a day of grace and goodness

1471146_672531822787801_1161462672_nI woke up yesterday and decided “today is going to be different” “today I am going to fight for a sliver of the old me” and so it was, and I did feel a part of the old me shining thru.

I went out and got a cup of my favorite coffee (photo of me on left). I then decided I was going to take each moment one step at a time and go to church for 9:30am confession.

As I drove to my church, I kept saying to myself “no thinking behind, no thinking forward, only focus on right now”.

I haven’t stepped foot in my church in over 8 months. I was nervous and shaky; worried that at any moment I was going to turn the car around and make it into another month I haven’t stepped foot in my church – but I didn’t.

I got to church and walked through the front doors and immediately I felt at home. All my worries and anxiety’s swept away at the sound of the mass going on and the familiar scent of the church.

I stood there in line for confession as I watched the remaining 9am mass come to a close. Father Paul was doing the Mass assisted by Deacon Bill. It was nice seeing familiar faces to ease the anxiety trying to build up inside of me.

Mass was over and the priests made their way to the confessional booths, and I texted by therapist really quick telling him where I was and that I was in line for confession at church. His response back was pure excitement as he knows how much this has been a painful struggle for me making my way back to something I truly love after the hard year I have gone through.

I got up to the confessional and I cried, and cried, and cried as I sat there in front of Father Paul. He smiled because he is the one I talked to about why I was struggling to come back to church, he was just happy to see me 8 months later making my way back to where I belong.

Confession ended with a “welcome home” from Father Paul and sent me off to do my penance of 5 “our father” prayers.

I went into the sanctuary and kneeled on the pew and did my penance and just sat there for a moment taking in what I have missed in 8 months. Nothing had changed in the church except for me. I felt different, like there was a different version of me showing up to the church this time.

I know there is healing to be done, but something about healing while being most connected is different and I lost that part of me this year.

The next step is making it to 11am mass this morning. The 11am mass is the mass I went to every single Sunday since I became Catholic. I sit in the same seat, at the same mass every Sunday. Everyone knows me and where I sit because I never changed my routine in church.

As I sit here this morning I am making my way to get ready for Church. I am nervous that something will pull me away and not allow me to show up like what the past 8 months have been for me – but I am going to just take this moment and apply it to the next and see where it leads me just like yesterday.

Confession was the easy part, going to Mass being in the presence of all those who don’t understand where I have been is the challenge.

Finding the worthiness to show up is the part I have had the toughest time with for months and months, and I hope and pray that God will guide me there today and bring me the same goodness and grace that he gave me yesterday.

Yesterday was a day of goodness and grace, and my hope is that today will be a reflection of just that.

5 comments

  1. I’ve always thought confession, in the catholic church, was one of the smartest things. I believe it is a part of the human ‘blueprint’ to need to release and cleanse on the spiritual level….(or the heart level). Even if it isn’t part of a religion I think it is helpful – possibly necessary – to acknowledge those things that would block us up, and to do it with another person who is fit to be a good witness. So it is a good thing to hear that you got to go to confession. I know that was a big step to go back and it marks progress.

    I was thinking that going to a therapist and talking about stuff that we hold inside might also serve this purpose….but I’m not sure it’s the same.

    I have worked through the 12 steps in AA with a sponsor and doing a moral inventory, admitting the wrongs and making amends is a big part of those steps. Needless to say that can be a very difficult process. But I think once you make a practice of it, and clear out the big stuff, then it becomes very healing and you almost look forward to the relief it gives and the strength it provides.

    I know how important church is for you Karen so I’m glad to hear that you are taking steps back toward it. I don’t know yet if you did go to Mass this morning, but if you didn’t I hope you will only see that you are making progress towards going back and not feel too down on yourself. It was a big big step to go to confession and I celebrate your accomplishment.

    Sending love and beaming joy!!!

    1. Hi Gel,

      Many people would say “why confess your sins to a priest, its about being sorry to God” .. what people don’t realize it, confessing your sins to a priest is about holding yourself accountable to another person in front of God for the wrong doing you hold inside on a deeper level. I think it takes a lot of courage to sit in front of a priest and tell him your deepest sins.

      Confession is deeper than therapy, because in therapy you are talking about things that happened to you, or things that emotionally hurt deep deep within, suffering …. confession is about being vulnerable and honest about your sins, YOUR sins; something you wouldn’t even tell your own spouse in some aspects. being open to a priest in the presence of God is an honorable thing.

      I did go to the 11am mass .. I took the steps and did it!

      Thank you Gel :) I appreciate your nice comment and support through this process

  2. Thanks a big step, going to confession. I hope that helped, ‘lift’ some of the weight you may ‘carry.’ I’m not Catholic, myself , although I do go to church, which I’ve not been the past 3 months, thanks for inspiring me to go. I always feel better after , I’m taking some time out, to help with my sleeping. Thanks for sharing, as you work towards healing and recovery. .
    Love Ziggy

Please take a moment to comment! I love connecting with others!