For years now, I have been in and out of the process of writing my book. I was so close to making it happen a couple of years ago; even got myself a publisher. The moment I began writing, I got triggered and began struggling to move through the process of writing about the past.
Recalling memories from my past were too painful to write about, I thought I was ready with already years of work with my therapist talking about my past – but something was missing and I wasn’t ready yet.
I decided to put it aside and work with my therapist on “inner child work” – – you have seen me write about accepting that I have an inner stuck child within and we have worked really hard on that the past year. its been hard work, but good work.
I began really trusting the memories without feeling I was actually back in those moments to the point of being able to talk about it without getting lost or disconnecting. Sometimes its still hard, but I believe I am ready to take this step.
When I got the denial letter for the retreat it hit me really hard, but I truly believe this was Gods way of saying “your ready for something bigger” . .so I thought about it and decided to take another chance at writing my book – sharing my story on a bigger level. I asked my therapist in session yesterday if he would help me and the young part walk along side this story to start writing and his response was nothing short of supportive, caring and compassionate. His words were “I would be honored to take this step with you in our work” ..
So even though just last week I didn’t believe in “when one door closes another one opens” – today I believe that the money I would have spent on this retreat in February, is just what I need to make this bigger step happen.
“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”- Brene’ Brown
I may not be able to be with a bunch of people on a retreat to talk about my story, or to hear amazing wisdom from other poets and writers, but I can take the step into making my story happen, by using my voice to write this book of my past.
As many of you know, I have already chosen the name and the cover of the book, it’s the inside that is the hardest – and I am ready to this step.
The name of my book will be “Alone in the Closet” ..
So it begins, again – one door closed but another door is open to this journey of writing about my past – writing my story so that I can connect with others to show them that life can happen afrer abuse. You can heal from childhood sexual abuse, and you do have a voice to be spoken!
Its a big step, it’s a vulnerable step, but a step I know I am ready to finally take. I couldn’t do it without the support of my husband, my family and of course this healing journey and my therapist who has walked ths journey with me for over 10 years now. I am blessed!
So – as I write this today – I truly believe that when one door closes, God is awaiting with another door open. Take that step through.