31 Days of Finding My Voice (Day 2)- Rejection
I wasn’t sure I was going to write about this or not, but this 31 days of “Finding My Voice” is about just that – speaking and writing about the things I wouldn’t usually use my voice to speak.
What could be harder than rejection? Telling others you were rejected! It’s that feeling of embarrassment and shame. It’s allowing others to see that you were not accepted, or chosen – like putting a spotlight on something people possibly can’t see and allowing them to see it.
Like some of you know, I applied to go on a retreat, and you had to answer some pretty hard questions, and those questions were vulnerable and raw! I wanted to be a part of this significant and big retreat not just for the retreat itself, but to be a part of in this place and space in my journey right now.
I waited and waited to find out if I was one of the chosen to be sent an invitation … they promised us an answer by the 15th of September, and then they pushed it to the 29th as they had an overwhelming amount of people apply. I waited and looked at my email every time it chimed! I wanted this more than anything.
I spend a good couple of sessions talking about it in therapy with my therapist, and he knew just how important this retreat would have been to me. I opened myself up to him about just WHY this meant so much to me and how I felt about it. He got it .. he is one of the people who gets it, and understands just what this meant to me. Applying for this retreat felt like a huge part of my journey – it was a big damn deal as my therapist would put it 🙂 – – – and it was.
I found out Friday that I was NOT one of the people chosen to go on this retreat. Some may see it as significant odds (350 selected out of the 3700 people who applied). Some people may say “maybe the next one” or some may say “it wasn’t about you and who you are”! Well for ME, putting myself out there to apply for this retreat was a HUGE step for me. Letting myself be seen in the answers to the hard questions they asked, and allowing myself to be vulnerable to the rejection that may happen?
I took it a lot harder than I thought I would! I thought I was prepared for it! I prayed about it! I kept telling myself and the inner child within me “if I don’t get chosen, it’s not about my worth, I am a good person deserving of this!”
All those positive thoughts got washed away when I read the denial email that kindly said, “it’s with our heavy heart to say” and “maybe next year” or “but please know you are on our waiting list” – The generic email sent to all the people who didn’t get it!
I cried for what seemed like forever! That old familiar feeling as a little child running to my room as fast as I could to get to a safe space to cry being unseen! It felt all too familiar with my past!
All those positive words I swore I would feel washed away in that moment of rejection! I felt hurt! It wasn’t just about the retreat! It wasn’t just about what the retreat was for! It was about being chosen for allowing myself to be vulnerable to the questions asked on the form! It was about someone choosing me and saying “this woman is deserving of this space and or “she is good enough to be a part of this retreat!”.
It FELT horrible. Then came letting others know that “I was not chosen”, which felt even worse! What will others think?
My therapist, of course, was nothing short of supportive, caring, and had open arms, heart, eyes, and ears to how I felt. His first response was “THEY made a HUGE mistake!” HE gets the story and the wounds this hurt comes from, and I so appreciate him for that.
My friends and family love me to the ends of the earth to know that this did hurt – but some people don’t understand why it hurt so much.
So what do I do with these heavy feelings? Well, I do what I always do … OVERCOME! I move thru it and find ways to rise above!
My therapist wants me to honor my feelings and continue talking about it because this is too important not to talk about! I just want to run past it, but something tells me he is right. I need to show the young part and myself that I don’t need to shove my feelings away. This is how I feel, and I am worthy of talking about it.
I have to say, writing about this tonight feels pretty raw and vulnerable … something I would never do before is to write about rejection! But maybe this is the first step in healing, and showing the inner self that it’s OK to feel and it’s ok to be sad and hurt without consequences.
October 2, 2017 at 10:58 PM
Bless you for sharing x
October 3, 2017 at 5:33 AM
Rejected is my earthly middle name! Accepted by the King of kings though! Seated in high places!!!
grace to survive
October 3, 2017 at 7:04 AM
Sometimes not getting what we think we want so badly works out better than if we had. It wasn’t meant to be because something more suited to you is on its way.
October 3, 2017 at 1:36 PM
Maybe you were supposed to go through the process. You filled out the hard questions, and put yourself out there! Would you have done that earlier this year? I don’t see it as rejection darling. I see it as you tried your best, and it wasn’t the right time. More is coming your way. xx
October 4, 2017 at 2:15 AM
I’m sorry that you didn’t get chosen for this retreat. I understand the hurt you must be feeling. Well done on sharing that here with us, even though it must have been so hard. You’re a strong, brave soul. 🙂
October 4, 2017 at 11:21 PM
Your therapist is right: they did make a big mistake! You are doing deep work, and you were ready for this, and you could have offered a lot to the others who will be attending. It’s a loss for you, and it is a loss for others.
I think you are very brave to write about this. I also tend to hide my disappointments, losses and rejections, too afraid to let people see that vulnerable part of myself, the part that dared to hope for something and then wasn’t chosen. It’s very, very hard to acknowledge that part, much less write about it publicly. But as you probably know, Brene Brown writes that shame doesn’t hold up well to the light. When we shine a light on it and share it with those we can trust, it starts to evaporate. Instead, the disappointment and rejection become part of the shared experience of being human, of suffering from wishes unfulfilled.
I hope that the comments you read back on this courageous email will provide you some comfort, as you realize we’ve all felt like this. It sucks, and it’s hard, and I’m sorry for that. And I think you are awesome.