Do I talk about my anger? express my anger? express my true feelings? talk about how I really feel, or do I lead with grace for the protection of others and sometimes the protection of self?
It’s a constant battle between using my voice in truth, and or living in silence out of fear!
I grew up believing that my anger was wrong, my feelings didn’t matter, I wasn’t allowed to talk about anything, I was silenced and because I grew up with that belief, I always put grace before my truth, grace before my anger or my feelings.
Always seeing the good in anyone even if there was no good to see. Always seeing the brighter side to a situation even if it was dark – forcing myself to see that bit of light – no matter how much anger festered up inside of me.
Today I do the same thing! I always find a way to see grace before truth, but there is a small part of me that is beginning to see the consequences of not allowing myself truth before grace, and how anger seeps thru the many cracks grace leaves open!
Is it possible to have both? is it possible to find grace in anger; to find grace in my true feelings of how I really feel? Is it possible to speak how I feel, and the grace being a part of that truth?
Today in session I felt my anger seeping through that grace of trying to see positive side of something, and just how ANGRY I am about many things! Ears burning, face feeling flush with anger, and yet I didn’t want to let that grace go …
Maybe I don’t have to let go of that grace!
Maybe the truth of my feelings IS the grace! Because God would never want me to be short of who I truly am or how I feel, he would never want me to hurt inside for the sake of others. I don’t believe God woks that way
There isn’t much grace in swallowing my feelings just to see the good in everything and everyone … that kind of grace hurts me, and takes me out and away from who I am, and who I am meant to be.
I am ANGRY and I have a lot of anger inside!
it’s a hard process, because all I have ever known is swallowing my feelings to save grace; to not allow my truth in fear of hurting others. It’s hard to be with anger, and speak anger, because of the harsh consequences I faced my whole life around my feelings, around anger, around hate! I wasn’t even allowed to use the word HATE!
I found Grace in everything; not allowing myself to be how I felt, or express those feelings out of great fear! so grace won! Grace, light and goodness in others always took precedence over my true self – fear won!
It scares me to speak truth of how I really feel, or to express anger I hold, and yet I am noticing that when I do speak truth and talk about my feelings, there is a grace that finds me – right in the middle of fear!