a bitter sweet moment

tumblr_mlk4ujwLk21ry8cqso1_1280Mother’s Day is approaching and I look to this moment as bitter-sweet.

Last year at this time I was checked into the hospital with heart issues caused by the pain medicine I was put on that became a quick addiction.

Instead of celebrating a day of being a mom to my teen boys, I was in a hospital bed getting treatment and detoxing from these horrible meds that could have taken over my life and my underlying heart condition.

My husband and boys came to the hospital and brought me beautiful gifts and showered me with love as they normally would, but instead of it being a celebrating moment together, I was in pain going through some really difficult times due to a situation that this put on me months before.

This year however it’s different. This year I am home, This year I am healthier – but there are still some deep wounds that still lay underneath that surfaced that I continue to work hard to heal.

Mother’s Day has always been a hard day for me, it’s always been bitter-sweet.

I love being a mom, and I have the best kids I could ever ask for, but when I look back to my own mom, it hasn’t been easy and It’s painful to even write about.

Mother’s Day is hard because my mom has been bed-ridden for 17 something years or even more (I lost count). It’s hard not having a mom by my side when I need her. It’s hard not having a mom to do things with. It’s hard not having a mom to help me move through the many hard things that a mom’s love could heal in a split second.

My mom has been sick almost my whole life. You would think I would be used to it by now, but it still hurts.

Some of my biggest hardest most painful emotions have come in therapy talking about the “need” and the “want” in having a mom.

Healing and talking about that part of my life (not having a mom here for me) have been some of the hardest wounds to heal; so much that to this day, those wounds are still not completely healed, especially on a holiday that represents what this day holds.

So instead I turn around and I use that hurt to be the best mom I can be to my boys.

The sweet part in this holiday this weekend is that I get to celebrate being around my boys knowing I am there for them, and they are here for me.

Last year was hard because it reminded me so much of what I saw on a day-to-day basis in my own mom (being sick), and I didn’t want my kids to see that or be subjected to that. So this year, being on a whole new level of healthy, I am happy I get to celebrate a day to where I am and can be the best mom to them I can be – and that is OH so sweet!

last year I remember my boys and my husband taking a walk around the hospital halls and my boys were being the typical teens they are, having fun taking photos, and no matter what, no matter how sick I was coming off the meds and getting my heart better, they STILL knew I loved them; almost like nothing was different, even given the circumstances, and I am glad that my love can give them that assurance that no matter what I am going through – I will always be there for them, no matter what I am going through.

This year we are planning a big breakfast and going for a Sunday drive to the mountains together. This year things are different on so many levels.

This year I have control over what took over me last year, and this year I am open to support, love and care by all those around me instead of turning to pain meds when it got too hard to take.

This year my therapist as he puts it is “leaned in and by my side” and is here for me to support me.

This year I am stronger.

This year I am not in the hospital.

This year I blessed more than I was last year and I am thankful that God and my support helped me to get to this better place.

I know there is healing ahead, and I know the road and path I am back on wont always be the easiest and there will be stumbling blocks along the way, but the bitter-sweet part to this is : although I don’t have a mom to be here for me when things hurt, I still have the love I can give to my boys, and know they love me unconditionally back.

I am still on a road to healing the many things that surfaced along the way of this past hard year, but the sweet part is, I am not where I was last year, I moved out and away from the things that hurt me on so many levels, and I am loved, supported, cared for – like my husband, my boys, my friends, my wonderful therapist, and of course always GOD.

it’s amazing on how something that can be so painful, can be so sweet if we choose to look to the brighter side.

Happy Mothers Day to all those who celebrate it this year, and I hope that you find your sweet moment this year like I am.

My 3 boys last Mothers Day ..  Ryan (16) Chris (21) and Nathan (14)

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4 comments

  1. I pray you have a wonderful day with your teens, and your husband and that all the ‘bad’ years and memories become a dim memory. Grasp your healing. Get up and go. Say to yourself “I can do this” and go. Take pictures. Hug them. laugh with them show them a ‘new’ photo and memory of MOM. You can change the story.

    1. Awwww Thank you Sharon :) I will for sure and just writing this blog alone was bitter sweet.. painful yet healing.

  2. How wonderful to see a photo of your boys!
    Thanks for sharing that.

    I can see how it would be a bitter sweet Mothers day for you. I know how hard it’s been for you and I understand how when you have a really bad experience it gets imprinted on surrounding events/people/places etc. So It’s so great that this year Mothers day is completely different. You can re-establish new wonderfull-ness in connection with your family and the place in health that you are at NOW.

    I’m really happy for you.

    Your post makes me aware of the void I have around Mothers day. I’m not a mom myself and I had several different mother figures in my childhood. Mostly mom’s weren’t there for me in any meaningful healthy way. They were scary, even dangerous people that I had to figure out how to just survive around to avoid injury as much as possible. The idea of those moms having loving nurturing energy is hard to imagine. That was just normal for me. And so I don’t even feel a longing for ‘mother’….I don’t long for something I didn’t have and was only hurt by….WOW that sounds so sad. Yet I don’t feel much. I’m embarrassed to even write this…it’s just flowing out. I will leave it here. I know you are OK with real stuff. I should probably work on this in therapy.

    Thanks for giving me the opportunity to realize some important stuff.

    I hope you have a great Mothers Day with your wonderful family.

    1. Gel … Thank you for your comment … and it’s ok what you realize with others writings.. I think that is why I write, it’s to connect with others.

      I was just on the phone with my sister and we talk about “mom” always being in bed… it’s hard it really is. There was a moment when she wasn’t in bed and we had some good times, but this is the life we know.

      I notice that I am in a point in my life where I need a mom. I would love to have a mom come over my house and just cuddle me and make my problems going away, but I am never going to have that. I had to be a mom to myself my whole life and for some reason I really need a mom .. it’s something I have to accept and just live through my own kids and give them what they need.

      Thank you for your comment :)

Please take a moment to comment! I love connecting with others!