21 years ago – a beautiful distraction

21 Years ago I became a mom for the first time! It was planned – by me. I can’t say my husband quite knew about the surprise, but I knew from the very moment I found out I was pregnant that this was love; a love I didn’t know too much about.

It’s hard to believe my son is 21 years old today. I had him when I was 19 years old, my husband was 20. We were young, but happy. Poor but rich with love. Unexperienced  but soon to be taught.

I lived in a house of abuse and anger. I knew from the moment I was young that I wanted to be a mom and make a life for my children that I wanted as a child.

I wanted to know what true love was. I wanted to know what it was like to be a mom to a child and give them all the things that were so hard for me to ask for as a child.

I didn’t want to live through my children, I wanted to love and give love. I wanted to give them a life with no fear (that was in my control at least), and if they did have fear, I wanted to be there to comfort those fears.

I would also have to say that having children at a young age was a good distraction from the truth I held inside. It was a way to push my energy into something else instead of being with what was really going on deep inside of me. It was a way to distract me from the pain I held, and a way to put out what I was missing in my life.

Having Christopher was a challenge at a young age, but it was a good challenge, because all the love I had to give outweighed all that I sacrificed at a young age.

I didn’t party, or have many friends. I didn’t go on trips or go to college. I didn’t have a lot of the things a 18/19 year old had, I was a mom and that is what I wanted.

I now have 3 sons – Chris (21), Ryan (16 almost 17) and Nathan (14) and a husband of 22 years this year.

I love this photo I chose of Christopher because it’s him and his personality. he is amazing, he is smart and always has to know how something works. He was the child that asked a million questions – “how does this work” “why” “what now?” “where are we going?” …. all the questions that I as a child never had an answer to and it makes me happy that i can provide him with whatever it is he needs and wants to know without any consequence.

I LOVE being a mom, and at the same time it’s time to take care of me. it’s time to know that I have done a good job, my boys are getting older, and it’s time to turn that love I distracted myself from and turn it towards me.

I look at this day and this photo and it reminds me of how much I want to become something better for them. It has been a hard hard year for me and  I want nothing more than to fight hard so that I can continue to be the best mom I can be without having to feel I have to give out, to receive.

Maybe a part of the bitter-sweet moment I am having today is knowing that the love I have for them is complete  and it’s time to work on me and love myself enough to heal and accept that I am worthy of that. I worked hard to be a mom, and I gave up everything for them, and it’s time to give a little up for myself.

So today we celebrate Christopher’s 21st birthday. We will go out and eat with the family and friends. I will share him with a surprise I got him, but the true gift here is love and care which doesn’t have a price tag, it’s free – something I never had free.

I cant believe I have a 21 year old .. better yet, I cant believe I have 3 boys and they are amazing!!

here is one of my favorite photos of Chris when he was a baby – HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY CHRIS! I LOVE YOU!!

Here is a photo of Christopher when he was 6 months old … my favorite photo of him

Here is my favorite photo of me and Chris together .. I have always loved this photo of us