31 Days {Days 25, 26 & 27} stuck in a rut

maryoliverI have been stuck in an emotional rut for the past 48 hours, and it’s been hard to move out of it.

It’s not often that I get disconnected. Through the years of working in therapy I have really learned how to stay connected, even in the hardest of struggles.

But then there are times when I get caught in an emotional rut and disconnection finds its way through me.

The past 48 hours have been one of those times, and it’s frustrating not being able to pull out of it.

It began with an anxiety attack I had in he middle of the night last night – calling for my husband to help me out of it! That is always a true sure sign, something big is going on inside.

Little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own” – Mary Oliver

When I struggle in these ruts, I notice it right away when I stop interacting in the things I love to interact in, like “chatting with online friends” or “being a part of” “I don’t touch my computer” “I get really tired and sleepy and want to be left alone’.

Today, I went to Target and as I was shopping I began crying in the isles of  the store… tears showed up and I couldn’t stop crying – as people looked at me. I tried pulling out of it as I wiped the tears away, and the more I wiped, the more they flowed!

I managed to pull thru it and get home only to have more tears!

What is going on?????

My therapist always tells, especially at the end of sessions “if you need to lean in, all the ways of leaning in are here for you, you are supported”

if I lean in, it means I am struggling, and tonight I leaned in with an email – “having a really hard time”

This is where I am learning to not let disconnection take me under, rather let the connection shed light on the darkness of the struggle… I did just that by leaning in  and telling my therapist exactly what was going on, and it was met back with support.

His response assured me of support and prayer in session tomorrow morning – beginning with a prayer.

Sometimes leaning in to connection is not about making something go  away or feeling better, but more about just being heard in the place I am in, giving me the power of healing self a connecting to self.

In the past I would do almost ANYTHING to feel better and be connected – WANTING it to go AWAY! But as I sit in patience with learning more about what is here and why. I have learned to talk about it using my voice as my guide to talk about it, and trusting that connection will be found in “talking about it” rather than trying to fix it as quick as I can by making the feelings go away!

So as I sit here tonight, I am feeling a bit more connected now that I put my feelings out to my support, but it’s not fixed and I don’t expect it to be. I will pray through it tonight, I will ask God to help me through this tough emotional rut I have been in for the past 48-hours, and just lean on the trust that through connection, support and talking about it tomorrow morning, connection to-self will come back, and I will understand a little more of where this struggle is coming from.

That is my hope!

These ruts of disconnection used to last weeks before ..now that I have learned to work with them, they are far and in between and don’t last long – but when they do hit, it’s painfully hard!

So as I write this blog for 3 days that i missed because of the rut, I will connect with my true words and feelings and find connection thru my truth here as well in my journey to healing.

Patience in he process…  trust …. leaning on those who support = connection back to self.

5 comments

  1. Oh Karen! I am so sorry to hear you have had a rough 48 hours…how could I have known?? You have truly been on my mind; and I had an emotional bout this morning myself when my daughter called. I’ve been having those more often lately, stressing over things at home; mostly finances and dealing with my husband. But, I have missed chatting with you and wondered – truly – if everything was OK…

    Thank you for sharing your heart in today’s post – catching up with 3 days worth!! Praying you have a better night; a great session tomorrow; and the rest of the week will be much better for you!!

    <3

    1. Barbara… as usual, you have the right words to say …

      that is the sure way to tell something is wrong with me, if you don’t me on facebook writing, interacting, or being really quiet.. because when I get this way, I get VERY quiet and don’t touch my laptop. I am still working through the hard disconnect I feel, but I am moving through it slowly :) thank you for being a good friend.

  2. Hi Karen I’m new to your site and withdraw from everything and everyone at times. So I am praying for you right now to get restful sleep tonight and to feel better tomorrow knowing God loves you and we all do too.

  3. This post just gave me the encouragement I needed. I have to remind myself that it is ok to be disconnected, I just can’t live there. Just like you for the past two weeks I have been crying everytime the winds blows……I’m having difficulty breathing and I thought it was weather change and asthma. Something in my spirit tells me it’s anxiety. When I sit and relax, and talk to a friend or something relaxing then I am well. My thoughts wonder and my breathing gets difficult, then I panic about that and it is just a cycle. I’m praying you feel better but it’s good to know I’m not alone. I want us both to get better. These feelings can often make you feel isolated. Thanks for being brave enough to share, xoxo Vita

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