31 Days {Day 4} 🌸 unprocessed feelings

04a505de591a679e278ff93c5e814c86Tonight my sister and I had a conversation that hit us both hard, but it was a conversation that we needed to have – talking about the night my mom passed away and how that effected us.

I think when someone close to us passes away, we are so caught up in the hype of being supportive to family and going through the process of that death, that we never process the feelings and emotions that go along with the loss.

I wasn’t there when my mom passed away this past January. I live down in Georgia, and my family lives in NH, and the night she passed away, I wasn’t able to have that moment with her like everyone else did.

I asked my sister to tell me the details of what happened that night, and hearing the story was harder to hear than I thought, and it hit my sister all over again too as tears filled the phone call.

I think it’s something that her and I needed to re-visit, but it left a whole in my heart tonight. I told my husband how I felt really depressed tonight, but maybe its not being depressed but more so processing feelings that needed to be processed.

My mom was sick for a long long time, and I always knew the day would come, and my sister and I both thought we were ready for this day as we prepared for it for so so long.. but nothing can really prepare you for losing a mother.

My moms death has hit me a lot harder than I am letting on. I think I haveΒ  a lot of un-processed feelings that I have yet to process and its something I am going to have to talk to Andy my therapist about.

I think there is something here that needs to be healed, I’m just not sure what that is yet. There is a void and that void is taking over something else in my life and I need to find out what that is.

I am still numb from my mom’s death and its been 8 months … this phone call my sister and I had really woke me up to the void that is here and to the possibility of healing that could really change what is going on deep inside.

4 comments

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss. It must’ve been hard that you couldn’t be there with your Mom when she passed away. Revisiting the events of her passing with your sister has hopefully been a healing experience.

    1. Hi Astrid … It’s funny because I was just telling my husband that I wish they had a category on the 31 days for mental health because j write about healing and therapy and my journey to heal… So I went to health and wellness category and I saw your button there and then saw that you just responded to my blog :) … That’s what I call connection. I think it’s great you talk and write about mental illness .. More people need to write about it.

  2. It really is hard to not be there for the death of a loved one; and so much more when it’s a parent…we were there many years ago for my father; in fact, he “hung on” until my brother, who was then in Columbus, GA, could get there to see him before he let go…once he arrived, and they had their visit, he was ready to go…of course, we were not!

    When my mom passed, it was similar to what you experienced in that I was not there with her just before she passed. I can truly say I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! And, 8 months is nothing, my friend! Allow yourself the time you need, whether it’s to process the whole “whatever” or just grieving however you need to, or for however long you need to!

    You are in my heart and prayers, Karen, as you work through these feelings during this 31 days…I am proud of you for FIVE days!! That is FIVE days that you have written on your blog!!! {{HUGS}}

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