Grace found in Rigidity

Since I was as little as five years old, I have been stuck in the mindset of how to survive; trapped in the routines of how to move through each day feeling safe under fear. Even as the adult, the mom, and the wife I am today, I am continually living behind the rigidity of my day-to-day to keep myself safe from anything that could harm me. But when does rigidity get in the way of grace? When does the safety of rigidity as I know it, get in the way of living, and being the person who God created me to be? Rigidity gets in the way of Grace when love, care, and support is only accepted when it falls in the strict boundaries and lines I have created around me my whole life. What I realize more and more now is, It sucks to be trapped in the rigidity of routines that promise me safety and connection – and yet I see just how much grace I am missing out on. Friday morning in session, when I was […]

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breaking thru the waves of therapy

A lot of people have asked me how I have managed to move through the hardest part of therapy to where I am today 10 years later? My answer has always been “It’s almost like pushing past the hardest parts of the waves in the ocean – to the other side where the calm waters are. I have read so many blogs written by people who are in therapy who struggle with the process of healing, and struggle with feeling worse than actually feeling better! when I see that, I smile and say “yes, but that is normal, and it will get better!” I myself used to be one of those people who really struggled with the process of therapy that it became sometimes unbearable at times. I used to struggle with the times in between therapy sessions much like you all write about today. I used to struggle with feeling as if therapy was making me worse instead of better! I used to struggle with the feelings of wanting to quit and give up therapy many many times! I […]

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healing me forward

The past couple of months have been filled with movement and healing in ways that I have not felt healing and movement before in all the 10+ years I have been in therapy with my therapist. Friday in session, my therapist and I were reflecting just how much the past couple of months have changed so much for me in the way of “healing”, “understanding”, and more so trusting the “young part” in me to take bigger steps on this journey I have been on for over 10 years now. Healing is not a destination or a place to arrive. Healing is not something you see, but rather something you feel deep within. There is this quote that I saw that helped me to write this blog today and the quote reads: “Healing doesn’t change you, it reveals you“ That is what this past couple of months have been for me – revealing moments that I can connect to – revealing images of my past that help me to come closer to the young parts voice that has laid dormant […]

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This 10 Year Journey

10 years ago I took a step into the beginning of my healing journey – the beginning of finding my voice, the beginning to unfolding the many little pieces of pain and secrets I held onto since I was as little as 5 years old. 10 years ago I took a step into the beginning of finding what safe connection was – what a safe person to talk to was about, and realizing just how important my truth was, and still is. This journey has been about unfolding every piece of a secret kept for years that I held onto – and finding my voice right in the middle of it all. 10 years ago I met this wonderful inspiring wisdom filled person – my therapist Andy – who has taught me that not every connection is a painful one – that my voice matters – and that I am cared enough about to be heard and believed in. My therapist is one kindest – most wisdom filled person I have ever met, and one of the most trusting people […]

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therapy helped me find my true self

When I began therapy almost 10 years ago, I was scared! I was vulnerable, I was unsure of what the process would be. I was afraid to let someone else into the part of my life I had locked up deep within for a very long time. But I took that step 10 years ago, and I took that step because it was something I needed to do for me – for that scared locked up little girl inside that never had a voice to speak without consequences. I was told by “other people of my past” that going to therapy wasn’t going to help – that all therapy was about was paying someone to listen to my problems, and that talking about my past would be digging myself a hole I would never be able to get out of. I was even told that I would be abandoned in the process, and if I took this step, no one would be there for me if I came back. I was told that once I took that step into therapy, […]

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learning to “heal” my inner child

“Your wounded inner child will never be healed by something from the outside but only by yourself, your own power and wisdom” I have struggled for many years to even accept that I had an inner child. I struggled with the thought that the little girl I was still remains struck inside of me – wanting to be healed, loved and connected to. I feared that if I accepted that part of me, that it would mean I was mentally ill, or I would be more damaged than I thought I would. I was afraid that I would be looked at weird by even mentioning “my inner child”. It was a while back ago in therapy that my therapist shared with me that even he has an inner child – we all have an inner child. For some people their inner child is stuck in place – wounded – scared – filled with old messages that never allows the adult to grow in certain ways. I have accepted and come to really embrace the inner child within – to learn […]

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continue; making my way back

As I sit here writing, putting words to this blog, it feels weird as I haven’t written in so long – – but at the same time it feels familiar. I took a backseat to my writing and many other things this past year, but the one thing I didn’t take a backseat to was my healing, and continuing to fight and put one foot in front of the other. For the past year or so, I went through emotional and physical isolation, I pushed away my writing, I pushed away people who I was once close to, I pushed away things that really defined who I was. I pushed away out of fear – – but what I have learned the most these past couple of months is, those things I pushed away and backed away from, never went away – that my writing, and those people who love and care for me are right here waiting as I continue to take steps forward and out. My therapist and I have worked so incredibly hard this past year, and […]

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Tuesday at Ten {FEEL}

Welcome to Tuesday at Ten! The Tuesday blog Link up where you have 6 full days to use the “prompt Word or Prompt phrase” as a part of your writing. Each week I post a prompt word or phrase and you finish the phrase and or write about the word chosen. write how that word or phrase fits you and your life or your thoughts. Whether it be just writing a story behind the word or being as creative as you wish using photos, poems, art, or graphics – whichever creative way you choose. You have 6 days to write and link up your blog at the bottom of the page so that others can link up with you. [ . . . . . ] Be sure to visit your “link up” neighbor and spread the joy of connection! A new Prompt word is posted every Tuesday Morning at 10am, the link up closes at 11pm the night before. Make sure to visit the Tuesday at Ten Facebook page to view the winner and for daily news! We also […]

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