21 years ago – a beautiful distraction

1017096_594603457247305_675355755_n21 Years ago I became a mom for the first time! It was planned – by me. I can’t say my husband quite knew about the surprise, but I knew from the very moment I found out I was pregnant that this was love; a love I didn’t know too much about.

It’s hard to believe my son is 21 years old today. I had him when I was 19 years old, my husband was 20. We were young, but happy. Poor but rich with love. Unexperienced  but soon to be taught.

I lived in a house of abuse and anger. I knew from the moment I was young that I wanted to be a mom and make a life for my children that I wanted as a child.

I wanted to know what true love was. I wanted to know what it was like to be a mom to a child and give them all the things that were so hard for me to ask for as a child.

I didn’t want to live through my children, I wanted to love and give love. I wanted to give them a life with no fear (that was in my control at least), and if they did have fear, I wanted to be there to comfort those fears.

I would also have to say that having children at a young age was a good distraction from the truth I held inside. It was a way to push my energy into something else instead of being with what was really going on deep inside of me. It was a way to distract me from the pain I held, and a way to put out what I was missing in my life.

Having Christopher was a challenge at a young age, but it was a good challenge, because all the love I had to give outweighed all that I sacrificed at a young age.

I didn’t party, or have many friends. I didn’t go on trips or go to college. I didn’t have a lot of the things a 18/19 year old had, I was a mom and that is what I wanted.

I now have 3 sons – Chris (21), Ryan (16 almost 17) and Nathan (14) and a husband of 22 years this year.

I love this photo I chose of Christopher because it’s him and his personality. he is amazing, he is smart and always has to know how something works. He was the child that asked a million questions – “how does this work” “why” “what now?” “where are we going?” …. all the questions that I as a child never had an answer to and it makes me happy that i can provide him with whatever it is he needs and wants to know without any consequence.

I LOVE being a mom, and at the same time it’s time to take care of me. it’s time to know that I have done a good job, my boys are getting older, and it’s time to turn that love I distracted myself from and turn it towards me.

I look at this day and this photo and it reminds me of how much I want to become something better for them. It has been a hard hard year for me and  I want nothing more than to fight hard so that I can continue to be the best mom I can be without having to feel I have to give out, to receive.

Maybe a part of the bitter-sweet moment I am having today is knowing that the love I have for them is complete  and it’s time to work on me and love myself enough to heal and accept that I am worthy of that. I worked hard to be a mom, and I gave up everything for them, and it’s time to give a little up for myself.

So today we celebrate Christopher’s 21st birthday. We will go out and eat with the family and friends. I will share him with a surprise I got him, but the true gift here is love and care which doesn’t have a price tag, it’s free – something I never had free.

I cant believe I have a 21 year old .. better yet, I cant believe I have 3 boys and they are amazing!!

here is one of my favorite photos of Chris when he was a baby – HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY CHRIS! I LOVE YOU!!

Here is a photo of Christopher when he was 6 months old … my favorite photo of him

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Here is my favorite photo of me and Chris together .. I have always loved this photo of us

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6 comments

  1. Karen! WOW, what a handsome man he is! He looks like his mama! I can see the love in the photo of the 2 of you.

    I love this blog writing because you are taking something you worked so hard on, and that is being a mom, and you are turning the focus and love towards yourself to heal this past year.

    I know Karen that this has been a tough year for you, and I bet this day brings a bitter-sweet moment because at the age of 21, there is a letting go, not of the love, but of the distraction Karen. You have done a good job of being a mom, but it’s time to heal what is going on inside of you, because that also deserves love and a distraction.

    I love the freshness of this blog, love the photos and you are a good mom Karen. A wonderful woman and a wonderful mom

    Blessings,
    Hanna

    1. Hanna …. I cant even tell you how hard this year has been and how much it has effected my life and my way of being even around my own children. I know it’s time for me to do something for me.. and I am trying SO HARD… I know I need to heal what is going on inside, and I think I am getting closer.. that is my hope…

      Thank you for your nice comment Hanna.. it means a lot to me

  2. Wonderful photo especially the last one, I was amazed that his name was the same as my son’s… Christopher, means “Christ bearer” and also Christopher Robin of winnie the pooh was a favorite of mine at the time.
    We share similar stories. Only my son is 38 and I am 58. I had him when I was 20 married at age 18 a month from being 19. I told him when I turn 60 and he turns 40 we are going out for a nice dinner, he is paying for it and I will cry. (don’t mind being 60 just feels weird to have an almost 40 year old son)
    Good job in your continuing to get better, it is for them, we heal and change the path we once knew.

    1. Thank you Sharon …. it’s funny because a lot of people call Christopher “Christopher Robin” … too funny

      yeah I love the photo too …. truly my favorite!

      Thank you for reading and your comment today….

  3. This is golden!
    Thanks for sharing photos of your son and you, and a bit more about your life with your kids.

    I don’t have children. So I can’t really know what it’s like. I was really struck with you saying you gave up everything for them. It seems like you did so well at motherhood. (and still do). I’m glad you are seeing that you can now “give up everything yourself”. That you are worth it. I bet your son’s think so.

    Your writing keeps getting better. You Shine.

    1. GEL (HUGS) you make me smile …. thank you!

      Motherhood was SO EASY which makes me hurt even more that I was not worth the same effort.. TRULY hurts my heart …

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