life that I feel i deserve.

I realize you are there to protect me, but you also keep me from going forward towards the people I want to trust, and the safe things in life.

Everyday you control my thoughts and feelings, and maybe today I want to control my own thoughts and feelings.

Maybe it’s okay to cry? did you ever think about that?

Maybe it’s ok to be angry? what could possibly be the harm in that? don’t you think I have the right to angry after all this time?

Maybe its okay to accept, maybe it’s okay to just BE, maybe it’s ok to feel a hug, maybe I need to feel a hug.

I cannot stand the way you keep me from the things in life I could possibly enjoy, and how will I ever know if I am constantly behind your walls?

You force me to pull me away from the people I want to be with because you make me believe that being alone is the only safe option.

You wont allow me to trust the people I want to trust – not everyone is out to hurt me you know!

Although you have kept me safe at times, it’s time for me to take control over you now. No matter how much time that takes, I will find a way to accept, reach out, have emotions, trust, and be the way I want to be, think the way I want to think, and feel the way I want to feel.

It’s not easy living with you inside of me. It’s painful and it’s hard, and I have to find a way to talk you out of me!

And although you may never completely go away, I can surely push you aside.

Today I will accept, I will have emotions, I will walk towards, I will talk about, I will allow myself to be loved, and I will connect without you telling me that I can’t or it’s not safe.

Yes it may be scary, and yes it may be hard, but let me decide if it’s a risk I want to take, because after-all, it’s my life – right here, right now.

So maybe you are still here, and maybe at times you will be needed, and I am sure I will fall short and lean back on you in scary times… but right now, I am bigger than you are, and you are nothing but something that just stands in the way.

I want to go forward –  by my choice, not yours.

– A letter to my past.

9 comments

  1. My dear dear Karen! I dont even know what to say. I wish I could print this up and hand it to all my clients.

    You have faced your past in this letter. You have taken a stand and said “I do not want you to control my life anymore”.

    You have made the first step into realizing that what you feel is your past, and you want to feel different. That is a huge step towards owning that past.

    You should use this to talk about it. Maybe this will allow you to talk about those re-surfaced emotions you have inside Karen? maybe you needed to let the past know that you are in charge, which means “I WILL TALK ABOUT YOU” without you getting in the way.

    This is a beautiful letter, and I had tears flowing.

    You have been through so much pain in your life Karen, and you are finally allowing yourself to understand that pain, and not let it own you.

    BIG HUGS FROM HANNA!

    1. Hanna… thank you so much! I appreciate you and all that you have helped me through as well.. your comment made me smile!

      It was one of the hardest things I have ever written. It took me 2 days, and alot of pausing and stopping, and walking away from until I finally got the words out!

      Thank you for being a part of my journey

      Karen

  2. Karen~
    Wow, I’m so proud of you, friend! I know this was a painful letter to write but this is SOOO powerful! This letter is what I think anyone can read and COMPLETELY relate too! So, I hope you know your not alone in your feelings. I SO get this! One of the key sentences that stand out to me is, “but let me decide if it’s a risk I want to take.” You’ve had a lot of choices made for you and now this will be different. It will be fun and scary but YOU will be doing what YOU want and that’s where you get the VICTORY, right? (I’m so preaching to me too!)
    I know this about you; you have wisdom, discernment and a relationship with God. Those 3 things will help you as you begin to take new risks.
    Karen, your an inspiration to me! Thank you for risking your heart and sharing your pain with us in this writing tonight!

    I’m blessed to have you in my life!

    Much love & a BIG hug,

    Lauren

    1. Lauren.. when I wrote this, I had a feeling you would know how this felt, that is why I texted you and said ”

      I am about to write something big”.

      Thank you for appreciating my writing and my thoughts, and I am so glad to have you as a friend…

      I love you girl

  3. I love the idea of confronting your past as something standing in front of you. Someone whom you could speak to.

    I love to look back on these types of posts, and think of how far I’ve come- and from this, it looks as if you have come quite far as well. A life well lived is a good thing. Congratulations on not being beholden to this past, any longer.

  4. This is beautiful. We are often so affected by our past that we’re not living in the present. You addressed this so well here that I feel inspired to write a letter myself. Thank you for being so honest and sharing.

    Traci

  5. What a beautiful post, Karen! Thank you for reposting it today (May 14, 2015) for Throwback Thursday. You opened your heart – your feelings – your past – to write this letter to your past…and to take your future and yourself into your own hands!

    Thank you, Karen, for sharing your heart!

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