a day of connection . . .

When I saw this photo, I was immediately drawn to how “connecting” it looks and feels. I have had it for a while and waited to use it for a time like today.

Today was about connection, connection to God, connection to my support, connection to family, and connection with myself of all things.

I had one of those moments today in church where I felt god really spoke to me. I felt my heart was more open to the homily today. I felt my heart was open to the word and what it meant, and how it pertains to my healing today.

When I left church, I sat in the car in the parking lot for quite a while. I then decided “I am going to reach out to my support and connect, instead of my support reaching out to me”. I reached out to many people actually.

I sat there and contemplated as I am usually the one who sits back and waits for others to connect with me, it almost feels as if it’s a permission to reach back out if someone reaches out to me first… but today was different. I felt God was telling me “you’re worth connecting with everyone today, no strings attached”.

While sitting in the car, I texted my therapist and said “God is great, I am reaching out, connecting, and I am worth it”.

Hitting send on that one was a bit to swallow; I think it had something to do with the words (I am worth it).

He came back with something along the lines of “YEAH now THAT is an accomplishment and a celebration, God is true, connection is good, and connection is right, glad you reached out to connect”.

It did feel good and right. I have been working on connection for a long long time. Some moments are easier to connect to than others, and today it just felt right to just reach out to others.

I went to church early and opened up to talk to some great friends… gave hugs and connected with others.

I recently have connected with one of my Brothers on face book (my step brother) not one of the ones who abused me. He didn’t even live with us and I never really connected fully with him due to how the family was.

Today I emailed him and connected about how I feel I have to put myself aside to what is going on, and how hard this is. I mentioned how we need to pull together as a family through this surgery my mom is having.

I also explained to him about not wanting to “face the others” again when I go up there in May before moms surgery. Believe it or not, as much as my step brother doesn’t know “the whole entire story about the abuse”… he got it and heard me. I felt like someone was on my side in the family.

I as well, recently opened myself up to connect with my mom a little more in the past month. I have put aside the anger and I feel I am doing Gods honor by opening up to my mom in need at a crucial time.

My mom is even on Facebook now, and I have to admit, I panicked at first! “What if she reads my whole blog, what if she reads something that may hurt her feelings even though I have confronted her about how I feel and about the abuse that happened to me?”

I wanted to immediately revert back to old ways and hide – put the blog on private to only those I invite, but I talked it through with my therapist and decided No! I am not going to do that!

I made it known to my mom that this is my turn to heal – my voice – my pain – my connection to myself through what I have been through in my childhood – no more lies – nothing but truth. I have confronted her before about the past; she knows I am open about it – no more hiding.

Whether she reads my blog or not, like my therapist said “it’s others responsibility for what they read, you keep being YOU and be TRUE in your writing and healing”.

– AND at the same time, I also know that there are some I can’t connect to; like some of those who abused me that have no remorse today for what they did. That kind of connection is NOT there yet. Maybe someday it will come, but not right now.

Today was about connection, and also at the same time, I am having a hard time right now. It’s been a long time since I have been in this place of hardness. I am going through a lot of emotions and today I felt connected to that more than anything. I really was in tuned to what is going on – what I want to do, and how I want to move through all this.

I said to my therapist today “tomorrow I show up and we do what we do best. Stop, look around, check in, connect, and see where I am at in this very moment on this path towards me; how to honor both so I can be relieved of some of this“.

While I was in church hearing God in my heart, I came to the realization that I don’t need to put myself aside while honoring others. I thought to myself, “wait a minute, I am in control of this, I have the power to move through this however feels comfortable for me”.

I can honor my path to healing and honor others. It will take some work because there is a tension for both sides. It’s not fair for me to sit and hold everything inside while I honor others, I have done that my whole life, and in the past couple of days I am realizing “this is not working, this doesn’t make me feel good”.

Friday before leaving session I picked up my “timeline” book and turned to the last page of where I left off and the date was February 21st! That is over a MONTH! We were both taken back by that.

I have put myself aside for others for a month – not only just for what is going on with my mom being sick, but other things I am not comfortable talking about right now. It has been a whirlwind and I am ready to get off this ride and start walking on my path again.

I have learned so much about connection in the past years, and because of that, today I was able to connect with many people and many things inside, and mostly hear God and his wisdom.

God gave me some strength today to see that I don’t have to sit around and wait for others to connect with me, it’s there right in front of me whenever I need it – just honor it and remember “I am worth it”.

Tomorrow, I show up and connect! I figure out how to honor both so I can move through this for me, while at the same time honoring what I need to honor.

Connection is a beautiful thing when I accept it and fully embrace it.