31 Days { Day 19 } ???? balancing truth and grace

grace-and-truth-8x8-insert3dMy struggle has always been about choosing between truth and grace.

Do I talk about my anger? express my anger? express my true feelings? talk about how I really feel, or do I lead with grace for the protection of others and sometimes the protection of self?

It’s a constant battle between using my voice in truth, and or living in silence out of fear!

I grew up believing that my anger was wrong, my feelings didn’t matter, I wasn’t allowed to talk about anything, I was silenced and because I grew up with that belief, I always put grace before my truth, grace before my anger or my feelings.

Always seeing the good in anyone even if there was no good to see. Always seeing the brighter side to a situation even if it was dark – forcing myself to see that bit of light – no matter how much anger festered up inside of me.

Today I do the same thing! I always find a way to see grace before truth, but there is a small part of me that is beginning to see the consequences of not allowing myself truth before grace, and how anger seeps thru the many cracks grace leaves open!

Is it possible to have both? is it possible to find grace in anger; to find grace in my true feelings of how I really feel? Is it possible to speak how I feel, and the grace being a part of that truth?

Today in session I felt my anger seeping through that grace of trying to see positive side of something, and just how ANGRY I am about many things! Ears burning, face feeling flush with anger, and yet I didn’t want to let that grace go …

Maybe I don’t have to let go of that grace!

Maybe the truth of my feelings IS the grace! Because God would never want me to be short of who I truly am or how I feel, he would never want me to hurt inside for the sake of others. I don’t believe God woks that way

There isn’t much grace in swallowing my feelings just to see the good in everything and everyone … that kind of grace hurts me, and takes me out and away from who I am, and who I am meant to be.

I am ANGRY and I have a lot of anger inside!

it’s a hard process, because all I have ever known is swallowing my feelings to save grace; to not allow my truth in fear of hurting others. It’s hard to be with anger, and speak anger, because of the harsh consequences I faced my whole life around my feelings, around anger, around hate! I wasn’t even allowed to use the word HATE!

I found Grace in everything; not allowing myself to be how I felt, or express those feelings out of great fear! so grace won! Grace, light and goodness in others always took precedence over my true self – fear won!

It scares me to speak truth of how I really feel, or to express anger I hold, and yet I am noticing that when I do speak truth and talk about my feelings, there is a grace that finds me – right in the middle of fear!

7 comments

  1. Grace will always always win, Karen! Speak your feelings; speak truth…it if “freeing” for you to do so! The Grace WILL find its way out of what you have suffered, and what you speak.

    Proud of you for sharing yourself in these posts! Keep on letting the Grace shine through!

    1. as always Barbara, thank you for your support, love and care! Its so hard to put feelings and anger out there, its a fear I will never be able to explain, but I also know how it feels to hold those feelings as it begins to eat at my every bit of grace I do have in me! I am working hard through it every day!

      Thank you for reading and thank you for being such a good friend! your a blessing!

  2. Let it out. Don’t let it fester. I let it almost all out. I do have a very detailed journal of things that cannot be posted on my blog, but I don’t hold much back because I like to help others with the same problems that feel they are different.

    1. Hi Tessa …. that is great that you have a journal that you keep to yourself .. that is always helpful on your own personal journey …. thank you for taking time to read and connect to my blog and writing :)

  3. Hi Karen Beth, Thank you so much for this post of yours. It makes me feel so much less alone in my own struggles with this collision of truth and grace. I’m finally choosing to speak the truth more these days, following Scriptures’ lead , but it’s a painful journey, as I’m coming to grips with deep loss, as I discover that not everyone is ready to accept me as I am.

    1. Hi Anna …. thank you so much for visiting my blog :) I am glad that this post helped you.. that is why I write and love connecting with others ….

      Good for you for choosing to speak your truth through the healing … I look forward to reading more of your blog :)

Please take a moment to comment! I love connecting with others!